FIVE

Over the past few years my presence here at Little Miss Ritchie during the month of May has changed. The year after Charlotte died, I declared May to be "The Month of Chuck," filling each day with stories and photos of our sweet girl. It was hard. It was emotionally exhausting. It was just too much for my shattered heart to handle. The next year I scaled things back, only posting 5 days a week, but still trying to hold true to "The Month of Chuck" concept. Fast forward yet another year and I came face to face with a very harsh reality...I was running out of memories to share. 

Holy emotional breakdown.  

Now here we are, well into our 4th May without her, and I find myself continuing to distance myself from this space. Its not that I haven't wanted to come here to "decompress," but I've really been struggling to find the words to express the roller coaster of emotions that I've been riding. Year after year I try to convince myself that thing will finally be "easier"...that I will be able to enter May with my head held high and come out of the month relatively unscathed. Year after year I am wrong. I feel myself shutting down. I sleep less. I cry more. This year, more than any other, I've felt angry. 

Last Thursday we celebrated our sweet girl's 5th birthday.  Five years old.  Can you even believe it?  I will always wonder who Charlotte would have been at 5 - her favorites, her tickle spots, her daydreams.  And while my mental images will always result in smiles, it feels so incredibly unfair that we can only pain a picture of who we THINK she would be.  I want to KNOW her.  I want to celebrate WITH her...to give her giant birthday hugs and spoil her morning to night.  Instead, I drug myself out of bed on Thursday and celebrated the best way I knew how. 

We shared extra snuggles in bed and blew good morning birthday kisses to big sister.

We went on a small town donut date in our jams (bed head and all).

We opened our first BIG round of Books for Charley donations.

We napped. ALL of us.

We baked strawberry lemonade cupcakes from scratch, complete with pink frosting that any 5 year old girl would love.

We sang happy birthday, blew out 5 flickering candles and ate cupcakes to our heart's content.

We sent 5 pink polk-a-dot balloons to the sky, complete with birthday wishes and a whole lot of "H"s drawn by a very proud little brother.

Birthdays without her will never be "easy", but May 14th is (and will always be) a day worth celebrating. And celebrate we will. Happy birthday sweet Charley girl. We love you and miss you every minute of every day.  

To Sick or Not To Sick

May 5, 2015:  Maxo fakes an illness (and somehow a fever) in order to spend some quality one-on-one time with Grandma Debbie. 

I'll give him a little credit...he does have a bit of a sad face in this picture. 

Nothing a quick walk around the park won't help though. 

And everyone knows that the Wiggles make everything better....right?

Rumor has it, he was still able to dance despite said fever.

And it all else fails, another trip to the park will most definitely cure all ailments.  

Looks pretty miserable, right?!

Well played, Maxo. Well played. 

Oh Boy!

I was born the youngest of 4 girls.

A little girl who grew up learning from and admiring her big sisters.

A girl who grew up in a neighborhood was filled with other little girls her age.

A girl who played Barbies, did "Get in Shape Girl" workouts with by besties, and played wedding using the sheer curtains in our living room as a veil.

I'm a girl and I'm best at girl things...so I would be lying if I sat here and told you that I have this whole "boy" thing figured out.  Truthfully, there are times when it scares the crap out of me.  Boys are boundless balls of energy.  They (at least ours) prefer trucks over dolls, growling like lions over pretend weddings, and think its hilarious when one of them farts in the bathtub.  Who knew that stuff started so early??

No, I don't always know what I'm doing.

No, I don't always call a truck by the right name (as Harrison is quick to point out).

Yes, I sometimes (err...most of the time) have to make things up as I go.

But I'm learning.  

And I'm loving.  

And sometimes...just sometimes...I hit the ball out of the park.  

And at the end of the day I have two little boys who love their mama despite it all!

A special thanks to our friend Kitty with Heart Heroes for sharing these special superhero capes with Harrison and Max.  Heart Heroes provides capes to CHD kiddos across the globe, helping them recognize and embrace their true super powers and the bravery that lives within them.  I didn't meet my friends from Heart Heroes until shortly after Charlotte earned her wings, but they have always welcomed our family into the amazing community they have created!  For more information or to request/sponsor a cape, please heartheroes.org

Spring Has Sprung

Spring has officially sprung here at the Ritchie farm.  We've been enjoying warmer temperatures, lots of fresh air and sunsets that are extending deeper and deeper into the evening.  It was a long cold winter and the change of seasons is proving to be just what our souls needed.

We've been blowing (and spilling) bubbles...

Enjoying our juice in the backyard - with a bucket koozie of course...

Visiting Callie and Jinx, our neighborhood equine friends...

Tormenting goats at the zoo...

And so much more!

 In between all of the fun adventures, we (Matt) have been working hard on our spring to do list (which seems to grow exponentially with each acre you add to your property!).  It's most definitely a lot of work to live where we do, but there is also a HUGE sense of accomplishment as we check each item off of our list.  The remnants of last year's landscaping have been cleared away, making room for this year's growth, garden beds have been tilled and composted, and we've even managed to put some early season vegetable seeds in the ground.  You probably won't see us opening up a roadside vegetable stand anytime soon...but I'm hoping to be able to fill our pantry with lots of home grown goodies that we can enjoy year round.

With each passing year I find myself falling more in love with this season. Windows open, birds chirping, hints of new life peeking through land that was sad and brown only a few short weeks ago.  

I mean, really, what's not to love?  

Sesame Street Live

Two (+) short months ago Harrison and I had the opportunity to go see Sesame Street Live with his Aunt Krazy and cute-as-pie cousin Benson.  The tickets were a Christmas gift from their NamNam and PopPop...and came complete with passes to a pre-show meet and greet with a few of of our favorite Sesame Street friends! I was a little nervous about how H would react to the "real life" characters, and while he was somewhat hesitant, both boys did really well!

This guy was ready to move and groove!

 H on the other hand, was ready to get back to his mama!

 These boys absolutely melt my heart!

 Thanks for the front row seats NamNam and PopPop!

 The bright flashing lights were a little overwhelming for this cool guy.  Thankfully I had his shades in my bag.  He wore them for the entire show!

 A little snack during intermission.  Such a little stud.

 After an afternoon FULL of all song and dance, this little guy insisted that he wasn't tired.  It took about 2 minutes in the car for him to prove me wrong!

Here's to more exciting best buddy cousin adventures in our future!

All In The Numbers

One year. Seventeen days. 

It's not a milestone that most parents acknowledge. It's a day just like any other day.  
One more than the last. 
One closer to tomorrow. 

It's just a day. 

It's just a day. 

Just a day.

So why - why, why, WHY can't I shake the weight of those numbers.  One year. Seventeen days.  Why can't I let them go.  Why can't I let them pass without notice - stop my brain from shining a giant spotlight on their significance.

There was a point in time where I remember asking myself how I could possibly go on if something were to happen to her.  Where despite her broken little heart, I had convinced myself that she was invincible.  We knew that each day was a blessing, yet I lived and loved each day as if there was some guarantee of more to come.  

Then came one year, seventeen days.

Tomorrow morning our Max will wake up one day older.  

One year. Eighteen days.  

One day bigger. One day smarter. 

One day stronger.  

One day older than his big sister ever got the chance to be.  

So today we loved a little harder.  We snuggled.  We giggled.  We celebrated first steps.   And as we said our goodnights I held him a little longer...feeling his weight, soaking in his smell.  How could I possibly go on if something were to happen to him?  

One year.  Seventeen days.

Maxwell Thane {12 months}

Be still my heart - I cannot believe that our sweet little boy is already 1 year old.  Gone is the squishy little newborn who used to insist on 3AM dance parties.  Gone is the top-heavy baby who was too distracted to keep himself upright.  Those memories feel so fresh in my mind that its hard for me to believe that Maxo is on the fast track to being a big boy.   But no matter how hard to try to keep him little, he insists on proving to us every day that he's anything but.

Happy 1 year, Mr. Max!  Here's a little bit about you as an official "big boy."

{Stats} You really are a big boy, officially weighing in at 24 pounds.  We're finishing up your size 4 diapers and then moving onto a size 5.  While your legs may be chubby and covered with dimples, they are short just like your brother's.  That means that you can still fit into 9-12 month pants while your shirts are all 12-18 month.

{Busy Body} At 1 year old you are always on the move - sneaking over to the stairs with an ornery sparkle in your eye, walking with the help of toys, furniture and walls, scrambling to grab cars and balls before your brother sees you and tries to interfere, launching yourself across the couch as you let out a contagious giggle.  You recently discovered how fun it is to push barstools all around the house.  You most definitely keep us on our toes, and we are having so much fun watching you develop the confidence to try new things.  Big brother Harry walked at about 13 months, and if I had to guess I would say that you are on a similar schedule.

What's with boys and eating dirt??

{All Ears} Oh sweet Max...had I known how amazing tubes were going to be for you I would have done them months ago.  In the past few weeks we have seen a new side of you emerge.  Don't get me wrong, you've always been a happy little guy, but post-tubes Max has stepped things up a level.  You are full of grins, talking more, dancing, and more independent.  You have the sweetest soul and its impossible for me to look at you without smiling.

{Bye-Bye Bottles} Much to your dismay, the last of your bottles has been put into storage.  You had quite the love affair with those things, and I was convinced that you were going to be drinking out of one until you started kindergarten!  But thanks to your amazing teachers at school and a little tough love, you've transitioned to a sip cup and are doing great.  Mommy and Daddy are pretty thrilled about not having to wash bottles anymore, too!

{Words} Sometimes its hard to get a word in with your chatterbox of a brother always making so much noise, but we've noticed a lot more sound coming from your direction this past month.  Mama, dada, ba (ball), moe (more), ahhh-dah (all done), and bye-bye are some of your favorites.  Bye-bye is always accompanied by a wave and followed by you blowing a kiss.  Melt my heart.  

{Odds and Ends} You give the wettest, slobberiest, open mouth kisses.  You're finally starting to take more of an interest in books and we often catch you sitting quietly flipping through pages and looking at pictures...mostly upside-down.  You are still a great sleeper, snuggling up with your grey blanket and sucking on your 2 middle fingers as you fall asleep each night.  You've even moved to a big boy cot at school and are doing great!  You think that your daddy is pretty awesome, but definitely have a soft spot for your mama.  No complaints here.  You have 4 big chompers - 2 on top and 2 on the bottom - and you love to grind them together.  Eek.   You love your big brother and we've started to catch you mimicking his actions more frequently...its a definite game of monkey see, monkey do.

Maxwell Thane {12 months}

Our lives are so much sweeter with you in it Max.  

Its been an amazing year and we can't wait to see what's in store for the days ahead.