Hope in the Darkness

For the past few months I've been slightly obsessed with the newest Mumford and Sons album "Babel."  I loved the first album...one that will forever and ever remind me of our kitchen dance parties with Charlotte, and this second album is just as good--if not better.  

There is one song in particular on this album that always strikes an emotional chord with me.  I've listened to it a hundred times (sometimes multiple times in a row)...and I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have made it from start to finish with dry eyes. It speaks so much to the road that Matt and I have been walking these past few years.  A road that hasn't been easy.  A road that has pushed us to our limits.  The lyrics really say it all...

"Ghosts That We Knew"

You saw my pain washed out in the rain

Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins

But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart

And you knelt beside my hope torn apart

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and

We'll live a long life

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

'Cause oh that gave me such a fright

But I will hold as long as you like

Just promise me we'll be alright

So lead me back, turn south from that place

And close my eyes to my recent disgrace

'Cause you know my call

And we'll share my all

And our children come and they will hear me roar

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

'Cause oh that gave me such a fright

But I will hold as long as you like

Just promise me we'll be alright

But hold me still, bury my heart on the coals

But hold me still, bury my heart next to yours 

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

'Cause oh that gave me such a fright

But I will hold on with all of my might

Just promise me we'll be alright

But the ghosts that we knew made us black and all blue

But we'll live a long life

And the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view

And we'll live a long life

The past 19 months have been harder, more excruciatingly painful, than anything I could ever describe. We've been in dark places; felt totally crushed and defeated. We've had days where we've just wanted to give up.  But while we stand here today with inevitable bumps and bruises, we have not been broken.  We continue to seek out HOPE in the darkness.

Hope that, while sometimes hard to see, there is a plan for our family.

Hope that we WILL some day hold our perfect little girl again.

Hope that came to us in the form of a little baby boy.

Hope that no matter how much it hurts...we WILL be alright.

I will hold on with all of my might.

Just promise me we'll be alright.

Just promise me we'll be alright.

All of Me

On the morning of May 31st, I sat down at this very computer and updated my Facebook profile with the following...

"Matt Hammitt, the lead singer of the Christian band Sanctus Real has a son that was born with HLHS. They recently launched a new nonprofit, the Whole Hearts Foundation to help children and families affected by congenital heart defects. Check it out....great song and a portion of the proceeds go to this organization!"

The song "All of Me" was the first track released from Matt's new album Every Falling Tear.  It came out that morning and immediately tugged at the heart strings of heart parents around the country.  To quote Matt, "Our natural reaction is to build walls between ourselves and the things that can cause us more pain.  But what if the thing that can cause you the most pain in your life is another person?  And what if that person is your own child?  You have to ask yourself...Am I willing to fully give my heart to someone knowing that I might lose a piece of it?"

Matt and I both knew that despite our greatest fears we would love Charlotte with every thing that we had...and thats exactly what we did.  Yes, we were scared, but amidst the fear we discovered a depth of love that we never knew existed.  

I posted that Facebook update on May 31st, about 20 minutes before we took Charlotte to the hospital for her lung scan.  Little did I know that my fears would become reality in just a few short hours and that our lives would be forever changed.  

As hard as it is, when I hear this song I have to comfort myself knowing that we gave ourselves 100% and loved without boundaries.

"All of Me"

Matt Hammit, Every Falling Tear

Afraid to love, something that could break,

Could I move on, if you were torn away?

I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart, and pray it makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

Trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me, you're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me,

Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love, even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

It's where I'll start 

The album Every Falling Tear was released in its entirety earlier this week with a portion of the proceeds going to the Whole Hearts Foundation.  Lucky me...I got it as a gift yesterday!!  I think that you should all go check it out!

A Heart So Big

A few weeks ago I shared the lyrics to Coldplay's song "Fix You" that was played at Charlotte's memorial service.  I thought today that I would share just a line from the other song we played.  The whole song is great, but this line just seemed perfect.

And if you were with me tonight,

I'd sing to you just one more time.

A song for a heart so big,

God couldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.

Jimmy Eat World

"May Angels Lead You In"