FIVE

Over the past few years my presence here at Little Miss Ritchie during the month of May has changed. The year after Charlotte died, I declared May to be "The Month of Chuck," filling each day with stories and photos of our sweet girl. It was hard. It was emotionally exhausting. It was just too much for my shattered heart to handle. The next year I scaled things back, only posting 5 days a week, but still trying to hold true to "The Month of Chuck" concept. Fast forward yet another year and I came face to face with a very harsh reality...I was running out of memories to share. 

Holy emotional breakdown.  

Now here we are, well into our 4th May without her, and I find myself continuing to distance myself from this space. Its not that I haven't wanted to come here to "decompress," but I've really been struggling to find the words to express the roller coaster of emotions that I've been riding. Year after year I try to convince myself that thing will finally be "easier"...that I will be able to enter May with my head held high and come out of the month relatively unscathed. Year after year I am wrong. I feel myself shutting down. I sleep less. I cry more. This year, more than any other, I've felt angry. 

Last Thursday we celebrated our sweet girl's 5th birthday.  Five years old.  Can you even believe it?  I will always wonder who Charlotte would have been at 5 - her favorites, her tickle spots, her daydreams.  And while my mental images will always result in smiles, it feels so incredibly unfair that we can only pain a picture of who we THINK she would be.  I want to KNOW her.  I want to celebrate WITH her...to give her giant birthday hugs and spoil her morning to night.  Instead, I drug myself out of bed on Thursday and celebrated the best way I knew how. 

We shared extra snuggles in bed and blew good morning birthday kisses to big sister.

We went on a small town donut date in our jams (bed head and all).

We opened our first BIG round of Books for Charley donations.

We napped. ALL of us.

We baked strawberry lemonade cupcakes from scratch, complete with pink frosting that any 5 year old girl would love.

We sang happy birthday, blew out 5 flickering candles and ate cupcakes to our heart's content.

We sent 5 pink polk-a-dot balloons to the sky, complete with birthday wishes and a whole lot of "H"s drawn by a very proud little brother.

Birthdays without her will never be "easy", but May 14th is (and will always be) a day worth celebrating. And celebrate we will. Happy birthday sweet Charley girl. We love you and miss you every minute of every day.  

Dreamland

The scene is perfect.  

A little girl sitting in her high chair in the middle of our Sioux Falls backyard.  The grass is emerald green.  The sun is shining.  A gentle breeze blows her fine auburn hair around her face.  She's eating...something we always tried so hard to get her to do.   And she's smiling the most amazing smile.

I don't touch her or talk to her.  I just stand and watch from a distance. 

And then I wake up.

I've had 3 Charlotte dreams in the past 3 years, yet this is the one that I come back to over and over again.  When my mind wants to carry me back to that day.  When the air is sucked out of my lungs and I feel like I'm going to suffocate.  When I feel like the ground might crumble beneath my feet.

Today I need that little girl in the high chair.

This Night.

Tonight I gave in to all of Harrison's bed time stalling techniques....we read countless books, wore "zebra hats," gave horsey rides in bed, tickled, giggled, pointed and named every part of my face a million times, talked about tractors, threw bears overboard and had to rescue them...you name it, we did it. I probably would have stayed there all night had he not picked his nose and tried to feed it to me (multiple times).  

I couldn't say no. I couldn't walk away. 

Tonight my heart is heavy with the knowledge that there is never a guarantee of tomorrow. Snuggle your babies tight. Sneak into their rooms and give them kisses, even if it risks waking them up.   Whisper "I love you" in their little ears even though they're sound asleep. 

You never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Purple Eggs {May 2014}

Here we are, 22 days into May.

 Two "hard(er)" days behind us.

One of the hardest looming just over a week away.

We've made it through the past 22 days with relative grace.  Yes, there have been tears along the way and quiet moments moments of grief, but there have also been lots of smiles, conversations with our boys about their special angel in Heaven, and love....SO MUCH LOVE...coming our direction from all of you.  God continues to bless us with "purple eggs"...and they couldn't be coming at a better time.

The "purplest" of all purple eggs:  Mother's Day with my boys (all 3 of them!)

Hilarious day-to-day moments with Sir Harrison--

like finding a handful of rocks in his shoe!

Early morning giggles over breakfast.

Love for our little girl covering some very special rocks.

Our new Pygmy hippo.  He/She lives at the zoo, but a memorial made in Charlotte's name pretty much makes him ours, right?  Harrison loves to look at "ChaCha's hippoooo" and can't wait to go visit. 

First blooms on a very special tree.

 Moments that remind me of how blessed we are to be back in Omaha closer to family.

These smiles - Enough said.
 A butterfly Barbie left behind by some of the sweetest girls I know.

 A surprise birthday breakfast, complete with coffee, "cake," and candles delivered to my work.

Our birthday tradition...cupcakes, candles and a little "Happy Birthday."

 Balloons sent to sweet Charlotte in Heaven (or to the moon if you ask Harrison).  

Not 20 minutes later she sent us the most amazing thank you.  

There is no doubt in my mind that Charlotte has had her hand in each and every one of these moments.  Whether through a look in her brother's eyes that reminds us of her, a perfectly timed "Charlotte song" on the radio, or the most perfect rainbow I've ever seen - she is with us.  Every day.  Every moment.  Always.

Thank you, God, for purple eggs.

Four, Four, Four

May 14, 2010.  I had every reason to be terrified.

First time mom-to-be.
A baby with a dropping heart rate.
A wild goose chase to find my husband.
A 3 hour drive to be closer to the hospital that would give our baby a chance at life.
News that I needed an urgent c-section.

All on top of a CHD diagnosis and the unknowns that come with it.

But then this happened....

And in that moment, nothing else really mattered.

Happy 4th birthday, Sweet Charlotte.  I wish more than anything that you were here with us today, celebrating your special day in the park with your brothers.  I'm sure that as a spunky 4 year old you would be bossing them around like all good big sisters do!  Instead, we'll be blowing out your candles on our own, blowing bubbles and sending you balloons to play with in Heaven.  I hope you like them!

I love you, baby girl.  Forever and Always.  Beyond words or explanation.

The 31st

Two years.  

The thought of it makes my breath catch in my lungs, my eyes sting with familiar tears of grief.  It's like all of the healing that I've done over the past 2 years just flies out the window on days like yesterday.  Suddenly I'm back in that mental haze, walking blindly through my day, uncertain of how I'll get from point A to point B.  I tried to keep busy, to keep myself distracted, but a heavy heart is hard to ignore.

Despite it all...yesterday was a "good" day.  Good in a way that only a terribly painful day can be.  I spent the morning with my Harrison, a good chunk of the afternoon sitting in the sun with my Charlotte, saw family, checked in on our construction, and had a full house for dinner.  Thanks to all of you who showered us with extra love.  Your kind words, prayers and hugs (both real and virtual) go a long way towards carrying us through difficult days. 

My sweet girl never leaves my mind, and on days like yesterday I'm sure that she never left my side either.  I know that she is always with me...snuggled inside my heart, alive in all that I do.  

Oh baby girl, I miss you so much.

Swinging Sweeties

"The Swing"

How do you like to go up in a swing?
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
Rivers and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown -
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!

~Robert Louis Stevenson

Weekending

I know that Sunday is typically dubbed the official "day of rest," but after a crazy weekend in the Ritchie house, we're assigning that title to Tuesday!  

I worked Friday, Saturday and Sunday (boooo)...so Matt was on kiddo duty.  

On Saturday they made a trip to Omaha.  While there, they paid a quick visit to Grammy and then met up with my family for some beach side fun!  My cousin and her family recently built a lake home and we are looking forward to spending LOTS of time there soaking up the sun.  I was jealous that I was stuck at work, but they made sure to send lots of pictures my way!

Apparently he's not a huge fan of life jackets!

On Sunday Matt and Harrison had a play date with our friends, the Metzlers.  Two generations of buddies in the making!  

On Monday, we loaded up the car and headed to Omaha for some more family fun.  My family has been getting together on Memorial Day for as long as I can remember, and I'm so excited to start the tradition with Mr. Harrison.  There's always an abundance of food, followed by out door activities and the annual golf tournament, the Corner Lot Memorial Day Open.  Funny...the only pictures that I took the whole day were of Harrison eating!

Chicken, peas, pasta, and his very first taste of watermelon!  YUMMY!

 Aunt Erin thought that he needed some practice for his birthday in a month and gave him a cake pop.  He dove right in!

 Hmmmmm.....maybe I need to keep closer tabs on Aunt Erin.  Later I walked into the garage and found a certain someone with Oreo salad all over his face.....

We headed home after dinner and some hula-hooping (good lord, I wish I would have gotten some video).  Harrison was extremely OVER tired and fought sleep the entire drive back to Lincoln.  I crawled into the back seat to help keep him entertained and ended up playing with his hair.  All of the sunscreen we'd been slathering on him all day made for some good styling product!  HA!

We made it home right before some summer thunderstorms rolled into town, have H a quick bath and settled down for a quiet night.  I went to lay my sweet baby down in bed, but I only made it to the door before I turned back around and scooped him up into my arms.   

My last perfect Memorial Day was in 2011...and it was followed up by the worst day of my life.  The day we said good-bye to sweet Charlotte.

This mama needed some snuggles. And snuggle we did.

Today is the day after Memorial Day.  A day where most people are dragging themselves back to work after a 3 day weekend.  A day that will forever and ever be a hard one for me for totally different reasons.  Today we are home.  We are playing.  We are packing.  We are enjoying one more day together.  

It is our day of rest.

The Little Things

Today's post is a double dipper...I'm counting it as both Thursday and Friday's Month of Chuck.  While I had good intentions of a separate post for each day, sometimes life happens and things don't work out as planned.  Sometimes you have a crazy little boy to chase around the house and subsequently snuggle when he bonks his head a thousand times.  Sometimes you sit down at the computer and stare at a scribbled list of topics, and the words just won't come.

Last night after tucking Harrison in for the night, I sat down and started watching some old Charlotte videos.  Our old Flip camera sorts all of the videos you upload by month...and I quickly noticed that during May 2011, I took more videos of our little girl than I did any other month before then.  Our last month with Charlotte...the most memories captured on video.  So bitter sweet...had I known, I would have filmed every minute of every day.

I watched video after video.  

Laughed.

Cried.

Smiled.

Soaked in every detail that was her.

Those socks she's wearing at 1 year old?  They fit Harrison at 3 months.  She had the tiniest little feet.

Oh, poor baby and her bruised thighs.  She took those Lovenox shots like a champ.

Her noisy breathing...so much quieter than the squawking sound she made when we first brought her home.  

Her purple nail beds...more purple than I remembered.

Her rosy cheeks, goofy expressions, big beautiful eyes.

Potsy...a toy that Harrison plays with every day.  What a silly girl stirring its contents with her little feet.

Then there's her little chuckle after she quietly says "moo."  Always cracking herself up.

Sigh.

I don't know what made me pick up the camera that day to film such an average, everyday moment...but I thank God that I did.  

Oh, baby girl.  I miss you with all my heart.  

FIRST Family Pictures

The other day I posted about family pictures...but it wasn't until this morning that I realized I forgot a very important image that day.  Our very FIRST family pictures with each of our kiddos.

Charlotte was born via c-section at 10:15 pm on May 14, 2010.  We got to see her briefly while they cleaned her up and did a quick examination, but then we went our separate ways -- me to surgical recovery, her to the NICU.  They rolled my bed down to see her that night, but with all of the excitement and activity over her little heart, we didn't get any pictures of the three of us.   

This picture was taken 2 days later as we prepared to send Charlotte off for her very first heart cath.   I look at this picture and see so many things....exhaustion that comes with having a sick child, fear of handing her over for the first time, a pesky breathing tube :(....but most of all I see an insane amount of love.  

Just over 2 years later, this next picture was taken - our very first family picture with our brand new baby boy.  It was so different the second time around...no NICU, no breathing tube, no asking if it was possible to hold our own child.  And though so very, very different, I look at this picture and again, my heart swells. 

So much love.

Books for Charley {2013} - An Update

We're officially 3 weeks in to this year's Books for Charley collection and still going strong.  Thank you to those of you who have already contributed to our collection, either through books or monetary donations.  So far we have 200 books in our posession with lots more that still waiting to be picked up.  I know that lots of you have told me that you have books ready....if that's the case, please let me know and we can come up with a time to meet up!  In addition to those books, we also have also received almost $800 in donations!  I'm SO excited to do some book shopping in a few weeks! 

There is still plenty of time to make donations.  We're still shy of our numbers from last year's collection, and while I know that its not all about volume, my competitive side always wants to go bigger and better!!  I've included donation information below, as well as a link to an Amazon.com wish list that we set up for the event.  If you order from this list, the books will be sent directly to us here in Nebraska...and even better yet, if you spend $25 the shipping is FREE!  Can't beat that!

How to Donate:

Local drop-offs: Please email us at charleysheart@gmail.com if you would like to coordinate a drop-off in the Omaha/Lincoln area. We've got family in all corners of town so we'll work out whatever is most convenient for you!

Harlan, IA donations: If you live in the Harlan area and would like to make a donation, books can be dropped off at 1407 Willow Street (Jan Goeser). Please contact her if you would like to coordinate a drop off.

Mailed donations: Last year we had books come in from all over the country! If you would like to send your donation through the mail, please use the address listed below.

Charley's Heart

2730 NW Dahlia Drive

Lincoln, NE 68524 

PayPal donations: Click HERE to be directed to the Charley's Heart website. From there, look for the "Donate Now" button on the right hand side of the screen. 

***NEW*** 

Amazon.com Wish List:  Click HERE to be taken to our Books for Charley wish list!  Right now there are 42 books remaining on the list...we would LOVE to get that number down to ZERO by the end of the month.  If you've already made a purchase through this link, THANK YOU! 


**Remember, the C.A.R. Alliance for Safer Teen Driving 2013 Walk/Run is THIS weekend.  I have to work (boo hoo) but some of Charlotte's biggest fans will be our representing Charley's Heart and helping collect books.  Click HERE to register.

Family Photos

Family pictures are bittersweet for me.  I love documenting our family at various stages, looking back and ooo-ing and awww-ing over how much little ones have changed in such a short time, thinking to myself "what was I thinking" with that hair, or "is Matt wearing the same cut-off shirt that he was wearing in our last picture?"  And while these images will always make me smile, they also make my heart hurt knowing that they will forever be somewhat incomplete. 

There will be "before" pictures.  Photos of our happy family of three. 

Fourth of July 2010

 Christmas 2010

 Charlotte's 1st birthday party

And then there will be "after" pictures.  Photos that once again make us look like a happy family of three...when really we are three plus one.  A mom.  A dad.  A smiling baby boy.  And the spirit of a sister gone too soon.

Christmas 2011 - Don't our pups look thrilled? 

June 26, 2012 - Taken just hours before meeting sweet Harrison

 Christmas 2012

There are no photos of Charlotte meeting her baby brother for the first time.
No images of her sweetly kissing him on his newborn baby forehead or trying to poke his eye out.

No crazy moments spent trying to get both kiddos to look at the camera at the same time.

And even though she is not physically in these pictures, I still see bits of here in each of them.  Whether it be through a picture within a picture, a heart sweater so aptly named the "Charley," or a little teddy bear that her brother has fallen in love with.

Harrison meeting Charley Bear for the first time.

 That little bear quickly became a big part of bedtime

 Moments like this...sigh...

She is always with us.  Forever a part of our family. 

Our photos may feel incomplete, but her spirit makes our hearts whole.