Little Miss Ritchie

Ultrasounds...More than a Boy/Girl Thing

2012-02-09T18:23:00.000-06:00

Just a little over a year ago Matt and I saw our little Charlotte for the very first time at my 20 week ultrasound. What were my expectations from that appointment?

1. Get a good view of Baby Ritchie #1
2. Catch a glimpse at what was going on between Baby Ritchie #1's legs.
3. Have them tell me that everything looked "perfect" and send me on my way.

Yup. That was pretty much it. I mean, what else was there to be concerned about? I was healthy and my pregnancy had been pretty "by the book" up to that point.

When her little figure popped up on the ultrasound screen I was covered in goosebumps and had a smile plastered to my face. I remember looking at Matt like "are you seeing this!?"

She was beautiful...even in grainy black and white.

Being my first baby, I didn't know how long an ultrasound was supposed to take. It never dawned on me that something could possibly be "wrong." I didn't come prepared with any questions to ask. I just assumed that everything was as it should be.

Then they told us that there was something wrong.

Something with her heart.

Our world was forever changed.

Next week Matt and I will walk back into that same ultrasound room and have the opportunity to "meet" Baby Ritchie #2. We're excited. We're nervous. We're (or at least I am) slightly terrified. We know more this time around. What are my expectations now?

1. To find out if our baby and its little heart are healthy.

2. To see if there are any concerns about growth or development.

Yup. That is pretty much it.

Funny how priorities change.

To continue my CHD Awareness Week posts, I want share a document with you that EVERY expecting mama should read before a 20 week ultrasound. Share it with your pregnant friends. Have them print it out and take it with them. IT'S ALL ABOUT EDUCATING YOURSELF!

Click HERE for a list of questions to ask during a 20 week ultrasound.

On a separate note - I decided to make a quick trip to Charlotte's cardiologist's office this morning with some treats for CHD Awareness week. Vanilla Oreo cupcakes with Oreo cream cheese frosting. YUM. And yes, I was up until midnight making those little heart toppers. Sleepy, but worth it!

As hard as it is to walk through those doors without Charlotte, I'm always happy to see everyone who has been such a HUGE part of our life for 2 years. As much as I hate that we had to meet under the circumstances that we did...I consider us blessed to have each and every one of them as a part of our family.

Do You Pinterest?

2012-02-08T22:23:00.001-06:00

Pinterest (Actual definition): A virtual pin board that lets you organize and share all of the beautiful things that you find on the web.

Pinterest (My definition): Internet crack.

I will freely admit that I have a bit of an obsession with this site. When I first came acrossed it I submitted probably 30 requests for an invite before I finally got frustrated, joined the Pinterest Facebook page and pestered people until they would share the love. Now, almost a year later the Pinterest rage has totally caught on and I am still just as crazy about it. I used the site to help me plan Charlotte's "Cute as a Button" birthday party, have taught myself how to sew a few things, made lots of yummy treats, and now am putting together ideas for Baby Ritchie #2's nursery. What other websites have that much utility!?

Just when I thought that Pinterest couldn't get any better, along came an amazing idea of a fellow heart/angel mama. She, along with a few other heart mom's from across the county are helping families like ours promote awareness for what else...

CONGENITAL HEART DEFECTS!

If you are already a Pinterest member, go check out the "Faces of CHD - Congenital Heart Awareness Week" board! It is FILLED with inspirational stories of kiddos and adults who have been affected by congenital heart disease. If you aren't a member, send me a message with your email and I'll try to help out with invitations (as much as I can anyway!) The board is filled with smiling kiddos proudly showing off their battle wounds, children that you would never guess had such sick little hearts inside their chests, and also quite a few angels who had their hearts made whole early. At last update there were almost 200 stories pinned! YES 200! I've been sucked into this board and have literally spent hours reading others stories...such amazing kids, adults and families. I also have a personal "Faces of CHD" board that links up to lots of our personal heart friends as well as other angel families that I hope to learn more about.

I was all over this idea from the start and got Charlotte's story submitted right away. If you click on the link below you will have to scroll down toward the bottom to find her. Just look for girl with a goofy grin and her favorite red Nebraska hoodie (like father like daughter!).

Check out Pinterest HERE or click HERE to go straight to the CHD Awareness board! And feel free to re-pin our stories to help raise awareness! I had never heard of CHDs before our 20 week ultrasound with Charlotte and when we learned of her broken heart we felt so scared and alone. Each and every one of these pins shows that we were anything but alone...

****OOPS! Almost forgot...If you have a heart story and would like to be included in the Faces of CHD Pinterest board, click HERE for the how-to!***

Once a Heart Mom...

2012-02-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

After Charlotte earned her wings, I struggled (and still struggle) with lots of things...

Questioning my faith.

Jealousy.

Learning how to live again without my little girl.

Trying to laugh or smile without an accompanying feeling of guilt.

Learning how to...well...function!

But there is also a struggle that I've never really talked about here before (and one that has my eyes filled with tears just thinking about)...

I continually struggle to figure out how I fit in.

I'm a mother with no visible child. A heart mom without a warrior to fight along side.

A mommy to an angel.

For almost a year and a half I was 110% immersed in the heart world. I dedicated myself to researching and learning all that I could about CHDs. I reached out to other families who had been down the road before me, as well as to others who were just starting their journey. There have been countless hours spent in hospital waiting rooms, the pediatric intensive care unit and doctor's offices. I have seen my daughter sedated, paralyzed and intubated on more than one occasion. I have literally seen her beating heart through her open chest. A heart mom's normal is different than most...

Then all of a sudden I woke up one day and my little girl was gone. Her crib sat empty and I was left wondering....

"Now what?"

How could I possibly relate to other moms?

Would heart families be scared off because our story has the ending that they live in fear of

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.?

Would all of the incredible people we met along the way--heart families, doctors, nurses--simply move on like we never existed?

Would the heart world just keep on spinning, leaving us behind?

I think that these thoughts will always be in my mind to some extent, but I'm slowly learning how I fit. I'm discovering who I am and finding new ways to stay a part of the community that has been so very important to me. My heart family is still intact and surrounds me with LOVE and SUPPORT like only they could. I'm doing things to honor Charlotte, keeping her memory alive and trying to give back to those who gave so much to us.

A part of my responsibility as a heart mom is to make sure that all of YOU are informed--keeping you up to date on issues like CHD screening in newborns and spreading general awareness for America's #1 birth defect. You knew I would get to my point eventually, right?!

February 7-14 is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week and I thought that I would take the opportunity to share some CHD facts, as well as some amazing stories with you!

Get educated - have a voice - spread awareness!

(CHD facts provided from The Children's Heart Foundation)

Incidence, Morbidity & Mortality

•Congenital heart defects are America’s and every country’s #1 birth defect. Nearly one of every 100 babies is born with a CHD.
•Congenital heart defects are the #1 cause of birth defect related deaths.
•Congenital heart defects are the leading cause of all infant deaths in the United States.
•Each year approximately 40,000 babies are born in the United States with a congenital heart defect. Thousands of them will not reach their first birthday and thousands more die before they reach adulthood.

Lifelong Disease

•Almost half all children and adults with complex congenital heart disease have neurological and developmental disabilities.
•There are an estimated 2,000,000 CHD survivors in the United States.
•For the first time, more than 50% of the CHD survivors are adults.
•10% of all CHD cases evaluated in an Adult CHD clinic are first diagnosed in adulthood.

Economic Factors

•91,000 life years are lost each year in this country due to congenital heart defects.
•The cost for inpatient surgery to repair congenital heart defects exceeds $2.2 billion a year.

General CHD FACTS

•More than 50% of all children born with congenital heart defect will require at least one invasive surgery in their lifetime.
•There are more than 40 different types of congenital heart defects. Little is known about the cause of most of them. There is no known prevention or cure for any of them.
•In the United States, twice as many children die from congenital heart defects each year than from all forms of childhood cancer combined, yet funding for pediatric cancer research is five times higher than funding for CHD.

Research Allocations & Impact

•Congenital heart defects are common and deadly, yet CHD research is grossly under-funded relative to the prevalence of the disease.
•Only one penny of every dollar donated to the American Heart Association goes towards congenital heart defect research.
•Of every dollar the government spends on medical funding only a fraction of a penny is directed toward congenital heart defect research.
•The NHLBI has stated that Congenital Heart Defects are a serious and underappreciated global health problem.
•In the last decade death rates for congenital heart defects have declined by almost 30% due to advances made through research.

Wear Red!

2012-02-03T22:36:00.001-06:00

National Wear Red Day was definitely a success! Thanks to all of you who wore red in honor of our little girlie, as well as all of the heart warriors who are still fighting and those who earned their wings too soon. We had lots of "RED" photos sent to us throughout the day, and each one brought a smile to our faces (with a few tears here and there as well.) And for each picture that we received, I know that there were dozens more wearing red to help raise awareness! Matt and I are incredibly honored that so many people continue to support us, pray for us and help us celebrate Charlotte each and every day.

From the bottom of our hearts...Thank You.

Baby Bumpin' {16 weeks}

2012-01-31T18:00:00.000-06:00

Three posts in less than one week!? Holy cow....what has gotten into me? I suppose that's what happens when you "conceal" your pregnancy for 17 weeks. I'm left with lots of catching up to do. I know that many of you were expecting the "next" post to reveal the gender of our little bubs, but you will just have to sit in suspense a little bit longer!

When I was pregnant with Charlotte we snapped the first "official" belly picture when I hit the 16 week point. Well...I have since surpassed the 16 week mark with Baby #2, but thought I would share the picture that we took that day!

16 weeks with little Miss Charlotte - I remember thinking "wow, I am finally starting to LOOK pregnant." HA! It just looks like I ate a big dinner!

16 weeks with Baby Ritchie #2 - Yup, there is definitely a baby in there, but I'm proud to say that at 16 weeks I am still rockin' my skinny jeans (we'll see how long that lasts!). I feel like I'm a little "rounder" this time Yes? No?

There are a few (obvious) differences between the two pictures above that I should point out:

-Location, location, location! Matt and I have been in our rental house for 5 months now. I figured that the owners of our old place wouldn't like me showing up to take monthly pictures in front of that door, so we were forced to pick a new spot. What a better place than at the end of a hallway with a picture of my 1st little miracle right over my shoulder. There ended up being a glare on the glass in this shot, but I know that she's there...and that's all that really matters.

-I've switched directions! After looking through all of my "Baby Bump" pictures from Charlotte, I realized that I my LEFT side is my BETTER side. I'm crediting it to more hair covering my giant Bogler forehead.

-I have a head this time around! Not sure why we opted for JUST the belly in the first 16 weeks. Weird. Maybe I looked like I had just rolled out of bed and didn't think it would make for an attractive picture. Who knows!

-I'm wearing glasses (FYI, I wasn't wearing glasses in the headless picture). I won't go there. This is supposed to be a happy post and glasses definitely do not equal happy for this girl. GGGRRRRRRRR.

So there you have it - Me and our little 16 week avocado-sized baby.

Baby Bumpin' Round 2 {The 1st Trimester}

2012-01-29T19:13:00.000-06:00

Because I'm all about "documenting" memories, I’ve been keeping a list of things that I wanted to remember about my pregnancy with Baby Ritchie #2. Now that the cat is officially out of the bag, I can finally share the big highlights that were top secret during the good old first trimester.

10/23: The positive pregnancy test. Matt was in the living room watching Monday Night Football as I sat in the bathroom with a case of shy bladder! Don’t get me wrong…I really had to go…but my nerves were setting in and I knew that within a few minutes we would have a Yes/No answer to whether Charlotte would be a big sister. When I saw the word “pregnant” appear on the pregnancy test, my heart stopped momentarily. All of a sudden I was hit with a wave of crazy emotions. I was ecstatic and terrified all at the same time. In a daze I walked out to Matt on the couch and held the test up for him to see (not a big exciting reveal, I admit!). Then, I crumbled across his lap as tears started to run down my face. We are so blessed.

Week 6: BLAH. I was never sick with Charlotte and I felt like I was getting my butt kicked. I had lots of nausea, but luckily no vomiting. A week or so later…TADA! All better!

11/24 (Thanksgiving): Matt and I originally wanted to wait to tell our families about baby #2 until we heard a little heartbeat, but after some discussion decided to share the news at Thanksgiving. After all, we figured that we could use some EXTRA BIG prayers early on. Here’s how it all went down.

We had lunch that day at my aunt and uncle's house (Matt’s mom included). I had been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of a fun way to tell them and ended up sneaking this beauty into the Kohl’s Black Friday shopping ad! Perfect!

It took a little while for everyone to catch on (especially stubborn Grandma Debbie who didn't want to look at ads and Grammy Vicki who...well...had a bit of a delayed reaction.)

That night we had dinner at Matt’s dad’s house. This time I left the cleverness up to Matt. I wasn’t 100% sure what he was going to come up with. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw out Australian Shepherd Stella walking around with a bright green Post-It note stuck to her collar. She just walked around like it was no big deal…and it took quite a while for someone to actually LOOK at the note to see what was going on. On the note were the words “Proud New Puppy Sister.” Haha! Welcome to our weird family little one!

Needless to say, everyone was excited. It was a good day. We are so blessed.

12/2: One week later I had by first OB appointment. Yes, I was a bit of a wreck. I have a new doctor this time around and really like her. She asked me about Charlotte…she let me cry…she was reassuring and wonderful. Then I got to see the teeny tiniest little black and white flicker on the ultrasound monitor…a strong, beating heart. More tears. It’s so different this time around. I’m not naïve to the things I was early in my pregnancy with Charlotte. I know that that little heart was in its final stages of development and I know that it could be holding a secret that’s still too early to detect. But at the same time I am filled with hope and faith that it will be a healthy heart, in a healthy baby.

12/8: I was expecting that my belly might make an appearance a little sooner this time around—first off because its baby #2 and that just seems to be what happens, and secondly because I’m in nowhere NEAR the shape I was in before I got pregnant with Charlotte (can you say stress eater?). Well, at 10 weeks pregnant I officially found a button imprint on my belly at the end of the day. Lovely. Gotta love that “I’m pregnant but just look chubby phase!” Or not.

12/25: Merry Christmas, Little One and welcome to the last week of our first trimester! Crazy that I've been writing this all "behind the scenes" and that by the time others lay their eyes on it, I will be rockin' the 2nd trimester and probably back into big girl maternity pants!

12/28: This time around I opted (with some encouragement from my OB) to complete a first trimester screening. Basically, they draw blood and do an ultrasound...and from that are able to determine the probablility of little Baby Ritchie having Downs or other chromosomal defects. There is also some correlation to a risk of heart defects...hence the recommendation that I have it. I was somewhat hesitant...these tests have a high false positive rate, and even if there was a defect of some sort, it wouldn't matter. Our baby is our baby...and is perfect to us no matter what. I worried that results would cause more anxiety and worry than anything else. BUT on the other hand...an ultrasound means a sneak peak at the little love that I otherwise wouldn't get until 20 weeks! SIGN ME UP! The test results ended up being great with a risk for Downs, Trisomy 13 and 18 significantly less than average for my age. WOOHOO! Baby's heart was still pretty tiny looking, but I'm pretty sure I could count 4 little chambers pumping away in there. AND, because Matt and I are a little on the impatient side (we exchanged Christmas gifts on 12/10 just for the heck of it!)...I asked the much anticipated question "How soon can you tell if its a boy or a girl??" Well, well, well...we THINK we know what it is!

......Curious?

Secret, Secret...I've Got a Secret.

2012-01-24T23:06:00.000-06:00

Over the past two years this blog has evolved into a very public "journal" for me. While not always easy, I have put myself out there for public viewing and scrutiny in an effort to capture as many memories as I can. Through my posts you have witnessed the ups and downs of our journey as heart parents, and stood by our sides as we have transitioned into a very different type of role...parents to a perfect angel.

This blog (and all of you who read it) has become a HUGE part of my life...

but by no means is it my whole life.

There are obviously parts of our lives that I choose to keep private...I don't write about every bad day, every tear I shed, every angry conversation I have with God. And the same holds true for the positives in our lives. We smile, we laugh, we continue to live each day trying our best to take steps forward. Each day marks progress in its own unique way. I don't share each and every detail, but rather try to document the "big picture" things along the way - not only hoping that it will help ME heal, but also hoping that maybe, just maybe, another grieving parent will come across our story and realize that they are not alone.

There are lots of exciting things going on in our lives right now, and I feel like I'm keeping more "secrets" than I normally do. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a great secret keeper when it comes to OTHER PEOPLE'S secrets, but when it comes to my own?? Well, I just get antsy! I know that there will be a "right" time to share all of these things with you all--but for now I just need to be patient.

Soooo with that long lead in, I will let you know that I got an official "sign" today letting me know that the time has come to share Secret #1....

This morning I pulled a shirt out of my closet and quickly threw it on in an attempt to get out the door for work on time. Halfway through fastening all of the buttons, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately broke out in hysterical laughter.

I hadn't worn this particular shirt in quite some time.

Yes, that is skin that you see peeking out between the buttons.

No, I didn't accidentally shrink my shirt in the laundry.
Yes, I found something a little less "ill-fitting" to wear to work.

Yes, it is officially time to share secret #1.

Little Miss is going to be a BIG SIS!

Matt and I are THRILLED to announce that Baby Ritchie #2 is due to arrive July 2nd, 2012!

Yes, I am 17 weeks pregnant! With Charlotte I could hardly make it to the 13 week point without spilling the beans, but this time things have just felt different. We told our families and close friends, but aside from that I have kept fairly quiet. I can't even begin to tell you how blessed and excited we feel, but at the same time there is something so terribly bittersweet about it. I have so much hope for our future and am beyond grateful for this chance at a new beginning yet at the same time my heart continues to ache for my baby who was called to be with Jesus.

Please keep our growing family in your prayers. I hate that all of our excitement has to be tainted with even the slightest bit of fear of the unknown, but the reality of our past makes us that much less naive this time around. We have put our trust in God and can't help but believe that He will bless us with a healthy little baby with a strong, healthy heart! I can't wait to meet you little one!!

AHHH! WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!

Just One of Those Days

2012-01-22T11:19:00.000-06:00

Missing my baby girl today. Looking at pictures. Watching some videos. I'm not sure if it helps or just makes it hurt more.

Every day is hard...some are just harder than others.

I love you Charley Bear.

I love you.

Gloomy Day Photo Shoot

2012-01-14T15:36:00.000-06:00

Matt and I have spent a lot of time looking at this picture lately...

...and we both agree that Charlotte looks pretty stinkin' beautiful it in. We have it set as the background on our computer and I catch myself just sitting and staring at it. Staring and missing.

It was a gloomy day outside that day, but the lighting was absolutely perfect for some pictures. One of us would go outside of the sliding doors off of our dining room and dance in the drizzling rain so that we could direct her attention toward the light. The other would stay inside with the camera in hopes of catching some good grins. Little Miss was pretty entertained by the whole deal!

Here are some more pictures from that day...

Baby girl...Sometimes I sit down at the computer to write you these "Happy Birthday" wishes and find myself at a complete loss for words. Maybe its not a "loss" but rather that there are so many things that I want to say to you, that I don't even know where to start. Today you would have been 20 months old. 20 months, can you believe it?! That's proving to be a tough number for me...creeping oh so closely to what would have been your 2 year birthday. Talk about a lump in my throat.

We love you so much Miss Charlotte, and nothing in this world could ever change that. You may not be here for us to snuggle and cuddle, but there is not one second of one day that you aren't at the forefront of my mind. I daydream about what you would be like at 20 months old and am positive that you would be such a silly and vibrant little girl...with a big heart and I'm guessing an ornery streak as well!

Happy birthday baby girl...sending hugs, kisses, love and smiles your direction all day long (as always!)

P.S. It's NamNam's birthday today! If you take a break from all of your celebrations in Heaven, maybe you could blow her a few kisses. I'm sure that she would LOVE that!

One Word {Discover}

2012-01-12T16:08:00.000-06:00

I write about a lot of different things on this blog...mostly stories of our heart journey with Charlotte, the extreme love and joy that she brought to our lives and our continuing battle with grief and broken hearts. Todays post will be a little different...it's a post about ME.

I've never been good with New Year's resolutions. I have the very best of intentions, but always seem to lose steam along the way. This year, however, a concept from another blog that I follow caught my eye and I'm actually pretty excited about this brilliant twist on a traditional "resolution." Nothing fancy...just one simple word to help guide me through 2012. Click HERE to see the post that inspired me.

For the past 2 weeks I have been wracking my brain trying to come up with the perfect word for ME...it needed to be a word that would represent something realistic and attainable...something to serve as motivation for me to face each day with my chin up. When it finally came to me, I knew that it was right...

Discover: verb
1. To obtain sight or knowledge for the first time
2. To become aware of
3. To find unexpectedly or in the course of a search

For two years I have been consumed by all things Charlotte and I wouldn't have had it ANY other way. Becoming a parent changes you, but becoming a parent to a child with a life-threatening heart defect takes that change to a whole new level. Losing a child? Even more change. My life has been in a continual state of evolution and even I am a little caught off guard when I stop and think of all of the hats I have worn--Wife, mama-to-be, mommy, heart mom, "nurse", advocate, grieving angel mom....

I know that I am not the person I was 2 years ago.
I am that person and so much more.
I have loved more than I knew possible and hurt all the same.

I often find myself a little unsure of WHO I am these days.

I have a new perspective on life.
I am passionate about different things.
I have refocused my priorities.

In 2012 I want to discover. I want to take the time to re-focus my attention and really become aware of the person that I have become. I want to discover ways to take all of the pieces of the "new" me and integrate them into my life so that I don't lose the things I loved about the "old" me. I need to discover things that can make me feel happy again and to continue to search out ways to stay connected with the heart community and to honor our little girl. It all sounds simple enough, but I know that this discovery process won't always be easy. I will be pushed to challenge myself and to face parts of the new Kristen that I don't necessarily like...and I expect to hit my share of stumbling blocks.

Our unique life experiences make us into who we are...but sometimes life passes so quickly around us that its easy to lose touch. Its only when things slow back down that we really realize how lost we feel.

2012 will not be easy, but I'm going to do my best to embrace what it has to offer. Here's to 2012...and here is to discovering ME.

Hello 2012

2012-01-01T10:03:00.000-06:00

Wanted to post quick to wish you all a Happy New Year. I'm pleased to say that I made it to 12:09 last night (which is more than I can say for my lovely hubby--but I guess he did have to be up at 5 this morning). We had a perfectly lazy day yesterday, staying in our PJs until we went to dinner, then putting them right back on again when we got home. We snuggled ourselves up on the couch, each took a little nap, watched some movies and the Creighton basketball game. Sounds exciting, right? I wouldn't have had it any other way!

So, here we are....still standing at the start of another year. I thought that 2010 was going to be one of the craziest of our lives with the addition of our first baby, learning of her sick little heart, multiple surgeries and a new job to top it all off, but it really paled in comparison to the insanity of 2011. A part of me is inclined to say GOOD RIDDANCE 2011...after all, it has been the hardest of my 29 years. But, there were good things about the year too, and those are the things that I have to try to hold on to. We had a full 5 months in 2011 with our Charlotte and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I ended my New Years post last year by saying "I have high hopes and ultimate faith that 2011 holds big things for the Ritchie family." Little did I know at the time that those "Big things" would include saying good-bye and learning to navigate day-to-day life without our daughter. Despite my hesitations, I'm going to end things the same way this time around--knowing that God has a plan for us that that there ARE good things in store for us.

I have HIGH HOPES and ULTIMATE FAITH that 2012 holds BIG things for the Ritchie family...

I welcome them whole-heartedly.

Gotta Love "Re-Gifting"

2011-12-27T17:44:00.002-06:00

Christmas shopping can get expensive….

Kristen’s family Matt’s Family

Debbie Vicki

Jill Steve

Jay Hal

Jack Mary

Owen Kristen

Angie Zac

Doug Abe

Lindsey

Brad

Jacob

Ben

Aubrey

Realizing that as we added more husbands and kiddos into the group that this was starting to get a little financially ridiculous, my family decided to go the old name-drawing route between siblings/husbands. That shortened the list above to…

Kristen’s family                             Matt’s Family
Debbie                                          Vicki
Jack                                              Steve
Owen                                            Hal
Jacob                                            Mary
Ben Kristen
Aubrey Zac
Drawing name Abe

It’s still lots of names, but the change probably saves us each over $100 each year.

There was one problem with this plan though….sisters like giving each other gifts. It’s not that I don’t LOVE buying for my brother-in-laws, but it’s just not the same as giving gifts to 3 of my very best friends.

Thus was born the “Sister Gift”—a $10 maximum gift exchange between Jill, Angie, Lindsey and myself. The $10 limit definitely forces you to get a little creative, and I’m always amazed with what people come up with.

My gift has come fairly predictable…since year one I have made ornaments for each of them (+ mom). There have been little framed family photos, glittery Yankee emblems, sparkling snowflakes, snow ladies made in their likenesses…all sorts of goodies!

After making 4 ornaments the inaugural year of the “Sister Gift,” I quickly realized that I had one giant mistake. I DIDN’T MAKE ONE FOR MYSELF! That would have been ok if they were boring ho-hum ornaments, but in my opinion, they have all been pretty awesome (Yes, I just tooted my own horn a little). Solution? In 100 years or so when my mama goes to hang out for all eternity with my Dad, big sister and Charlotte…I get HER ornaments. Too bad I’ll have to wait 100 more years!

Yes, I’m proud of the ornaments I’ve produced over the years (with some help along the way from my hubs). But the one that I was MOST proud of wouldn’t have been possible without the adorably chubby little fingers of little Miss Charlotte.

The foundation of each of those snow men was built out of the length of her perfect fingers….her perfect, perfect, perfect little fingers. They turned out even better than I could have imagined.…but there were only 4 of them.

One for each sister. One for Grandma Debbie.

I was sad. Sad that we didn’t have those little finger snowmen on our tree. Sad that it has been almost 7 months since I have kissed those fingers. Sad that I had a reason to be so sad.

Christmas day we got together for lunch at my mom’s house and then sat down to open gifts. The last packages opened were our traditional “Sister Gifts.”

My ornament streak continued --This year (surprise, surprise) they each got a little “RedButt” to perch on their trees branches.

Angie got us all scarves.

Lindsey got us initial key chains.

Jill got crafty with the help of her new Pinterest addiction.

As we were finishing up opening Jill’s gift, I realized that I was the only one that had an extra box in mine. Confused, I opened it to find a card with the following...

"We LOVED having this ornament hanging front and center on our Christmas tree this year, but we think that it will be right at home on the beautiful tree that you and Matt and creating."

Along with the card, carefully wrapped in tissue paper was the ornament that I had given them exactly one year before. It was truly the best re-gifted gift that we could have gotten. Thank you Jilly...thank you so, so much for sharing your gift with us so that we can have one more reminder of our Charlotte.

Christmas this year was hard - just as I suspected it would be. I did my best to smile and to enjoy our time with family, but it generally caught up with me when things settled down for the night. Christmas eve was especially rough - I just kept imagining what morning would bring if Charlotte was with us. We talked to lots that night, me and my girl. And as much as I miss her, I know that Christmas in Heaven is probably pretty unbeatable!

I hope that you all had happy and blessed holidays. Much love to you all!

Giving Back - Project RedButt 2011

2011-12-26T18:56:00.001-06:00

I'm happy to say that Project RedButt 2011 was a success! We met at the hospital on Saturday morning to dress our little monkey friends up a little and left them behind for Santa to deliver to the kiddos in the PICU and other areas of the hospital. I couldn't help but smile when I saw all of those crazy monkeys lined up by the Christmas tree in the lobby.

Today some family directed my attention to this story from the Omaha World Herald. These are the children and families that were on our monkey list--children fighting for their lives and parents fighting right along with them. I hope that for just one minute our buddy RedButt brought a smile to their faces like he did so often to ours.

A Project RedButt Update

2011-12-21T16:50:00.000-06:00

I've been a bad blogger.

I've been a bad Christmas shopper.

I've been a bad holiday baker.

I've been bad at keeping our house clean.

I've been bad at a lot of things.

Let's blame it on these silly monkeys!

I'm totally loving Project RedButt, but I will be completely honest and say that it takes A LOT longer to make them than I originally anticipated...especially considering that I have a flashy new sewing machine helping me out!

The monkeys are coming together slowly but surely. I'm guessing that between myself and all of my monkey volunteers we should have about 25 of them. Not too shabby for only 3 weeks notice! I do know that next time I will make a monkey here and there throughout the year so that its not such a rush in December! Hopefully there are lots more years of monkey giving in our future! Thank you to everyone who volunteered to help with this years donation and to those of you who are planning to make some monkeys once the holiday craziness is over with. I couldn't have done it without you!

Our adorable little monkey friends will be delivered to the hospital on Christmas Eve and distributed to patients in the PICU with some other Santa gifts. If anyone out there knows of any other heart kiddos that are stuck in Omaha Children's over the holiday but NOT in the PICU, please give me a heads up as I would like to get one for them as well! Hopefully RedButt will bring as many smiles to those kiddos and their families as they did to ours!

Wishing you all a very merry Christmas.

Our little family - Christmas 2010

Charlotte was SO excited when she met her new buddy RedButt!

Then she got hungry!

Our Happy Little Tree - 2011

2011-12-14T18:04:00.000-06:00

Why I love our Christmas tree...

1. Ornaments from daycare.

I just have to laugh every time I see this ornament on the tree. Doesn't Charlotte look like a total grump with that hat on!

2. The perfect letter "C"

3. "Baby's first" ornaments

4. Pictures of my girl. Hard not to love an ornament like this.

5. Blessings from friends. This is the newest ornament to make the tree (just this afternoon as a matter of fact!) Thank you so much Abbie and Brent...it is absolutely perfect. Every time I look at it I'll not only remember our perfect little angel, but her best angel buddy, Kale. Just imagine how amazing their Christmas in Heaven will be!

6. Unexpected surprises. When we pulled out our boxes of ornaments a few weeks back, I found an ornament that I had completely forgotten about....one that had me in tears within seconds. I can't even come up with appropriate words to explain how my heart felt in that instant or how glad I am that we made this ornament. All that I could do was hold it to my chest as tears rolled down my cheeks.

So while I initially didn't think that I wanted to have a tree this year, I wouldn't have it any other way. Our tree holds so many memories and there is a story behind every single ornament--a paper mache angel from when Matt was little, a red mitten that I got from my kindergarten teachers, a ceramic bone for Maybe, a ball for Stella, and most importantly our Charlotte ornaments. Our tree tells our story. And while it's a story that hasn't always gone as expected, I wouldn't trade a single memory.

Happy 19 month birthday, little lady. I love you to pieces and miss you like crazy.

No Charlie Brown Tree Here

2011-12-06T11:11:00.001-06:00

I got one of my all-time favorite text messages yesterday afternoon from my sister-in-law Kristen. My heart was still smiling from the thought of my freshly decorated home, courtesy of my “hubby-extraordinaire” when this image popped up on my phone…

Isn’t that the most perfect little tree that you have ever seen? And look at the ornaments—a butterfly, a bear, a heart, a little striped stocking—everything is perfect. And there is even room for us to put our own ornaments when we are back next. Thank you so much Kristen for taking the time to put all of this together. I’m at a loss for words.

Charlotte was so blessed to be surrounded by such intense love while she was here on Earth, and every day I am reminded that that love has not waivered or lessened since she earned her wings.

So many people love you, baby girl.

So many people smile at the mention of your name.

So many people continue to think of you each and every day.

So many people are missing you.

You are forever and ever in our hearts.

A Very Merry Welcome Home

2011-12-04T15:33:00.000-06:00

It's no lie that I'm dreading Christmas. I can already feel my emotions taking control and I have no idea what to anticipate as it comes closer. I shared in an earlier post that I am really struggling to get into the spirit of the holidays--I just can't figure out how to deal with the big gaping hole in my heart.

I haven't felt like shopping.

I haven't felt like decorating.

I just want to be a bum and hope that I come out on the other side without too many emotional bumps and bruises.

This weekend I faced the first on my "I don't wanna" list. SHOPPING. I packed up my bags on Friday after work and headed back to Omaha for a our annual "Goeser-Schmitz-Mother-Daughter-Sister-Aunt-Cousin" shopping day. It's a day full of shopping, but for me it was more about getting to spend an entire day with some of the most important people in my life. We started our day at 9 AM and didn't call it quits until 10 PM...a wonderfully full day of shopping, sharing and laughing. It was just what I needed to help get me in the holiday spirit. Thanks Mom, Jill, Lindsey, Vick, Erin, Alyson and Julie (and Angie in spirit) for a great day!

This morning (Sunday) I again loaded up the car to head back to Sioux Falls. Since Matt stayed behind this weekend, I had a solid three hours of driving solo. While I don't normally mind the quiet time, today my brain was a little over-active. I thought of Charlotte non-stop and shed lots of tears (which is always good when you are driving 75mph on the interstate). The thought of the holidays without her is almost too much for me to handle some days.

As pulled into the drive way of our house, I noticed that Matt had hung a Christmas wreath on our front door. Something so little...but I couldn't stop smiling. Little did I know that that wreath was just the beginning.

When I walked into the house I was greeted by our own personal winter wonderland. The banister was covered with garland and our stockings, our nativity set was proudly on display and to top it all off there was a TREE!!! Not just any tree...a REAL tree. I have never had a real Christmas tree in my entire life!

I couldn't stop crying...Even after an hour I still have tears in my eyes.

I immediately called Matt and could hardly get words to come out of my mouth--I just kept repeating "I love it" and "thank you so much, Matty, I love you."

Here's a little sneak peak...

Nativity perfectly placed under my favorite Charley picture.

Christmas sock monkey and one of my new favorite books "Bear in Long Underwear."

Even RedButt got into the holiday spirit while I was gone!

Check out them boots!

My first ever REAL Christmas tree. We are going to decorate it tonight with few of our favorite ornaments, but I love it just the way it is.

One lonely ornament so far. It's called "Angel of the Heart"...Perfect.

My cries officially turned into sobs when I saw our new tree topper. Meet our Angel, Charley Bear.

We had gotten this perfect little bear from my cousin's wife, Julie. Apparently there is a cartoon that originated in the UK called "Little Charley Bear." Julie heard about the cartoon and tracked down 3 little Charley Bears, one for us and one for each of her children. When I left on Friday, Charley Bear was sitting on the dresser in our room....when I came back, she had been given a holiday make over complete with wings, a halo and very fitting heart.

My husband is amazing. I have no idea what I would do without him. Enough said.

Christmas this year is going to be all about baby steps. No part of it is going to be easy.

I went Christmas shopping even though I didn't think I wanted to.
Matt decorated because he knew that we needed a little holiday cheer.

Together we will make it through this.

Thanksgiving (Yes, A Week Late)

2011-12-01T18:13:00.000-06:00

Soooo....I'm a little late of my Thanksgiving post. Last year I was really good about sharing a weeks worth of "I'm thankful for..." posts, but this year I just didn't have the drive. As a matter of fact, I caught myself been a total downer instead of focusing on the positives. While others were doing daily Facebook posts to share all that they were thankful for, I caught myself driving home from work in the dark making a mental list of all of the things I hate about daylight savings! Talk about Bah-humbug!

Thanksgiving came and went. It was a strange weekend full of up and down moments. We had the same Thanksgiving plans as we did last year, so every once in a while I would have these total deja vu moments...deja vu minus our girl. At the same time, we kept so busy going from family to family that I don't think that I had much time to dwell on how much it hurt not having Charlotte there.

In reality it was a good weekend. We ate good food (too much), spent some much needed time with family, celebrated a Husker football win and had lots of good laughs. While it's all too easy to feel angry, cheated and broken in this season of our lives, it's weekends like this that remind Matt and I that we have so much to be thankful for. Life doesn't always go as planned...we have learned that in the harshest of ways this past year...but we are surrounded by so much love and hope and endless memories from the 382 days that we were blessed with Charlotte's presence.

For that I am thankful.

Two Little Monkeys

2011-11-21T18:56:00.002-06:00

Good friends are sometimes hard to come by, but when you find one, you know that they will always have your back. Last year at Christmas Charlotte made a new friend (courtesy of her Aunt Angie) that saw her through a lot of good times and a few tough stretches as well.

Meet RedButt

(So lovingly and creatively named for her precious little red behind!)

Charlotte loved RedButt from the get-go. I mean, what's not to love about a silly pink monkey with crazy long arms and legs, big silly ears and a big ol' smile on its face? RedButt would dance and sing and always knew how to make our Charlotte smile! They spent lots of hours playing together and every night RedButt would sit on the ledge of Charlotte's crib and watch over her while she dreamed.

And while I knew that our little monkey friend was quite the entertainer, I didn't realize how good of a snuggle buddy she was until Charlotte's surgery in January. She did her best to keep our little lady feeling safe during the for long days/nights spent in a hospital bed.

And she came in surprisingly handy when it came to keeping Charlotte's breathing tube propped out of the way, and at giving her arms a soft (and familiar) place to rest.

Here our monkeys are just minutes after that pesky old tube was removed. RedButt never left her side...not for a minute. Now thats a good friend!

It was never easy to see our little girl after surgery...not then...not now...but oddly enough, every time I look at these pictures I get a smile on my face. At first glance I see my poor little baby hooked up to countless wires and tubes and covered in bandages/tape, but when I look past all of that, I see my perfect little girl and her bestest monkey pal. It was a strange feeling of "normal" during a time that is anything but that.

The holidays are sneaking in and I find myself getting more and more emotional...anxious...sad...about the thought of "celebrating" in Charlotte's absence. I don't feel like decorating. I don't feel like Christmas shopping. I don't feel like doing much of anything. Yet at the same time, I know that I can't just sit here and mope or I will drive myself crazy.

So now what? What can I do to keep my mind occupied?

Make monkeys.

Yup, you heard me. I'm going to make more RedButts!

I've been in contact with the Fox River Mills sock company (the makers of the "official" sock monkey socks) and they hooked me up with a SWEET deal on their monkey socks. Just today I came home to find a box on our doorstep filled with 40 pairs of socks (20 pink/20 brown) and there are even more to come!

I don't have a plan totally in place, but I would like the monkeys to go to heart kiddos like Charlotte...specifically those who are stuck in the hospital over the holidays. Sometimes my brain can only handle one thing at at time. Now that the socks are here I'll work on the rest! If anyone has any brilliant ideas, please pass them my direction.

Now, I'm guessing you're all probably wondering...how on Earth is Kristen going to make THAT MANY sock monkeys? Well....ummm....lets just say that I'll be looking for volunteers to help out! If you are local (either Sioux Falls or Omaha so that I can get you the socks and a pattern easily), can sew and would like to make a monkey or two, just let me know. The more the merrier!

Goodnight Prayers

2011-11-14T20:06:00.000-06:00

From the time she was born, Matt and I made bedtime prayers a constant fixture in Charlotte's nighttime routine. We would pray over her each and every night before leaving the hospital (ugh, I hated leaving without her) and continued to do the same once we were home sweet home.Whether it was in times of fear and uncertainty or while snuggling in the rocking chair at home, the prayer was almost always the same...

God, please watch over little Charlotte tonight while she sleeps. Keep her free from pain and give her the sweetest dreams. Protect her with the help of her guardian angels and wake her tomorrow with the bright shining sun. We pray for all other sick kiddos near and far, especially our heart friends.... May their families feel your loving arms wrapped around them and rely on your strength to get them through their days.
Thank you for my family and for all of the blessings that You have given us today.
Amen.

I still catch myself uttering this prayer as I lie in bed at night, often while lying on a tear soaked pillow. I have no intention on stopping.

I don't want to forget the words that Charlotte heard so many times.

I don't want to forget the quiet moments with our little girl...the moments filled with faith and hope.

Baby girl,

I can hardly believe that it has been 18 months since your Daddy and I first saw your perfect little face. Its been a hard day without you, and I'm sure that you have seen my tears. Eighteen months...what a big girl you would be. Sigh...18 months...I miss you so much.

Sending special birthday snuggles and kisses to my special girl on her special day.
I love you, Bear....I LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU.

Unanswerable Questions

2011-11-09T18:20:00.002-06:00

Every once in a while (okay, a lot of the while) I stop and think…

“What were we doing this time last year?”

I checked the blog archives this morning and saw that 1 year ago today I woke up in the hospital after about 2 hours of sleep. We had brought Charlotte in over night because of some crazy breathing that was later deemed to be croup (though in my heart of hearts I still believe it was a banana allergy…have you ever witnessed croup without a cough?!) It was her first non-surgical stay in the hospital and the first time that we had been to a hospital OTHER than Childrens. Not to mention it was the first time that mommy had to deal with doctors/nurses that didn't know Charlotte's whole heart history in detail. In a state of frustration and sleep deprivation I may have told a doctor "Right now I know WAY more about her heart than you ever will." Eek...sorry Dr. Who-Ever-You-Were. I'm pretty sure that they all thought I was a crazy woman and were HAPPY to send us on our way!

Other times my thoughts drift to the harder questions…

What would we be doing right now if Charlotte were here?

What would she look like?

What milestones would she be reaching? Would she be walking and talking?

What sort of trouble would that little nut be getting into?

Would she be a better eater?

What would she have wanted from Santa for this year?

Would she let me rock with her at night or be a squirmy little wiggle worm, always wanting to escape a play a little while longer?

I could go on and on...

I have lots of friends/co-workers that had babies around the same time that Charlotte was born. I see their pictures and while I smile and celebrate their accomplishments…my heart breaks simultaneously. Those babies are now toddlers and are doing things that we will never get to see our little girl do. They are growing and thriving and walking and talking. They are huggable and squeezable and kissable.

I would be lying if I said that a part of me wasn't jealous.
Of course I'm jealous...they have what was taken away from us.

Instead of wrangling a toddler I'm left here with all of my what ifs.
...wishing that I could just hold her one more time.
...wishing I could have watched her grow just a little bit longer.
...wishing that I could kiss her chubby little cheeks.

I cling to memories and all of the "what were we doing last year" questions.
They help me remember every detail of our time together.

I love you baby girl. This time last year, forever and for always.

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've thought a lot today about what this post would be like....or if I would even post something at all. It's been one of those days filled with mixed emotions that make me feel a little lost.

October 31st. Halloween. Another month since I held our little girl. Talk about a double whammy.

Facebook is full of pictures of little kids posing in costumes, the candy aisle at the grocery store was packed with last minute shoppers, and in an hour or so little princesses and ghosts will start showing up at our door looking for goodies.

Last year I was so excited for Halloween...this year I don't know what I am.

So while I didn't know what words I would use to describe how I feel today, I was convinced that they would be pouty. I knew that I would come here and vent and cry and be an angry, jealous, hurting mommy without a child to dress up to take trick-or-treating.

Then, as I was walking out to my car I got a message from Cora's mom with a link to her blog.

And I smiled.

I was reminded that we are not alone in this.
There are people out there in similar shoes walking similar paths.
There are people who are thinking of us on days like today.
There are people who are praying for us.

Last year Charlotte was a bear. This year she is an angel.

When we were back in Omaha this past weekend Matt and I went to a pumpkin carving party at my sisters. The kids all got to carve their own pumpkins....ok, who am I kidding....the adults all "got" to carve the pumpkins FOR the kiddos. There were ghosts, spiderwebs, Angry Birds and this special little pumpkin...

My sister snapped this awesome picture. I love how the heart glows in the darkness.

And I can't forget about this one! Some of our friends and their 2 boys took Miss Charlotte her own little pumpkin. There is a pretty cool story behind this one. One of the boys actually "won" this pumpkin at school when his name was drawn. Want to know WHO drew his name? His friend Charlotte! How sweet that they decorated it just for her. Thanks Pospisils!

You sure are loved little girlie! Happy Halloween!

A Week Full of Pictures {4}

2011-10-30T16:15:00.000-05:00

This post was supposed to go up on Friday to complete my week of pictures, but apparently time got away from me. Matt and I just got back from a great weekend with family in friends in Omaha and I wanted to get this post up before I forgot!

Charlotte was a always a little peanut. Maybe it was all of the coffee that was stunting her growth? We all needed a little extra caffeine on cath mornings.

Sporty Spice. She looked so stinkin' cute in her Nike sweats, tennis shoes and a ponytail!

There are not many things cuter than a baby fresh out of bed. Here is Charlotte still in her jammies, with crazy hair and eyes that are still a little squinty and trying to wake up. Oh what I wouldn't give for some early morning snuggles.

I LOVE this picture. Charlotte got slippers as a Christmas gift from daycare last year. I put them on her fully expecting that she would pull them off right away to get a better look at Pooh, but she was perfectly content with them on her feet. And doesn't she have the cutest little profile??

This picture is actually from Matt's phone. I didn't know that it even existed until about a month ago. I love how she is resting her chin on her little hand....deep in thought.

And here it is. The last phone picture that I ever took of our baby girl. My eyes fill up with tears every time that I see it. I hate knowing that its the last. There will be no more. It was a gloomy day the Saturday before Charlotte earned her wings and to get out of the house we decided to go for a walk at the mall. While Daddy was checking out at the Gap, Charlotte and I played by a mirror. I had her giggling pretty good, but she kept looking over toward Matt to see if he was watching!

Sigh. I miss her so much.

A Week Full of Pictures {3}

2011-10-27T12:32:00.000-05:00

As promised...MORE PICTURES!

Our incredibly smart little girl decked out in her Yankee gear.

I love how her hat is tilted to the side...it makes her look extra "thug"!

Holy Cow! LOOK AT THOSE EYES!

Charlotte was so happy when it finally got warm enough to spend time outdoors. I believe that both the hat AND the glasses were ripped off about 0.5 seconds after I snapped this picture!

Ok. This picture makes me crack up every time I see it. The way that Charlotte is leaning to the side in combination with the look on her face makes it look like she spent the day at the bar rather than at daycare! So stinkin' funny!

Sigh. My little ladybug. Charlotte never got to strut her stuff at the swimming pool and I'm so glad that we got this picture when we did. Now if only she'd been wearing the matching hat!

Just your average, everyday monkey hug.

Charlotte loved her paci, but she could not keep it in her mouth at night for the life of her. Translation, every 10 minutes we would end up going into her nursery to "plug her in." Finally I got tired of it and just took the thing away. Much to my surprise, she did very well. THEN, we went back to Children's for surgery in January and low and behold, I caved and gave her the paci to help keep her settled in the scary situation. When it was time to come home though, the paci was left behind. Much to my surprise, a few months later I came into the living room and found the little stinker with a PACI! It must have been buried at the bottom of her bin of toys. Sneaky, sneaky little lady....

Long waits at the doctor's office? Name badges on retractable holders are the perfect solution!

There is just something about this picture that always melts my heart. The cute zipper shirt? The crazy striped leggings? The innocent little look on Charlotte's face?

All of the above!

A Week Full of Pictures {2}

2011-10-26T11:20:00.001-05:00

Here we go for round 2 of cell phone pictures. It just dawned on me that when its time for me to get a new phone I'm going to have to make sure that all of my pictures get transferred over...the thought of not being able to flip through these whenever I want makes me extremely sad.

This is another one of my all-time favorites. Charlotte's Grammy actually printed us a copy and it hangs on the side of our refrigerator. Even on the hardest days its tough not to smile when I see this goofy little lady. This is what we call "Post-ponytail, pre-bath hair."

Speaking of hair....! Poor little Charlotte had a miserable cold so we decided that we would go sit in a steamy bathroom. It was at this very moment that I realized that she was CURSED with my crazy, humdity-intollerant hair. Look at those crazy curls!!!

Ha! These just keep getting better and better. Here is Chuck just chillin' in the kitchen while we cleaned up after dinner. She's totally rockin' that hat!

Charlotte had a heart cath last December in preparation for her surgery in January. We thought it was only appropriate for her to tell the world just how tough she was. She was definitely the toughest chick I've ever known!

Early surgery = even earlier morning. This is Daddy and a hungry, tired Charlotte getting in some last minute snuggles before surgery. For those heart families out there...you know how hard/scary/agonizing these mornings are.

Mommy and Charlotte before surgery. Ugh, my heart hurts just thinking about it.

I cannot begin to tell you how hard it is to see your child immediately after open heart surgery...and I hope that you never have to know for yourself. This is the closest that we could get to "holding".

Snuggling with "Red Butt". No breathing tube, no oxygen. Just a cute girl with her monkey.

The first smile after a sleepless week in the hospital is always the best!

A Week Full of Pictures {1}

2011-10-25T18:29:00.000-05:00

The past week or so I’ve found myself watching Charlotte videos and looking through old pictures more often. They make me smile. They make me cry. But most of all they help me remember. I was going through pictures on my cell phone the other day over lunch and thought that it would be fun to share some of these memories with all of you. After all, cell phone pictures are those out of the blue, “crap I don’t have my camera” moments that often capture the best little moments. I’m struggling to find words lately (perhaps because life has been pretty uneventful)…so a week full of pictures might be a good mental break.

The medication that they had to give Charlotte to keep the duct in her heart open until surgery also has the side effect of making her "forget" to breathe. I got a phone call in my hospital room one night telling me that they were going to intubate her due to some episodes of apnea...this is how i found her the next morning. Cute little girl, cute little bow, pesky little tube.

Once we were moved to the recovery floor I got lots of snuggles in with my little lady! This was the longest she had ever kept her eyes open. I was taking a picture to send to Daddy in Sioux Falls and wouldn't you know, she decided to send some kisses his way!

Home sweet home! Her socks in this picture crack me up. She had such short little legs that even newborn socks looked like knee-high boots!

You may remember THIS post from Miss Crabby Pant's 2 month birthday. I feel bad now calling her crabby because this was just shortly before we learned that she had a milk-soy protein intolerance. Her little tummy had to be just miserable. Anyway, Charlotte was either crying or puking for about 98% of the day and then finally collapsed on my lap all sprawled out like she was totally exhausted. Speaking of exhausted...check out my face in this picture!

This one was taken about 10 minutes later. All the stress of that day is forgotten when I look at this picture. It might be one of my all-time favorites. Tear...

I love my Mummy. I don't think this one needs any other words.

Stay tuned....
More cell phone pictures to come tomorrow!

GOOOOO PACKERS!

2011-10-23T14:39:00.003-05:00

At only 4 months old Charlotte had already decided that football was pretty cool. She loved to spend her Sundays cheering on the Packers with her Daddy. Since the Packers play the Vikings this weekend I thought it would be the perfect time to share a little video with you all.

Disclaimer: I sound like a crazy woman in this video. Please make sure that your volume isn't turned all the way up...I mean it!

Football Sundays just aren't the same without that little grin...

Hearts of Hope

2011-10-18T18:36:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend the Midwest Heart Connection’s 8^th Annual Hearts of Hope Gala in Omaha. It was an awesome night and the perfect way to celebrate our little heart kiddos, angels, families and the hospital staff who cares for them all (and not to mention raise a little money for a good cause while we're at it!). This was my first time attending Hearts of Hope and I was a little nervous about how my emotions would manifest that night. Lucky for me I was surrounded my 19 incredible family members and some really great friends that I have come to know as a result of our journey. Yes, there were tears here and there throughout the night, but I can confidently say that good conversation and laughter were much more common!

Wouldn't you know...I took an extra large purse with me to the event so that I could have my good camera with me. Once I got there and went to snap my frist picture of the night I realized that my camera battery was 1000% dead. Its a good thing that I had someone for back-up!

Lindsey and Angie

Jay and Jill

Lindsey and Brad

Steve and Erin

Vick and Jim

Brooke and Dane

Me and the in-laws, Hal and Mary

Deanna, Vicki (mother in-law) and Steve

Goeser girls--YAY!

Goeser girls plus Mama Debbie

Me and Natalie (nurse/friend)

Erin and Angie

Can you tell they are all related? Aunt Vicki, Erin, Angie, Debbie

Alyson modeling a silent auction purse (and getting a weird look from the woman in the background)

380 bottles of Colby Red wine donated for the night.
Click HERE to learn more about it!

I may or may not have snuck into this picture at the last minute.

This beauty (along with an equally awesome framed print that I don't have a picture of) came home with me at the end of the night thanks to my sisters/brother-in-law. We hung this one in our dining room and it definitely made our rental a happier place to be!

Thanks to my family for coming and being a part of this event this weekend. I had so much fun and can't wait until we can do it all again next year! LOVE YOU ALL!

God at His Finest

2011-10-14T10:57:00.000-05:00

I have started to write this post so many times—but as soon as I even begin to think of the appropriate words, my eyes become flooded with tears and I have to walk away. It’s a hard one to write as it takes me directly back to the day that I saw my baby’s face, touched her perfect skin, ran my fingers through her crazy hair…for the last time. Despite the pain it brings to go back to that day, the story that I want to share today is one that I have to document—I cannot risk forgetting even the smallest details (though I don’t think that I could if I tried.) Something happened that day that I don’t know if I will have words to adequately describe… (I apologize in advance for the length on this one!)

From the time that we found out about Charlotte’s heart I have used this blog to tell her story. Accounts of her trials, bravery and achievements reached people far and wide…but truth be told, this blog has always been more for Matt, Charlotte and myself than anyone else. It provided a way to document and reflect back on our crazy adventure, allowed me to vent/cry without having to do it face to face, it gave me a chance to brag about how A.W.E.S.O.M.E. my little girl was. I always intended for this to be something that I could share with Charlotte when she was older so that she could truly understand what a miracle she was. I have shared her story since before she was born and even though I knew it would be difficult, I knew that I wanted to continue to share her with all of you...to heal my own heart. I used my words to document it all, and because of that, I knew that they had to be a part of the day we said “goodbye.”

The decision to speak at Charlotte’s memorial service was an easy one. I knew that I wanted to do it, but at the same time I feared…well…everything about the actual act. Could I do this? Would I fall apart? Would anyone be able to comprehend my words through the inevitable sniffles and sobs? Heck, would my legs even support me if I tried to stand? Anticipating the worst, I wrote down what I hoped to say and graciously accepted when my sister volunteered to step in if needed. Then I prayed. I stood in the shower that morning with tears running down my face as I prayed for God to give me strength. I distinctly remember uttering the words, “God, I want to do this. I need to do this. But I know that it’s not possible without You. I need you to show me that I can. Please God, I need you to show me that I will be OK.”

God spoke to me in the most incredible way that morning…

Meet my brother-in-law Abe—Or as Charlotte knew him, Uncle Abe.

Abe is your average 12 year old boy. He goes to school (though not always willingly!), has lots of friends, likes junk food, loves to go swimming. He's always on the move and likes to do his own thing.

When Abe was 2 years old he was diagnosed with Autism. I had never been around an autistic child before Abe and to be honest, when I first met him, I wasn't quite sure how to act (this sounds TOTALLY silly now that I think back on it...he's just a kid after all!) I quickly got over my uncertainty and came to realize that the "autism" label does not define who Abe is...much like Charlotte's heart didn't define who she was. There is so much more to Abe than his diagnosis. He's a lovable goof with a great belly laugh, a determined spirit and a little ornery streak in him from time to time. I'm sitting here smiling just thinking about it!

Charlotte (or ChaCha as Abe calls her) was enamored with Abe and when he was around, her eyes were LOCKED on him.

I LOVE this picture!

Look at her checking him out.

Ok, so maybe in this one she's more interested in the Pop-Tart, but she knew Abe was the one to go for if she was looking for yummy treats!

I'm pretty sure that this was the first time that they met!

The morning of Charlotte’s service (after my shower break-down) I found Abe sitting in his room…totally silent with a look on his face that told me something was "off". He looked at me and in that moment that I knew that he knew. I hadn’t been giving Abe the credit that he deserved, but right then and there I could tell that he was well aware of the grieving that was going on all around him…and he was grieving too. I went and sat next to him face-to-face on his bed and I talked about Charlotte. As I talked, Abe sat quietly and looked me straight in the eyes (for those of you who don’t know, eye contact is a big deal in kiddos with Autism). As if his insane attentiveness wasn't enough, somewhere in the midst of our conversation he picked up the charm on my necklace--a silver mended heart given to me by my friend Jill. He held it in his hand and rubbed his thumb over it again and again before bringing the little silver heart to my lips for me to kiss. Tears slowly started to pour down my cheeks and much to my amazement...sigh...Abe reached up and wiped them away with the back of his hand.

I had to remind myself to breathe.

I looked over at my mother-in-law standing in the door way--She was just staring with tears in her eyes, obviously in just as much awe over the events taking place in front of her as I was.

I looked into Abe’s piercing blue eyes and I knew that this was the sign that I had begged for not an hour earlier. I truly believe that God was showing Himself to me through Abe that morning. He was telling me that despite my fears and uncertainty--

It was going to be okay.
I was going to be okay.
We were going to be okay.

I think of that moment with Abe often and am still as amazed by it today as I was 4 months ago. Its definitely one of those times where I find myself smiling through the tears. I am forever grateful.

Happy 17 months Baby girl! Mommy and Daddy miss you like craziness and wish that we could give you some giant birthday hugs today. Instead we'll be sending extra kisses to heaven. I love you with all my heart little lady...all my heart.

Conquering Fears

2011-10-13T14:34:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those days where you are SO extremely excited for something but are equally terrified, nauseous and anxious about it all at the same time? I’m talking like a hard-core physical reaction from nerves here…not just some giddy nervous excitement. It’s a crazy feeling but one that I have experienced quite a bit lately. Need an example? Remember when we took books to Children’s Hospital? I was so excited…SO, SO excited to be able to give back to the place that gave so much to our family and to see some familiar faces, but while driving there I had to fight my urge to do a U-turn in the middle of the interstate and drive back home. My hands were sweaty, I was breathing heavy, I may have even cried a little bit…maybe. The thought of walking into that building without my little girl conjured up a whole variety of emotions in me.

That day was hard, but I had one a few weeks back that may have surpassed it.

On Friday, September 23rd I made my first official trip to the Avera Children’s Specialty Clinic without little Charlotte. I hadn’t seen Dr. Sami (cardiologist) or his nurse Holly since the horrible day that we lost our little girl. I take that back…one day I saw Dr. Sami from a distance as he walked through the building where I work, and immediately my heart started pounding and I saw little spots in my vision. HA! If the sight of him from 50 feet away sent me into a panic, I could only imagine what sitting down with him face-to-face was going to be like! Bottom line, I was nervous as hell. But on the other hand I wanted this day so badly. The people in that clinic took care of me before they ever took care of Charlotte and in a crazy way, I missed them.

So why all of a sudden did I get up the courage to go back into a building that I knew was going to be so incredibly difficult???

A “Books for Charley” donation! Pretty good reason, right!?

That morning I loaded up a cart of books in my office (I work right next door) and rolled my way over to the clinic. Once again, my heart rate started to pick up (good thing I was going to a cardiology clinic!), my stomach started to churn and I fought the urge to turn and run. Ok…so maybe, just MAYBE there were some more tears. I walked through the front door and with a lump in my throat announced that I was there to drop off some books. I did it. I was IN the building!

From there it’s pretty much a blur. I spent an hour in the clinic that day, mostly talking to Dr. Sami and Holly. We talked about everything…life, Charlotte, the future. We talked about the amazing response we got for “Books for Charley” and about how some of Dr. Sami’s other patients actually contributed as well. We hugged, we cried, we laughed. It was a good day. A good, scary, exhausting day.

But now for the exciting news! We were able to donate an additional 195 books to the clinic! That brings the 2011 “Books for Charley” grand total to ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY FOUR BOOKS! Yes, 1234 books! And that’s not including about 300 books that were a little more “worn” and will be going to a local women’s and children’s shelter. You guys are SOOOOOOOOOO awesome and I can’t even begin to thank you enough!

I stopped by the clinic again this morning to drop off some more books. This time around I did it with my chin up. I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t anxious, there were no tears. And when I got to the clinic, what did I see??

A little library in the waiting room! How awesome is that?! (Sorry for the blurry cell phone pics)

What’s even more awesome? Check out the bottom shelf!

CHARLEY!

The clinic manager had the staff pick out a special little shelf that they could put our little girl's name on. My heart totally melted when I saw this. It couldn't be more perfect. If any of you from the clinic read this...THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH! I love that our little girl will continue to be a part of the clinic and hope that our little Charley library can bring smiles to the faces of lots and lots of kiddos!

As for "Books for Charley"...You haven't seen the last of us! My plan as of now is to use this event as a way to continue celebrating the life of the Amazing Charlotte Delene Ritchie. Look for the event to return in full force next May. I've got all sorts of ideas bouncing around my head for round two! If you have books that you wanted to donate before then, just let me know and we'll work something out. I will never ever turn away donations!

What a lucky girl Charlotte was to have such amazing love surrounding her!

Tiny Pumpkins

2011-10-09T23:42:00.037-05:00

Despite the unseasonably warm temperatures that we've been enjoying in South Dakota, I can see the tell-tale signs of Fall all around me. The trees are covered with vivid red and orange leaves, Halloween candy and costumes have taken over the stores, there is football on TV every Saturday and Sunday. Usually I love Fall, but this year the change of seasons finds me feeling empty and apathetic...

Last year we were enjoying Fall with Charlotte-- picking out her Halloween costume, cheering on the Huskers and Packers, taking trips to the local apple orchard so we could make homemade applesauce. This year I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to feel. It's just not right.

Last October I read this blog post written by a fellow heart/angel mom, Kristine Brite-McCormick that depicted her similar struggle with this time of year. The post, appropriately titled "Smashing Pumpkins," described the dreams that she had of trips to the pumpkin patch with her daughter Cora...dreams that never had the chance to come to fruition as Cora was taken from her much to soon as a result of an undiagnosed heart defect. As I read Kristine's words my eyes welled up with tears. A year ago couldn't even begin to imagine what she was feeling, but my heart ached for her none-the-less.

I read Kristine's post right away in the morning, and needless to say I wasn't very productive the rest of the day. I just couldn't stop thinking about Cora and her mom. My wheels were turning and as soon as my work day was over was on a mission. I picked up Charlotte from daycare and immediately set out to find the closest place that sold pumpkins. Cora needed a pumpkin...

I'm not sure what I thought I was going to accomplish with this pumpkin. I knew that I wasn't going to fix anything for Kristine or take the sadness away from her, but something deep inside me wanted her little Cora to have a special pumpkin all her own. I sent the picture below to Kristine hoping to at least elicit a smile...hoping that she would feel the love that we were sending her direction.

This weekend I found myself thinking of Kristine and Cora a lot. I re-read Kristine's post from last year and was again overcome with emotion. Last year I could only sympathize...this year, unfortunately, I can relate. Precious Cora never got her own pumpkin, and the only one Charlotte had was the one we made for Cora.

Two perfect little girls, one perfect little pumpkin...

To read more about Cora please visit Cora's Story. Her life was cut short by an undiagnosed congenital heart defect, but through her mom's advocacy, Cora is saving lives! THANK YOU, Kristine for all that you do, and for showing me everyday that though our lives will never be the same, we WILL survive this!

A Yankee Through and Through

2011-10-07T07:39:00.000-05:00

This is kind of how I feel today.

Maybe next year Yankee fans.

Mr. Owen

2011-10-03T23:00:00.000-05:00

Meet my nephew Owen.

Owen is a typical 4 year old boy.

He has a super-duper sweet side...

but also has one of the best “stink-faces” that I’ve ever seen.

He is ALL boy.

Owen sporting a black eye right before family pictures.

Yup, ALL boy.

His favorite singer? Lady Gaga.

His favorite aunt? Aunt Kristen.

(Hehe! Sorry other aunts! I just tell it like I hear it...)

How did I gain the title "Favorite Aunt?" I would like to say that it's because of how insanely cool or hilariously funny I am. And while both of those things are true, I know deep down that there is one thing that pushed me to the top of the list.

I'm Charlotte's mom!

It's true, I became a heck of a lot cooler in this little boys eyes when Miss Charlotte came into the picture. Owen LOVED (and still loves!) “Baby Charlotte.”

Yes, I realize that all of my nephews and my niece loved little Charlotte, but something about “rough-and-tumble” Owen loving on our little girl could always make me smile. He was smitten with her from day one and was always looking out for her.

Owen and Charlotte 7/2010

He had waited 3 whole months to hold Baby Charlotte and you can see the excitement in his face.

I will always remember when he shared his helicopter with her at Christmas. He set it on her lap, looked at me with a very serious face and said, “Aunt Kristen, this toy is for big kids, not babies… (pause)...but Baby Charlotte can play with it anyway.”

Not only did he share toys with Charlotte, he also shared his "meek" (a.k.a. blanket). Charlotte and Owen had matching blankets…his red and hers green. If Charlotte would start to cry you could always count on Owen to show up with the green blanket (or his red one if the other was no where to be found.) He would calmly tuck it right up by her face--Owen knows from years of experience that a special blanket can make everything better.

Owen may be the little brother in his house, but he definitely stepped into the big brother "protector" role when it came to our little girl. He was well aware of the things that would make her cry and tried to make sure that didn't happen. At the Congenital Heart Disease Awareness Banquet last year he stuck by her side because he knew that she got scared when there were lots of new people around. I love this picture of him hovering beside her like her own personal bodyguard!

One of my favorite things was the look on Owen’s face when he would see Charlotte. Tear. He would get this bashful little grin on his face, but you could tell that on the inside he was SO excited. To this day there is still a sparkle in his eyes when I mention her name...she totally won his heart.

Two weekends ago I was back in Omaha and stopped by my sister’s house. As I was leaving Owen followed me outside where we ended up playing a little basketball (Translation: Owen shot the ball and I prevented it from rolling down the driveway). In between shots something in the grass caught his eye.

Owen: Aunt Kristen, it’s a butterfly!

Me: Where?

Owen: Right there in the grass! It’s a monarch.

Me: (smiling) You’re right smarty pants, it IS a monarch.

Owen: It’s tiny. I think it’s a baby!

Me: (catching my breath, smiling, fighting back tears)

I think you’re right O-Boe. It’s a little baby butterfly…

I don't want to be the overly sentimental grieving mother who takes every gust of wind, ladybug, butterfly, etc. and turns it into a symbolic message from my angel daughter...but I have NEVER seen a monarch as teeny tiny as the one we saw that day. How fitting that it little Owen that spotted it fluttering around in the yard as we were playing.

I pray that he keeps finding little baby butterflies dancing around him.

I pray that he forever carries the memory of little Charlotte with him.

I hope and pray that he knows that every time I see him, I think of her and smile.

I love you O-Boe...and Baby Charlotte does too!

Section "C" Under the Tree...

2011-09-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Matt got a phone call at work letting him know that Charlotte's headstone had been placed earlier in the day. Again, one of those out of the blue events that can change the course of your whole day. One phone call is all that it takes.

When I visited the cemetary this past weekend there was only a patch of fresh grass marking the place where we laid our little girl to rest. No stone, no temporary marker...just a patch of grass and a bouquet of flowers that I brought along with me.

This weekend when we go back it will all be different. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

A headstone is an in-your-face reminder of our reality. Our baby girl died...

A headstone is permanent. She's not coming back...

A headstone hurts more than I had prepared for.

A Change of Seasons

2011-09-27T10:42:00.000-05:00

Last week felt like it was about three weeks long.

Monday was one of those days where I just wanted to hole up in my office and not have to talk to or make eye contact with anyone. The day started out okay, but about half way through the morning I hit a wall and could totally feel myself shutting down. I’m pretty sure that I cried for about 4 hours…

What was it about that day?

I know I don’t need an explanation—I have a pretty justifiable reason to have bad days, but I am always curious how a totally normal and routine day can all of a sudden turn into a boo-hoo, I want to go home kind of day.

It seems to be happening to me a lot lately…and the only explanation that I have is the change of seasons.

Cool, gloomy days = Fall
Fall = Halloween and Thanksgiving
Fall = One season closer to Winter
Winter = Christmas and New Years

Four big “celebration” days…two of which fall on the 31st of the month…nothing like a little salt in the wound.

So yeah, I’ve been a grump lately. I think that my brain is trying to ease me into the craptastic (Yes, I just said craptastic) few months that are looming ahead of me.

I miss our little girl every minute of every day—some days it’s a dull ache in my heart, others it stings like its brand new.

Last week was a stinger…

It's Official!

2011-09-22T18:07:00.001-05:00

Today is an AMAZING day for newborn babies around the country.

Thanks to the incredible advocacy and hard work of some equally incredible people, every newborn baby will now have the chance to be screened for critical congenital heart defects (CCHD).

Congenital heart defects occur in approximately 1 in every 100 live births making them the most common defect in newborns. Twenty five percent of these defects are considered critical to the point where intervention is required. While some children are identified prenatally (like our Charlotte), others can go days, weeks, even months without diagnosis. Unfortunately there are also many other families that first hear the words “congenital heart defect” through a coroner’s report.

It crazy knowing that we do a heal pokes to screen for rare metabolic disorders and hearing tests before discharge from the hospital, but there is no screening for a disease that causes up to 3% of all infant deaths within the first year of life.

Until today that is!

I am THRILLED to tell you all today that the Secretary's Advisory Committee on Heritable Disorders in Newborns and Children (SACHDNC) has voted to recommend that all newborns be screened for CCHD. This recommendation acknowledges the use of pulse oximetry as a screening tool to help detect heart problems in newborns. Early detection means less infants sent home undiagnosed. Early detection means LIVES SAVED.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with pulse oximetry, that glowing red light is from a probe that can be wrapped around the hand or foot to detect the amount of oxygen in a person's blood. In infants with CCHD, this level is often low (Charlotte's averaged 75-85% after surgery where a normal number is closer to 97-100%.) The test is SIMPLE, PAINLESS, and VERY INEXPENSIVE.

So, you might be asking what this means for all of you. I need you to do me a HUGE favor. If you are pregnant or know someone who is, PLEASE let them know about this recommendation and encourage them to request a pulse ox test on their newborn before leaving the hospital with them. Some states will work on implementing this practice on a department of health level, but others will still require further legislation. States are NOT required to implement screening at this time, despite the SACHDNC recommendation. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help spread the word.

I remember how I felt the day that we learned about Charlotte's heart. It was a terrible, terrible day, but looking back on it I can see that it was a blessing. In the words of heart-advocate extraordinaire (and heart mom), Annamarie Saarinen, "The only thing worse than having a newborn diagnosed with heart disease is having a newborn go undiagnosed with heart disease."

Congratulations to everyone who worked so hard to get this to where it is today!

We Love the Zoo. How About You?

2011-09-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

A few months back Matt and I got a very exciting piece of mail delivered to our house. I opened the mailbox to see a medium sized envelope resting inside with our names carefully handwritten on the front. I'm a total sucker for mail and could hardly wait to get inside and see what it was. Once inside, I tore the envelope open and as I slid the enclosed papers out, a HUGE smile immediately came over my face.

What was it you ask?

Finalized adoption papers for the 2nd cutest bear you ever did see!

(our Charley Bear, of course, being the front-runner in the cute race)

After Charlotte earned her wings some of my family had the AWESOME idea to make a donation to the bear family at the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha. How great of an idea is that!? A little family of brown Sun bears to help us remember our Charley Bear. I love it! The envelope that they sent us had an official certificate along with a picture of one of the members of the bear family. The picture is packed away because of the move or I would share it with you all! I'm smiling just thinking about it. Thank you Schmitz's, Albers and Demmans! Everyone should totally stop by and visit the bears next time you are at the zoo...better yet, snap a picture of your little ones in front of the bears and send it my direction! One of my high school classmates actually did this, and I thought it was such a great reminder of how many people Charlotte's story has touched.

And while you are at the zoo there is ANOTHER Charlotte memorial that you can stop by to see! When we first found out about Charlotte's heart Matt and I both felt very scared and very alone. I immediately started looking online for people who might have the slightest clue of what we were going through. Lucky for me, I found an incredible woman named Jill (tears). She was a total stranger, but we had so much in common...first and foremost the was the fact that her daughter was living with a very similar heart defect.

Whether she knows it or not, from the minute Jill answered my first email I knew that she was going to be one of my most important resources and friends through this whole journey. It was such a blessing to find someone that could honestly say "I GET IT." She quickly became someone that I could go to with questions, if I needed encouragement, to vent, or even just to share the the smallest of victories. In the 20 months that we have known each other, we have only been face-to-face a handful of times, but we always keep in touch. Some of my favorite text messages are pictures and updates on how her little heart warrior is doing!

So anyway, I got a little off topic there, but I wanted to give you a little background on my relationship with the family responsible for this...

There is a butterfly exhibit at the Omaha zoo and apparently you can make a donation and have a butterfly made! My cousin sent me this picture of Miss Charlotte's butterfly --I love the way that the sun is shining on its wing. For those of you who are in the area and want to check it out, I'm told that it is located in the garden below the main butterfly exhibit. This might give you a better idea of what to look for...

Butterflies have become a big deal to me. I see them everywhere I go. Everywhere. They make my heart smile even on the worst days and remind me that little Charlotte is always hovering near. Thank you Jill, Brent and Talia...this was absolutely perfect.

I know that Charlotte would have loved to go to the zoo to see all of the animals. We may not have gotten the opportunity to take her there, but that doesn't mean that it can't be a place full of memories!

All of Me

2011-09-16T06:00:00.004-05:00

On the morning of May 31st, I sat down at this very computer and updated my Facebook profile with the following...

"Matt Hammitt, the lead singer of the Christian band Sanctus Real has a son that was born with HLHS. They recently launched a new nonprofit, the Whole Hearts Foundation to help children and families affected by congenital heart defects. Check it out....great song and a portion of the proceeds go to this organization!"

The song "All of Me" was the first track released from Matt's new album Every Falling Tear. It came out that morning and immediately tugged at the heart strings of heart parents around the country. To quote Matt, "Our natural reaction is to build walls between ourselves and the things that can cause us more pain. But what if the thing that can cause you the most pain in your life is another person? And what if that person is your own child? You have to ask yourself...Am I willing to fully give my heart to someone knowing that I might lose a piece of it?"

Matt and I both knew that despite our greatest fears we would love Charlotte with every thing that we had...and thats exactly what we did. Yes, we were scared, but amidst the fear we discovered a depth of love that we never knew existed.

I posted that Facebook update on May 31st, about 20 minutes before we took Charlotte to the hospital for her lung scan. Little did I know that my fears would become reality in just a few short hours and that our lives would be forever changed.

As hard as it is, when I hear this song I have to comfort myself knowing that we gave ourselves 100% and loved without boundaries.

"All of Me"

Matt Hammit, Every Falling Tear

Afraid to love, something that could break,

Could I move on, if you were torn away?

I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart, and pray it makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

Trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

It's where I'll start

The album Every Falling Tear was released in its entirety earlier this week with a portion of the proceeds going to the Whole Hearts Foundation. Lucky me...I got it as a gift yesterday!! I think that you should all go check it out!

Yummy in the Tummy

2011-09-14T06:00:00.003-05:00

Charlotte LOVED to eat...

What!?!?!?!

That may have been one of the funniest things that has ever come out of my mouth!

In reality eating most often resembled this...

(OK, so maybe not that bad)

But this is pretty spot on.

Bottle + YouTube = MIRACLE!

(I'm totally ashamed that I have admitted this AND have a picture to prove it!)

I thought that for the 14th of this month I would take the opportunity to tell you a little bit about what Charlotte liked to eat (and share some cute-as-pie pictures in the process).

Charlotte loved to smell cupcakes even before she knew they could be eaten.

Here she is dreaming of sweet cupcakes--Her Aunt Jessy and I bought them to celebrate the day that Charlotte hit TEN POUNDS!

She liked to eat Grandma Debbie's chocolate chip cookies...

and would give me crabby-pants looks when I took them away from her.

Speaking of cookies, Charlotte REALLY liked the Oreo that her Uncle Abe shared with her.

Chocolate cookies and chocolate filling!? HELLO! Whats not to like!

She liked Pez (or at least the Pez dispensers that she got the kids at daycare for Valentine's Day.)

She liked when PopPop would feed her whole slices of pizza.

Don't get me wrong, she liked "good for you" foods too...like strawberries,

and carrots,

and birthday cake!

I cried the day that she ate mac and cheese, peas, carrots and watermelon.

Charlotte liked to eat books,

and barrettes,

and the string from our blinds.

She loved the taste of bows at Christmas time

and wrapping paper, too!

She loved to eat crayons

and sometimes snuck a taste of a {clean} wipe or two.

Her main source of protein was duck

but sometimes she would switch it up a little and try pork....

Get it? Piggies? Pork?

Charlotte was known to go into food comas after a big meal.

Just look at that big belly!

So yes, Charlotte loved to eat...what she wanted....when she wanted!

I'm betting that today she's opting for birthday cake.

Happy 16th month little girl.

Mommy and Daddy love you all the way up to Heaven and back.

This Was Our Normal {1}

2011-09-12T19:35:00.000-05:00

I thought from time to time I would provide a little insight into some of the things that came along with being a heart parent/heart kiddo. It probably won’t be anything to riveting or overly deep, just a little something to give you a peek into our lives (and another way for me to document/remember all of the details of our crazy ride). I know that lots of people thought that Charlotte’s surgeries had “fixed” her heart. She was doing really, really well (hence the incredible shock of May 31st), but we knew that even with surgeries, her heart would never function at the level of yours and mine. No matter how well she was doing, or how "normal" things seemed, there were bits and pieces of our daily routine that served as constant reminders of the craziness that was going on inside that little ticker of hers.

This Was Our Normal {1}

From the time she was two weeks old, our little Charlotte was on her way to becoming a human pin cushion. You see, Charlotte had a teeny tiny little shunt placed in her heart when she was only 1 week old. That teeny tiny little shunt was the ONLY way that her heart could get blood to her lungs…the only way that she had to get oxygen to the rest of her body.

To put it in the simplest of terms…

Any blockage in that teeny tiny little shunt (a clot) = No oxygen = Bad news

In order to prevent said disaster from occurring, Charlotte was started on blood thinners shortly after her first surgery. The medication was initially given to her through her IV, but was then switched to a subcutaneous shot (like insulin) that we could give to her at home. Yes, you heard me…we gave it at home. Ugh, I remember the very first time that I had to poke my little lady with that nasty needle…I’m pretty sure that I cried more than she did! You always hear stories about how AWFUL it is for a mommy to have to take her little baby to the pediatrician for vaccinations. Ha! Not only did I have to deal with the agony of my little girl’s tears, but I also had to swallow the fact that I was the one behind the big bad needle. Give me vaccinations ANY DAY!

The first shot was awful. I positioned myself looking away from her face (I didn’t want to see her tears or have her associate me with the impending poke) and as I tried to steady my shaking hand I just kept telling myself….”Kristen, you don’t have a choice. She gets the shot, or she might not live. You don’t have a choice.” It didn’t make it easier, but it totally took away the option of chickening out!

We would do these shots two times a day…every day…for 12 months. Left leg in the morning, Right at night.

Charlotte was smart. Early on she would start to whimper as soon as we opened the alcohol swab that we used to clean her little leg. She knew that smell and what it meant. As months passed, however, the tears seemed to lessen. Let me tell you, Charlotte was TOUGH. Most times she would hardly flinch when she got her little poke. We could even sneak into her nursery, wiggle her little leg out of her jammies and give her the shot while she was sleeping! That’s a heart baby for you—TOUGH AS NAILS.

They are hard to see in these pictures, but see those little bruises on her thighs? Those are from the shots. They actually look really good in these pictures.

Alcohol wipes, syringes and sharps containers were our a part of our normal. We hated them, but we accepted them because we had to.

Anything for our Charlotte...anything.

Just Checking...

2011-09-09T17:24:00.000-05:00

So...I learned today that the "subscribe" function on this blog hasn't been sending out emails to alert people of new posts. When we moved last week our email address changed, and I'm wondering if that little change threw things off some how. Anyway, I've been fiddling around a little bit (I fully admit that I have no clue what I'm doing...hence calling it "fiddling.") I hope that its straightened out now and that emails start going out. For those of you who only check in when you get an email, you have likely missed out on 2 or 3 posts over the past week.

Thanks Mama for pointing that out to me!

And since I can't have a totally boring "Chuck-less" post, here's a picture of the little lady. Its one of my favorites ever. LOOK AT THOSE EYES AND LASHES!!!

Something for Bear...

2011-09-08T19:01:00.001-05:00

I have a predisposition to being over-emotional (let’s blame it on genetics)…It has never really taken much to make me cry.

Heck, I cried one year watching a team celebrate after winning the College World Series. I hadn’t seen a single tournament game that year and I knew nothing about any of the teams involved, but they looked so incredibly excited as they were celebrating. How could that NOT bring me to tears!? Right?!

I cry happy tears.

I cry sad tears.

I cry gut-wrenching tears that make me feel dehydrated by the time they stop falling.

Lately the latter seem to be the ones I shed the most. Sad. Gut-wrenching. I guess that is what happens when you have a constant BLAH feeling that accompanies you 24 hours a day. Now don’t get me wrong…I don’t mope around every day. I’m at a point where I can smile, laugh, have normal conversations and such, but below the surface the sad is always there. I fully expect that it always will be.

While I seem to be functional these days, there is always the potential that something will come along and push those “sads” to the surface for all to see. I never know when that something will come along or what it will be, which makes it that much harder to be “normal.”

Today’s something was delivered courtesy of one of my favorite websites.

I love the website Etsy.com. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this site, Etsy is a self-described “hand-made marketplace" where you can find almost ANYTHING! For me, it was the perfect place to find all things adorable for my little girlie.

You might remember when my crazy beagle-dog Maybe modeled this headband before Charlotte was born….I got it from Etsy.

Here is my little Chuck at 2 and 1/2 months all girl’d-out in the same headband.

Then there was this AWESOME zipper heart shirt. The woman who makes these has a little girl that was born with a congenital heart defect. The minute I saw them I HAD to get one for little miss. Another Etsy score!

Another example? Here’s a look at the stickers that were DONATED by a wonderful Etsy vendor to help us with “Books for Charley.” As if I needed any more proof that Etsy and the vendors who sell there are awesome!

Today I logged on to Etsy and this cute little coat immediately caught my eye….

Upon closer inspection I saw the following…

Sigh…a pink and brown bear coat…

I guarantee you that despite its too-expensive-for-a-toddler price tag, Charlotte would have owned this coat. My little Bear in a bear coat? Can you picture anything more perfectly adorable?

Case in point…Bear in her original bear coat!

Again…Sigh…

So yes, today that tear-inducing something was a coat. A silly, silly, silly coat. I can’t stop looking at it and picturing my baby girl’s face peeking out from under that oversized hood with the button eyes. I can see the big goofy grin on her face and her own sparkling eyes (which were about as big as the bear's button eyes!) I can see it so clearly and I want so badly to scoop up that little bear and squeeze her with big bear hugs. Tears, tears and more tears, all from a silly little coat...

I love you, Charley Bear.

And speaking of that crazy little Bear, here she is with her Daddy cheering on the Packers in last years Super Bowl! Even her little hat has ears! Never did I think that a Packer's game to open up the NFL season would push me to tears...

Officially a Sioux Falls "West-sider"

2011-09-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

Well it’s official….the papers have been signed, the keys have been exchanged, all of our belongings have been moved across town. We have temporarily left the world of home-ownership and are officially renters again. Weird.

Yesterday was a hard one. I woke up with a sinking feeling and for a majority of the morning I functioned on the verge of tears. Our new landlords seemed so excited to have us in their property, and I think they expected us to be excited as well. They don’t know our story...maybe then they would get that this isn’t our ideal, but rather a step in a “better” direction.

After lots of trips back and forth yesterday we finally got everything moved to the new place. I cannot believe how much STUFF we have accumulated in 4 years. Here’s what it took to move…

-One U-Haul to storage at Matt’s aunt and uncle’s house
-My mom’s full car back to Omaha
-2 U-Haul trips across Sioux Falls
-A full POD sitting in our driveway begging to be unpacked
-Matt’s Escape packed to capacity
-2 full loads in my truck (I hardly had room for the dogs on the last trip!)

As our items were slowly packed, there was one item that remained a constant in our house until the minute I walked out the door for the last time. A picture of Charlotte. It was the literally the very last thing out of the house, and I intend for it to be the first thing that goes up in the new place.

And speaking of that little angel, I did leave something of her's behind at the house. The new buyers won't mind...I'm guessing that they won't even notice. For the past three months I have delighted in seeing Charlotte's perfect little fingerprints on our sliding door to the deck. I had to have been holding her when she made them because they are right at my eye level. Most mommys are on a constant mission to clean up the sticky handprints that are an inevitable part of having kids, but in the days after we came home after Charlotte's funeral, it was things like that which I found myself clinging to. I wash doggy slobber off of that glass constantly, but was never able to bring myself to wipe those prints away.

Charlotte opened our eyes to what is truly important in this life…Family, friends, faith…and while “possessions” doesn’t fall anywhere near the top of that list of important things, it was still tough to leave that house behind. It was a great house and I will miss it. I can only hope that the buyers love it as much as we did and pray that they have endless happy memories there.

Thank you all for praying extra hard for us yesterday. I hope that you all have a WONDERFUL Labor Day weekend. Ours will be filled with lots of unpacking and of course a little Nebraska football!

Bah, Humbug!

2011-08-31T15:05:00.000-05:00

I started my day today with a “doom and gloom” attitude.

I woke up on the living room floor in a house that is 98% empty. The last time I slept on the floor was when we found out about Charlotte’s broken little heart --lying there now I can almost feel the same fear that I felt back then.

I looked out the window and there was such a heavy fog that I could barely see past the end of our porch. GLOOMY.

I walked into work, angry about the very fine mist that was falling from a sky full of gray clouds. Anyone who knows me can vouch to the fact that my hair + any amount of moisture/humidity =

Today is the 31st, and like I have said before, this is always a BLAH day. I’m sad most every day, but the 31st makes my heart ache more than usual. That annoying little box on my calendar marked August 31, 2011, just serves as a painful reminder that it’s been another month since I have snuggled my Bear. Three months down and a lifetime of 31st to go.

So let’s see…

1) Floor sleeping

2) Gloomy fog

3) Roseanne Roseannadanna-esque hair

4) Missing my little lady

What else could we throw into the mix?

Sigh.

Moving.

Tonight will be the last night that Matt, Maybe, Stella and I spend at 908 North Danielle Drive. The closets and cupboards are empty, the furniture is all packed up and ready for a move across town to our new/temporary rental house. I knew it would be hard, but I think that I underestimated my emotional attachment to this place.

Deep breath….It’s just a house. It’s just a house. It’s just a house.

Someday we’ll have a home again.

Tired.

2011-08-26T11:31:00.001-05:00

Over the past 3 or 4 weeks I’ve been amazed at the number of times I’ve had people say to me...

“You look tired today.”

Ha! On one hand it makes me laugh while the other part of me gets a little riled up.

I look tired?

Really?

Maybe it’s because I AM tired.

I’m tired of sleeping like crap.

I’m tired of waking up each morning to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I don’t only FEEL tired, but I LOOK tired as well.

I’m tired of packing up our house, our things, Charlotte’s things.

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of replying “I’m ok” when people ask how I’m doing. I know that they care, but I also know that most aren’t prepared to hear how I really feel.

I’m tired of wondering “why.” Even though I know that only God knows the answer to that question, it still nags at me almost every single day.

I’m tired of going back and forth with the engraver trying to design the perfect headstone for a one year old angel.

I’m tired of this nightmare and even though it’s been almost three months, I still hope that I wake up one morning to find that my baby is sleeping safely in her crib.

I’m tired of being told how strong I am. I don’t want to be strong, but what other choice do I have?

I’m tired because so much of my energy goes into pretending that things are getting “better.”

I’m tired of being tired.

So each and every day, as tired as I may be, I try to take steps forward. They aren’t always big steps and sometimes they even end up being steps backward, but they are steps none-the-less. I know that I can’t just lie down and give up. I know that I have to keep moving. I know that I have no choice other than to put every ounce of my faith in God and His plan for my family.

I may look tired. I may BE tired. But I’m here…and for now, I think that’s enough.

Drumroll Please!

2011-08-22T19:12:00.002-05:00

For weeks I had been driving around Sioux Falls with a little over 100 books neatly boxed in the back of my car. It seemed like A LOT of books, and I couldn’t even fathom what TEN TIMES that many would look like! Lucky for me, I got to see first-hand this past Thursday morning when we made our first official ‘Books for Charley’ drop-off at Omaha Children’s Hospital.

I headed back to Omaha bright and early on Thursday morning. I thought I would have to drag myself out of bed when my alarm sounded at 5 AM, but my excitement for the day’s activities made it easier than I imagined. The three hour drive passed quickly and was filled with conversations with my Bear. I talked to Charlotte a lot and told her about what was going to happen later that morning. I told her it was just the first of MANY things that we are planning to do in her name and that her story was going to make a difference. As if she was responding back to me, just as I was pulling into town a string of “Charlotte songs” came on my iPod…all back-to-back…just a little reminder that she was along for the ride!

Tara, her adorable little girls and I headed to the hospital where we met my mom, my sister Jill, sister Lindsey and her kids and my mother-in-law, Mary. I was a huge mess of emotions as I pulled up to that building. I had been so excited for this very moment but was equally terrified at the same time. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I wondered how I was going to hold it together and walk through those doors. Life is bittersweet. I hated that we were making this donation in MEMORY of my baby girl…but at the same time I felt honored to know that so many people rallied behind us and helped make this tribute an amazing one. And an AMAZING one it was.

Are you ready for this?!?!?

Thursday morning we donated ONE THOUSAND THIRTY NINE books to Children’s Hospital (I think that spelling the number out makes it seem even more impressive!) Can you believe it!? ONE THOUSAND THIRTY NINE BOOKS!!!! The 100 books in the back of my car were totally dwarfed in comparison to the 900 occupying the back of Tara’s van.

Here’s a picture of us unloading the last few boxes…

And another of the boxes loaded onto a double-decker cart…the bottom bin was stacked two high!

I mean, really….HOW INCREDIBLE IS THAT!? I wanted to open up all of the boxes and spread the books all over the floor for everyone to see, but I’m guessing that the people who actually needed to walk in the lobby wouldn’t have appreciated that!

Here is a picture of Tara, the kiddos, my mom and myself with our 'Books for Charley' donation...ignore my squinty eyes...I'm pretty sure that they were a little swollen from tears!

And another of my cousin Tara and I... P.S....Tara is a pretty incredible!!

While at the hospital I also got to see some of my FAVORITE familiar faces. First up was one of Charlotte's heart buddies, Talia and her mom. It was a very special day for Talia as she was celebrating being SURGERY-FREE for a whole year! WOOHOO!! I also got to see my favorite ladies from the cath lab and a few VERY special nurses. They spent A LOT of time with our little girl and always took the very best care of her. Thank you ladies for not only taking care of Charlotte, but also for taking care of ME! You could always make me smile when I thought smiles were impossible to come by and I love you all to pieces.

All in all it was a good day...a hard day, but definitely a good one. The hospital was SO appreciative of the donation and I think that they got a pretty good idea of the amount of love that surrounded Charlotte during her short time here on Earth.

Many of you have sent messages letting us know that you still have books that you would like to donate. Please know that its NEVER too late to get them to us (though I might have you send them to me so that Tara can have her dining room back for awhile!) Sometime in the next few weeks I will be taking another load of books (yes, we still have LOTS more) to Charlotte's cardiologist's office here in Sioux Falls and will continue to make donations as long as books are rolling in.

Thank you all for your support of 'Books for Charley.' Keep an eye out for this event to resurface next Spring as we continue to celebrate Charlotte.

You heard me right...We're doing it again!

Books Books and MORE Books!

2011-08-17T20:45:00.001-05:00

Well, the BIG day is finally here!

Thursday morning at 11 Tara and I (and our special little helpers, Anna and Caylee) will be taking a MASSIVE load of books to Omaha Children's Hospital. We'll be sure to get lots of pictures so that you can see just how many books have been donated up to this point. We have gotten so many that we actually ran out of stickers and are going to have to make a second delivery once we get more.

While this is going to be a very special day and I am so so excited, I'm also somewhat anxious. It will be hard going back to Children's without Charlotte. I'm sure that every sound, smell and familiar face will test my strength and composure. Please pray that God gives me strength and an angel on my shoulder tomorrow morning!

THANK YOU AGAIN TO ALL OF YOU WHO DONATED!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Every Heart Has a Story {2}

2011-08-15T19:49:00.001-05:00

Many of you “long-time” readers may remember last year when I took part in my FAVORITE blog event Every Heart Has a Story, coordinated by my friend and fellow heart mom Stef. Last year I had the opportunity to share Charlotte’s story and in the process become acquainted with other families finding their way through this crazy heart world. Any heart parent will tell you that community is of vital importance to our sanity. We learn so much from each other’s experiences and develop very unique and special friendships along the way. While I have never met most of them, I call my fellow heart moms friends. Together we laugh, cry, celebrate, mourn and help each other in any way possible. Check out the stories of these amazing families by clicking on the link below.

Last August marked the very first Every Heart Has a Story blogging event. At that point our Charlotte was just over 3 months old and thriving. She spent her days smiling, cooing and loving the second chance at life that she had been given. By looking at her, you would never guess the challenges that she had met and overcome in the preceding months. Only the perfect line down her chest, already fading with time, gave insight into the story that her little heart had to tell.

On January 18, 2010 Matt and I anxiously awaited the answer to the ever-so-important question “Is it a boy or a girl??” It didn’t even cross my mind that we would get news that day other than “Congrats…it’s a healthy baby ____!” Oh sweet, naïve little Kristen. As we sat there staring in awe at the grainy black and white image that was our baby, I didn’t pick up on anything concerning. This was my 1st baby, my first ultrasound, and I knew no different. I didn’t know that it was abnormal for an ultrasound to take that long. I didn’t know it was abnormal for the doctor to come in to “take another look.” I didn’t know that our excitement over a baby girl would soon turn into something so heart-breaking, terrifying and life-changing.

The next pieces of the story are a blur. I retained little pieces of information…
“We can’t see a good view of her heart.”
“You have an appointment with pediatric cardiology tomorrow.”
“Termination is an option…You didn’t sign up for this.”
“Pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum…Hypoplastic right ventricle.”
“Surgery required within days after birth followed by more, which still won’t make her heart normal.”
What the heck was going on?! We cried…no…we sobbed. We became hermits in our own home, not wanting to talk to or see anyone. We relied on each other more than we had ever had to before. We made a pact to be strong—strong for our little girl.

Charlotte Delene Ritchie made a surprise arrival into this world on May, 14, 2010, three weeks earlier than expected. She was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Yes, her heart was as crazy as predicted, but she was here and ready to fight. Our little Charlotte had a BT-shunt placed and a tedious RV fistula ligation preformed at one week old, followed by decompression of her RV outflow tract 1 week later. She was a TOTAL rockstar and came home for the first time on June 10 after a 4 week stay at Omaha Children’s Hospital.

We enjoyed life at home until Charlotte was eight months old, when we returned for a heart cath, followed by surgery to place an RV to PA conduit and a brand new tricuspid valve. All hopes were that one day Charlotte’s RV would grow, giving her a chance at a whole heart.

Charlotte did very well after her last surgery in January. We had some ups and downs courtesy of RSV and eating struggles, but for the most part she was thriving. Follow-up echoes looked great, and other than some mysterious hemoglobin instabilities and all was good. We celebrated Charlotte’s 1^st birthday with a “Cute as a Button” party and spoiled here like crazy. A first birthday (or any other day for that matter) for a heart warrior is nothing to be taken for granted! She was such a happy 1 year old...always smiling, laughing and melting our hearts with her gigantic eyes.

Here is where things get sticky...the part that I never imagined myself having to write. On Memorial day this year we had an incredible day. Matt and I each had some special Charlotte time and were enjoying a normalcy that we had craved for so long. The next day, Tuesday May 31, we headed to the hospital for an outpatient lung scan to try rule-out some pulmonary causes for Charlotte's elevated hemoglobin. It was a perfectly normal morning, and what was supposed to be an in and out procedure. Never in a million years did we imagine that we would leave the hospital without her that day. Her scan went well and we were heading for the car when I had that gut "something isn't right" feeling. We rushed her back to the nuclear medicine department where the scan took place and anxiously sat by while they did everything they could for our little girl. Our precious Charlotte Delene earned her wings and went to be with Jesus that morning.

There is only one word that can even come close to describing the pain that we have experienced that day...a word that I have read on so many other angel momma's blogs...."RAW." Its a pain you could never describe to someone who hasn't been there. It tears at every fiber of your being and can drop you to your knees. It can make you feel like the air is being sucked out of your lungs, leaving you to crumble. Each and every day I wake up to a world that isn't "right," a world where my arms are empty and my heart is heavy. I miss my little Charley Bear. I want her here with me.

Being a mommy to Charlotte was the best experience I have ever known. She taught me how to love unrestrained and to give of myself whole heartedly. She taught us strength and opened our eyes to the fragile nature of life. NO ONE IS GUARANTEED TOMORROW...crazy heart or not. I hope that by reading our story that people come to see what is truely important in life --to take a step back and really come to appreciate the gifts that you have been given, even if at times life feels chaotic or overwhelming.

It hasn't even been 3 months since Charlotte earner her wings. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, and other times I feel like life is standing still. I find comfort knowing that my little lady is finally whole--he heart has been made strong and she knows happiness beyond anything that you or I could know here on Earth. God trusted us, and only us, to take care of her during her short say, and I couldn't feel more blessed for that time with her. While she may not be with us physically, I believe that God is keeping her close...I can feel her with me and hear her whispering that she is ok, begging me not to cry.

I love you Charley Bear! Mommy is doing her best to keep your memory strong and your story alive in people's hearts. This week we are taking a HUGE load of books to all of your friends at the hospital. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces. This is just the beginning baby girl! Your heart has a story and it is very much alive in my heart.

Weekending

2011-08-14T17:51:00.001-05:00

Wow...what a weekend.

I laughed.
I cried.
I'm pretty sure I laughed until I cried.
Lots of up and down emotions this weekend.

Packing is fully under way at the Ritchie house. As a matter of fact, our first HUGE load of things made its way into storage this weekend. It was good, but it was hard. Its a strange feeling to pack things up without knowing when they will be unpacked again. Charlotte's nursery remains about 95% intact...I just can't bring myself to pack up her things.

In addition to packing and loading the U-Haul, yesterday marked 16 years since my Dad lost his long, hard battle with leukemia. 16 years. Thats a hard number for me to wrap my brain around. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and I miss him like crazy. I saw that the Yankees beat the Rays yesterday 9-2. I'm pretty sure that Charlotte got to go to her first major league baseball game with Dad to watch them win.

So that brings us to today. The house is quiet. Matt went back to NE to help unload our things at his Aunt and Uncle's house. Its just me here...wasting away a beautiful summer afternoon by sitting inside on the couch. Its August 14th...and the 14th always sucks. Its another month without celebrating. Another month without a "birthday" picture. Another month of me wondering what big accomplishments Charlotte would have made in the past 30 days. Oh baby girl...my sweet, silly baby girl.

I have a whole list of memories that I want to share on the 14th of each month. Today I'm going to cop out and pick the easiest one for the sake of my tired brain!

If Charlotte had an iPod...What Songs Would Be on Her Playlist?

1. What I Am (Will.I.Am, Sesame Street)
2. Elmo's Ducks (Elmo, Sesame Street)
3. The Cave (Mumford and Sons)
4. Modern Love (David Bowie)
5. Forever (Chris Brown)
6. The Hotdog Dance (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)
7. Anything by her favorite Omaha "Songstress"
8. Sing (Travis)
9. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Feist, Sesame Street)
10. Outdoors (Jason Mraz, Sesame Street)

She loved music! She would eat better when there was music involved (I fully admit that I resorted to Sesame Street videos on YouTube to get this child to eat) and she LOVED when the music would start for our after dinner dance parties! Here she is jammin' out in the kitchen to a little Modern Love.

To my little Dancing Queen...I love you with all my heart and I miss you more each and every day. I have seen lots of butterflies everywhere I've gone today, so I know that you are near. Happy 15 month birthday! I hope that Jesus got you lots of balloons for your party in Heaven.

A Little More Crazy

2011-08-09T22:40:00.000-05:00

Hello all. I just wanted to write a quick post to update on how things are going here. To say that things have been crazy probably wouldn't do this time in our lives justice. I can't quite explain "time" these days. On one hand I look at the calendar and wonder how it can possibly be August already. On the other hand, I still have that dazed "time-standing-still" feeling a majority of the time. Like I said in a previous post...I always thought it would be nice to have a little extra time in a day, but now that I have it, I have no clue what to do with it.

Summer here has been pretty quiet until recently. During the week we work, Matt has tennis league and we both play sand volleyball. Weekends typically consist of trips to Omaha (and we'll both admit that we are getting tired of 6 hours in the car every weekend.)

This past weekend we went on a very quick trip to Indiana/Chicago to visit our friends/ex-neighbors the Lemons (actually its the Rickelmans but Rickelman quickly morphed into Rick Lemon which was then shortened to The Lemons.) Anyway, they moved back that direction about a year ago and we were so excited to see them and their busy little boy James. We were only there Friday-Sunday, but it was nice to get away from our "routine." Saturday we spent the day in Chicago, enjoyed Matt's first Cubs game (they actually won!), ate some yummy deep dish pizza and went to the top of the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower. It was a good trip, and a nice little break from routine.

So.......awkward silence.......I've been trying to come up with a creative way to break this next piece of news, but my brain is too tired for creativity these days so I'll just come out and say it....

We sold our house.

We listed it back in mid-June and were told that the average time for houses in our price range to sell was 9-10 months. Now here we are, not even 60 days later, packing up our belongings for an oh-so sudden closing date of September 1. Holy cow.

So, where do we go from here?

We were lucky enough to find a nice little rental house on short notice. When I say we were lucky, I mean that I'm pretty sure that God had our back on this deal. Dogs kind of limit your rental options, and we managed to find a place that 1) allowed pets 2) had a fenced in yard 3) was available the exact day that we need it.

I won't lie...its bittersweet. This is Matt and my first home. We watched it being built from the ground up. We worked our butts off to get the outside as perfect as the inside. We got engaged in the living room....the same room which I later told Matt that he was going to be a Daddy. This is the only home that our Charlotte ever knew. This is going to sound silly, but she LOVED this house (probably because she spent so much of her time on house arrest this past winter.) When she was little (little-er I guess) we used to go back to Omaha to visit and she would just be "off"...not her normal, content self. The minute we walked into our house...I kid you not...she would get the worlds biggest smile on her face. She knew she was home.

Packing sucks. I don't want to pack her things away. I like her room as it is. It makes me sick that we're taking it all down and have no reason to put it back up again.

Ok, I have to stop now. I was doing good and now there are tears.

Please pray for us during this crazy, stressful, emotional time.

Crazy Me

2011-08-01T20:34:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I question what I should and shouldn't post here. This post has been brewing in my head since last Thursday as I've wondered what my personal limits will be for putting myself out there. I'm learning things about the new Kristen that I don't necessarily like, and its hard for me to share those things. But when I really stop to think about it I remember that this blog is my therapy. Its a way for me to get out my blahs when I need to...A way for me to decompress. So here goes nothin'.

Thursday July 21 was the infamous panic over a wasp experience.
One week later, Thursday July 28, was a totally different kind of panic.

As most of you know by now, I work in a building attached to the hospital where we lost Charlotte. I park in a separate parking lot, enter each day through a different entrance and for the most part have been able to avoid the hospital with the exception of a few meetings in the pharmacy department. Last week I found the courage within myself to cross the skywalk that connects my building to the hospital. It was an innocent little walk to talk to another pharmacist...a walk that only required me to walk about 50 feet into the building that I dread so much.

I got there.
We talked.
All was going well.
Then it happened.

As I was getting ready to head back to the comfort of my office, I heard a familiar sound over head that triggered a fight-or-flight response within myself that I wasn't prepared for...only I wasn't "fighting"like I'm so accustomed to....I was "flighting." My simple adventure to the hospital was suddenly interrupted by an all too familiar noise overhead...the sound of a code blue.

I felt every bit of air being sucked out of my lungs in a matter of seconds and literally wanted to drop to a ball on the floor, cover my ears with my hands and cry. Every detail from May 31 was suddenly fresh in my mind. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to do absolutely anything except to be there in that moment. I somehow got my body to move and did my best speed walk back across the skywalk and into my comfort zone. Lucky for me I have an incredible co-worker who recognized the look on my face as one of pure terror. He ran after me and walked me back to my office, making sure I was ok.

I wasn't ok.

I locked myself in my office and sobbed....and sobbed....and sobbed.

Then I left. I drove home, changed into my pajamas and laid on the couch the rest of the day. Its amazing how a huge wave of emotion like that can take it out of you...I was exhausted, both physically and mentally.

I went back to work the next day. I parked in the separate lot and entered through the separate door. I prayed for strength and knew that I would be okay.

It will be awhile before I get brave again.

I've never requested this before, but this time around I'm asking that no one leave comments to this post. It was a hard day...I survived...and now I just need to work at putting it behind me. I love you all!

It's Timmy Time!

2011-07-25T17:11:00.000-05:00

I realized that I forgot to share a previously untold Charlotte memory on her 14th month birthday. So here goes!

Timmy, it's Timmy

He's a little lamb with a lot to learn

Timmy, it's Timmy

He's a handful of trouble at every turn

Timmy leaves the farm, goes out to the world

Trying to be cool he's number one

He joins all his friends on a big adventure

And he's always having such a lot of fun

Timmy it's Timmy

He's a little lamb with a lot to learn

Timmy it's Timmy

He's a handful of trouble at every turn (a lot of fun)

Timmy it's Timmy

He's a little lamb with a lot to learn!

So…my guess is that 95% of you have no clue what is going on after my crazy little song above. The other 5% of you probably have small children who watch Disney Junior in the morning while you scramble to get out the door on time! For those of you that fall into the 95%, let me give you a little insight to this little cartoon.

Timmy is a lamb (a sometimes naughty and selfish lamb). He goes to school in a little red barn with lots of other little animals…a kitten, a puppy and a duckling to name a few. They have teachers that are also animals. The typical episode consisted of Timmy learning a lesson. He learned to share, he learned to help others, he learned to be a good little lamb and a good friend.

Here’s the kicker…there are no words in this cartoon. Words no…but there were plenty of “Bahs” “Meows” “Ruffs” and “Quacks.” Haha…it makes me laugh just thinking about it.

Now, this might sound like the most annoying program in the world, but there was one thing that made it tolerable for Matt and me. Every morning while we scrambled to get ourselves out the door this cartoon would come on and every morning we would stop what we were doing to watch her reaction. As soon as Charlotte heard the opening song her eyes would get big and she would look at us…then back to the tv…then at us again. It was as if she was saying…”Mom and Dad!! Do you see this!?” She loved it. LOVED it. She would actually sit and giggle at the silly animals and at all of the noises they were making. So super cute!

On Easter this year, the Easter Bunny brought Charlotte her very own Timmy doll! You squeezed his hand and he would make all of the same noises that the little lamb on the cartoon did. And just like the cartoon, Charlotte loved it…and every morning she would hold him while she watched his shenanigans on TV.

She loved to SHARE Timmy, too. I'm pretty sure it was because she couldn't squeeze hard enough to make sound come out.

She loved that annoying little lamb. And because of that, we loved him too.

What's In a Name?

2011-07-24T19:29:00.001-05:00

Picking out a name for your child can be stressful. Its very permanent!

Matt and I, like many expecting parents debated on the perfect name for quite some time. We compiled a list to which names were constantly added and eliminated. It had to be just right...nothing less than perfect for our special little girl.

On our 1st wedding anniversary we were on our way to dinner and I made the decision that by the end of the night we were going to have a name. At that point I believe we had narrowed it down to two and I just wanted to make the decision. Then out of Matt's mouth came the words "I don't think that either of those names are right." WHAT!?! NEITHER OF THEM!?!?

Scratch that....back to square one. After all of the list making and hem-hawing, we had now successfully eliminated all of our ideas.

The crazy thing is, that same night over dinner we made our decision. It just came to us and felt right from the minute it rolled off our tongues for the first time. It wasn't a name that had been on our list, but we knew that we had hit the jackpot with Charlotte Delene Ritchie.

Charlotte = Matt's Great Grandma
Delene = Matt's Grandma

Perfect.

At one point during my pregnancy Matt referred to our perfect little Charlotte as "Chuck." I'm pretty sure that the glare I gave him at that moment could have burned a hole through his head. I politely/sternly let him know that he was NOT to do it again.

Our little girl was NOT going to be known as "Chuck."

Remember this picture?

I had left Matt and Charlotte at home alone for 2 hours and I came back to see her sporting Packer colors and a football shirt. I called her Chuck that whole afternoon.

Ah, crap....I admit...I called her Chuck all of the time. Really.

Sorry for scolding you Matt.

I love my little Chuckles.