Four Years an Angel

"Only when our eyes have adjusted to the dark can we appreciate the splendor of the moon and the stars. 

Only when we have sat in hopeless loss can we appreciate every blessing." 

 

Every blessing. Blessings in the good times. Blessings in the soul crushing times. Blessings from our time spent with her and in the shape our lives have taken because of her. The memories and the stories we tell her brothers. The family and friends who continue to carry us when we struggle to navigate this path on our own. 50 pink geraniums. Kites to fly us closer to her.  Evenings spent with some of those who loved her most.  Donuts delivered to our front door. 

Sometimes it takes hopeless loss to truly grasp the magnitude of how blessed we are. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Today I want nothing more than to sulk on my couch in my pjs, but instead I will focus my eyes on life's blessings - holding my head high with the knowledge that someday I will hold her in my arms again. 

I love you baby girl. Forever and always. Beyond words or explanation. 

FIVE

Over the past few years my presence here at Little Miss Ritchie during the month of May has changed. The year after Charlotte died, I declared May to be "The Month of Chuck," filling each day with stories and photos of our sweet girl. It was hard. It was emotionally exhausting. It was just too much for my shattered heart to handle. The next year I scaled things back, only posting 5 days a week, but still trying to hold true to "The Month of Chuck" concept. Fast forward yet another year and I came face to face with a very harsh reality...I was running out of memories to share. 

Holy emotional breakdown.  

Now here we are, well into our 4th May without her, and I find myself continuing to distance myself from this space. Its not that I haven't wanted to come here to "decompress," but I've really been struggling to find the words to express the roller coaster of emotions that I've been riding. Year after year I try to convince myself that thing will finally be "easier"...that I will be able to enter May with my head held high and come out of the month relatively unscathed. Year after year I am wrong. I feel myself shutting down. I sleep less. I cry more. This year, more than any other, I've felt angry. 

Last Thursday we celebrated our sweet girl's 5th birthday.  Five years old.  Can you even believe it?  I will always wonder who Charlotte would have been at 5 - her favorites, her tickle spots, her daydreams.  And while my mental images will always result in smiles, it feels so incredibly unfair that we can only pain a picture of who we THINK she would be.  I want to KNOW her.  I want to celebrate WITH her...to give her giant birthday hugs and spoil her morning to night.  Instead, I drug myself out of bed on Thursday and celebrated the best way I knew how. 

We shared extra snuggles in bed and blew good morning birthday kisses to big sister.

We went on a small town donut date in our jams (bed head and all).

We opened our first BIG round of Books for Charley donations.

We napped. ALL of us.

We baked strawberry lemonade cupcakes from scratch, complete with pink frosting that any 5 year old girl would love.

We sang happy birthday, blew out 5 flickering candles and ate cupcakes to our heart's content.

We sent 5 pink polk-a-dot balloons to the sky, complete with birthday wishes and a whole lot of "H"s drawn by a very proud little brother.

Birthdays without her will never be "easy", but May 14th is (and will always be) a day worth celebrating. And celebrate we will. Happy birthday sweet Charley girl. We love you and miss you every minute of every day.  

To Sick or Not To Sick

May 5, 2015:  Maxo fakes an illness (and somehow a fever) in order to spend some quality one-on-one time with Grandma Debbie. 

I'll give him a little credit...he does have a bit of a sad face in this picture. 

Nothing a quick walk around the park won't help though. 

And everyone knows that the Wiggles make everything better....right?

Rumor has it, he was still able to dance despite said fever.

And it all else fails, another trip to the park will most definitely cure all ailments.  

Looks pretty miserable, right?!

Well played, Maxo. Well played. 

Oh Boy!

I was born the youngest of 4 girls.

A little girl who grew up learning from and admiring her big sisters.

A girl who grew up in a neighborhood was filled with other little girls her age.

A girl who played Barbies, did "Get in Shape Girl" workouts with by besties, and played wedding using the sheer curtains in our living room as a veil.

I'm a girl and I'm best at girl things...so I would be lying if I sat here and told you that I have this whole "boy" thing figured out.  Truthfully, there are times when it scares the crap out of me.  Boys are boundless balls of energy.  They (at least ours) prefer trucks over dolls, growling like lions over pretend weddings, and think its hilarious when one of them farts in the bathtub.  Who knew that stuff started so early??

No, I don't always know what I'm doing.

No, I don't always call a truck by the right name (as Harrison is quick to point out).

Yes, I sometimes (err...most of the time) have to make things up as I go.

But I'm learning.  

And I'm loving.  

And sometimes...just sometimes...I hit the ball out of the park.  

And at the end of the day I have two little boys who love their mama despite it all!

A special thanks to our friend Kitty with Heart Heroes for sharing these special superhero capes with Harrison and Max.  Heart Heroes provides capes to CHD kiddos across the globe, helping them recognize and embrace their true super powers and the bravery that lives within them.  I didn't meet my friends from Heart Heroes until shortly after Charlotte earned her wings, but they have always welcomed our family into the amazing community they have created!  For more information or to request/sponsor a cape, please heartheroes.org

Spring Has Sprung

Spring has officially sprung here at the Ritchie farm.  We've been enjoying warmer temperatures, lots of fresh air and sunsets that are extending deeper and deeper into the evening.  It was a long cold winter and the change of seasons is proving to be just what our souls needed.

We've been blowing (and spilling) bubbles...

Enjoying our juice in the backyard - with a bucket koozie of course...

Visiting Callie and Jinx, our neighborhood equine friends...

Tormenting goats at the zoo...

And so much more!

 In between all of the fun adventures, we (Matt) have been working hard on our spring to do list (which seems to grow exponentially with each acre you add to your property!).  It's most definitely a lot of work to live where we do, but there is also a HUGE sense of accomplishment as we check each item off of our list.  The remnants of last year's landscaping have been cleared away, making room for this year's growth, garden beds have been tilled and composted, and we've even managed to put some early season vegetable seeds in the ground.  You probably won't see us opening up a roadside vegetable stand anytime soon...but I'm hoping to be able to fill our pantry with lots of home grown goodies that we can enjoy year round.

With each passing year I find myself falling more in love with this season. Windows open, birds chirping, hints of new life peeking through land that was sad and brown only a few short weeks ago.  

I mean, really, what's not to love?  

Sesame Street Live

Two (+) short months ago Harrison and I had the opportunity to go see Sesame Street Live with his Aunt Krazy and cute-as-pie cousin Benson.  The tickets were a Christmas gift from their NamNam and PopPop...and came complete with passes to a pre-show meet and greet with a few of of our favorite Sesame Street friends! I was a little nervous about how H would react to the "real life" characters, and while he was somewhat hesitant, both boys did really well!

This guy was ready to move and groove!

 H on the other hand, was ready to get back to his mama!

 These boys absolutely melt my heart!

 Thanks for the front row seats NamNam and PopPop!

 The bright flashing lights were a little overwhelming for this cool guy.  Thankfully I had his shades in my bag.  He wore them for the entire show!

 A little snack during intermission.  Such a little stud.

 After an afternoon FULL of all song and dance, this little guy insisted that he wasn't tired.  It took about 2 minutes in the car for him to prove me wrong!

Here's to more exciting best buddy cousin adventures in our future!

All In The Numbers

One year. Seventeen days. 

It's not a milestone that most parents acknowledge. It's a day just like any other day.  
One more than the last. 
One closer to tomorrow. 

It's just a day. 

It's just a day. 

Just a day.

So why - why, why, WHY can't I shake the weight of those numbers.  One year. Seventeen days.  Why can't I let them go.  Why can't I let them pass without notice - stop my brain from shining a giant spotlight on their significance.

There was a point in time where I remember asking myself how I could possibly go on if something were to happen to her.  Where despite her broken little heart, I had convinced myself that she was invincible.  We knew that each day was a blessing, yet I lived and loved each day as if there was some guarantee of more to come.  

Then came one year, seventeen days.

Tomorrow morning our Max will wake up one day older.  

One year. Eighteen days.  

One day bigger. One day smarter. 

One day stronger.  

One day older than his big sister ever got the chance to be.  

So today we loved a little harder.  We snuggled.  We giggled.  We celebrated first steps.   And as we said our goodnights I held him a little longer...feeling his weight, soaking in his smell.  How could I possibly go on if something were to happen to him?  

One year.  Seventeen days.