Dreamland

The scene is perfect.  

A little girl sitting in her high chair in the middle of our Sioux Falls backyard.  The grass is emerald green.  The sun is shining.  A gentle breeze blows her fine auburn hair around her face.  She's eating...something we always tried so hard to get her to do.   And she's smiling the most amazing smile.

I don't touch her or talk to her.  I just stand and watch from a distance. 

And then I wake up.

I've had 3 Charlotte dreams in the past 3 years, yet this is the one that I come back to over and over again.  When my mind wants to carry me back to that day.  When the air is sucked out of my lungs and I feel like I'm going to suffocate.  When I feel like the ground might crumble beneath my feet.

Today I need that little girl in the high chair.

Weekend Fun

The Ritchie family is thoroughly enjoying Fall this year and this weekend has been no exception!  

Our Saturday was full of Husker cheering...

 Road tripping...

 Cousins playing...

 Baby snuggling...

 Pumpkin carving...

 Ooooo-ing and Ahhh-ing...

 Always remembering...

Something to Snuggle With

Hello. My name is Kristen Ritchie. I am 30 years old...and I still sleep with my baby blanket. 

I have had my green blanket since I was a brand new, itty bitty baby. It has long been my security...familiar and reliable.  Over the course of the last 30 years my blanket has been put thru the ringer.  It has gone above and beyond standard blanket duties--soaking up tears, catching drool and wiping my sniffly nose as I've cried myself to sleep. It has been crammed into suitcases, subjected to "dorm life" and spit-up on by my babies. It has been washed a million times. What was once a soft and vibrant green fabric is now worn and faded--officially showing its age.  The batting inside is torn and the fabric is becoming transparent. I'm sad it's falling apart, yet shocked that it has hung on this long. 

My blanket is kind of a big deal. 

Charlotte (2 months) lounging on my blanket.  If I didn't see the scar down her chest I would swear that this was her little brother.  Wow.

Stella likes it too!

My baby girl has a blanket too. It's green just like her mama's.  While she never had the words to tell us how she felt, I'm pretty confident that she loved it.  Her green blanket saw her through lots of scary times...the nicu, heart caths, surgeries...it was safe and familiar. There was one particular corner that she was especially fond of.  I'm not quite sure how she differentiated between them, but she always managed to find the right one. She would put the silky material in her mouth, soaking it with her slobber.  Sigh.  

I was so excited that Charlotte would have a green blanket just like mine!

 Charlotte with her blanket at less than 1 week old

Charlotte's baptism

Snuggled up with Dad

Cozied up for a World Series playoff game

Thanksgiving at Grammy's house

 Tired morning before surgery

 Something soft and familiar during the scariest moments

Snug as a bug

Mmmmmm yum

Lucky Mr. Harrison got a very similar blanket at his baby shower.  It is bright red, just like his cousin Owen's (who happened to help pick this one out!)  He's still pretty little to really grasp the whole "I love my blanket" thing, but I think that we are well on our way to establishing a favorite.  I mean really, look at his little grin below...

Dreamy sleep smiles...my favorite!

Just chillin'

So warm and snuggly

You know it's a good nap when the tongue comes out.

One of my favorites...Happy yet heartbreaking.  

Harrison in the hospital with two very special blankets.

Daddy's Hat

Charlotte liked lots of things...

Being outdoors

Her puppies

Cookies

"Potsy" her singing pot

Walks in the stroller 

Yes, she liked  lots of things, but there was one thing in particular that rose above the others...one things that she was absolutely fascinated by -- Her daddy's hat. For those of you who know Matt, you know that he is a man who finds a hat that he likes and proceeds to wear it until its original form is barely recognizable. The colors fade, they become sweat stained from the summer heat, and occasionally....well...they stink.  So just imagine my joy when this became the "toy" of choice for Miss Charlotte. She loved taking it off and putting it back on Matt's head....over and over and over again!  When he walked into the room she would get the biggest grin on her face and her had would instantly shoot up in the air indicating that she wanted that stinky old hat. She didn't just like it...she loved it!  Silly girl.

Matt still has a hat that looks just  like the one photographed above, but we haven't seen the original in almost a year.  As a matter of fact, the last time we saw that hat was the last time we saw our little girl. For now she's keeping it safe for her Daddy and I have a crazy feeling in my heart that when we are all reunited some day...little miss will have her daddy's hat firm in her grasp and a big grin on her face.

Sigh...I never thought that I could love a stinky old hat so much. 

To Our Precious 2 Year Old....

Dear Charley Bear,

I'm not quite sure where to start.  My heart is feeling so many different emotions today and its hard to sort through them all.  I guess that an obvious place to begin would be by saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  Today marks 2 whole years since the very best day of my entire life --May 14, 2010, the day that I saw your perfect little face for the first time. 

On the 14th of every month I wrote you a letter to track your accomplishments and to capture memories of your childhood.  Each letter was accompanied by a picture to show us just how quickly you were changing.  We celebrated twelve months of 14ths together before we had to say goodbye.  After you went to be with Jesus in Heaven, I continued to write you on the 14th...but as the months passed the letters stopped.  I didn't foget about you baby girl, it just got to be too hard.  I wanted nothing more than to take your picture on those days, to squeeze you tight and to smother you with kisses, but instead I was sending kisses to the sky and hoping that you could feel them.  The last year of 14ths has been hard, but none as hard as today.

I daydream about what you would be like as a 2 year old.  Would you be running circles around us?  Would you be a chatter box like your mama?  A goofball like your daddy? What would your favorite book be?  Or your favorite food?  I can only imagine what that crazy head of hair of yours would be like!  It hurts that there are so many questions that we will never have the answers to. 

And while I may feel sad...today is really a day about celebrating you.  I'm not sure what your daddy and I will do in your honor...maybe have a special dinner, maybe we'll send you some balloons, maybe we'll just snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.  Who knows.  But it goes without saying that no matter what, our minds and hearts will be dedicated to you.  Last night we even made you some yummy birthday cupcakes (daddy worked so hard!)...I'm sure that you would have loved them!

Charlotte's 'Cute as a Button' birthday party 2011

 Family picture at Charlotte's party.  

She was one worn out little girl but still as happy as could be!

We love you so much Charlotte Delene!  Its no use trying to put it into words...but I know that you can feel it pouring from our hearts. Mommy and Daddy are blowing extra special birthday kisses to you today and missing you like crazy.

Happy second birthday to our little Bear in Heaven.  

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX, Mommy and Daddy (and your crazy puppies too!)

Mother's Day

I'll be totally upfront with you - This is going to be a hard post.  I'm typing sentence #3 and am already sitting here with tear-filled eyes.  I'm trying my best to be positive about Mothers's day because after all, I have 2 incredible, amazing, perfect children - One in Heaven and one I can't wait to meet.  But at the same time it's a hard painful day accompanied by so many emotions. Deep breath....here we go.

My very first Mother's Day was in 2010 when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  First baby.  First time Mom.  First Mother's day.  Excited doesn't really seem to capture the emotions that I was feeling that year!  I couldn't wait to hold my little girl in my arms.  I couldn't wait to be her Mommy.  That year I came home to a finished nursery and a brand new rocker!

The following year, Mother's Day #2, I had almost a full year under my belt.  It wasn't an easy year by any means, but every challenge that we faced and conquered together reinforced in my heart just how BLESSED I was to be Charlotte's mommy.  She taught me everything that I know about being a mommy and SO MUCH MORE.  Oh how I miss that little girl.

My 3rd Mother's Day?  Well, I'm here...and I'm definitely a mom...but in a way that is so overwhelmingly different than I ever imagined.  To an outsider I probably look like that same Mom I was 2 years ago; one anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first child.  But there is so much more to our story...details that I just want to scream at everyone who passes my way.  I cannot hold my baby girl, but I AM a mom all the same.  

When Charlotte started to discover her ADORABLE little voice, I did my very best to make sure that "Mama" would be one of the first words to pass from her lips.  "MaMaMa." "MaMaMa."

I sighed as she mastered "Dada" first. Darn you Daddy!
I giggled as she fell in love with whispering "Hi."
I celebrated when she conquered "Bye-Bye."

I waited and waited for "Mama."  She knew the word.  She knew who this elusive "Mommy" character was--the little stinker just refused to say it!  One day shortly after we lost her I realized that I never heard "Mama" pass through her lips. 
I was crushed.  My heart was sad.  Crazy how something so little can hurt so badly.

Then Matt reminded me of something...gulp...

We taught Charlotte lots of things (you've seen the videos!).  This girl could clap, wiggle, show us how big she was, smack her little lips on command....the list goes on and on.  If you would ask her where her heart was, she could even show you that!  We would always follow that question by letting her know how special that little heart of hers was.

Well, one day Matt asked Charlotte "Where's Mommy?" and guess what that little love bug did...

She looked my direction and put those perfect little hands of hers right over her heart.

Another of the many (poor quality) cell phone pictures that I am so incredibly thankful for.

I cannot hold you. I cannot see you. 

I cannot hear your little voice call my name...

But you are forever in my heart, and I am forever in yours.  
You made me a Mommy and for that I am thankful.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL of the Mom's in my life.

Sexy and I Know It

Yes, I realize the title of this post may not seem like the most "appropirate" way to reflect on my daughter...but I PROMISE that there is a connection and it is one that makes me smile every time that I hear this annoying song.  Feel free to listen to the whole thing if you are up for a little LMFAO dance party, but if you want to get right to the point, skip ahead to about 2 minutes and 10 seconds.  (I was going to post the actual video for the song, but there was just a little too much "wiggling" going on!)

I heard this song for the very first time as I was driving home from work one day.  I wasn't really paying much attention until the lyrics started repeating "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle."  My eyes immediately shot to the picture of Charlotte that is attached to my visor and a huge grin took over my face.  Why you may ask?


Here's why.

The first time I ever saw this video my heart MELTED.  Apparently Daddy and Charley had an impromptu dance lesson one day while I was out running errands and he caught it all on our Flip camera.  Thanks to her Daddy, Charlotte mastered the most challenging dance move...."The Wiggle."  Those two together...sigh...nothing made me happier.

The only word that I can come up with to say how I feel about this video is LOVE. Love my little girl. Love her Daddy. Love that he captured her sweet little smile and sparkling eyes. Love. Love. Love.  

Fun with the Rockows

In one entire year, I can count on 2 hands the number of times that Matt and I left Charlotte alone with someone other than ourselves or her daycare family.  We lived 3 hours away from grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles, and really weren't comfortable with the thought of leaving Charlotte with a babysitter.  Heck, lets be honest, even when there WAS family around, leaving our little girl brought on some serious separation anxiety.  Its not that I didn't TRUST the people watching her, it was more that I never really gave myself the chance to get used to leaving her....after all, I was super-mom...right?  (Note to self - Kristen, you're a moron!)


You would think that by the time we hit the one year mark that I would have been totally relaxed leaving her with family for a few hours. HA!  If you thought that, you would be wrong!  On the morning of Charlotte's 1st birthday, Matt and I went to his sister's graduation and left our little lady with her Aunt Lindsey.  FYI- Lindsey has 3 kids of her own.  She's taken care of her fair share of 1 year olds--which makes it ridiculous that I was anything other than totally relaxed leaving Charlotte in her care.  Even though I knew that everything was going to be perfectly fine, I still found myself concerned that she wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't stop crying because she missed super mom and dad so much!  (Again, Kristen - you're a moron!)  


Summary of events:  CHARLOTTE SURVIVED WITHOUT US!  HOLY COW!  Who would have seen that one coming!?  Not only that, but in her short time at the Rockow house they created some pretty awesome memories.  In the words of my sister...

I am SO glad that the kids and I got to spend the morning with Charlotte on her 1st birthday.  Even though we spent just a few hours with her while her mommy and daddy were away, we managed to snap some cute pictures, make Charlotte giggle a lot, eat, take a nap and even capture a little bit of her happiness and giggles on video.  Ben sure had a way with her!  One of the best moments for me was rocking Charlotte to sleep for her morning nap.  I was told she would be restless if I tried, but my soft sweet singing and rocking put her to sleep with no problems at all.  I rocked Charlotte, stroked her sweet chubby cheeks and just smiled.  It was such a calm and sweet time with Charlotte, one I will hold in my heart always.  Thank you Kristen for having me babysit that morning!  I am thankful every day!

Here are some pictures from that morning.  

One of my all time favorites...Chuckles and Aubrey...the 2 girlies in the family.  

I'm 1000% positive that they would have been best buddies.

 Chuckles and Ben

 Chuckles and Jacob

And here is the video that Lindsey mentioned.  I didn't see this until after Charlotte earned her wings--to hear her laugh again brought so many emotions to the surface for me.  I find so much JOY knowing that in her time here on Earth she was the happiest of happy little girls.  

Our Little Butterfly

I got this message back in December but wanted to wait for the perfect time to share it.  I knew that May was going to be tough and that I wanted to fill the whole month with beautiful memories of Miss Charlotte.  Nothing says beauty like this story from Charlotte's aunt Kristen.  I still get tears and goosebumps every time that I read it. 


"The week before halloween I stopped to see Charley and give her a little pumpkin puppy. It was a perfectly clear day out, chilly but the sun was shining bright. I was sitting on the ground next to her, reading her a book (I always do) and the shadow from her vase was stretching across the pages as I read. All of the sudden a shadow from a butterfly came fluttering across the book, right along the vase shadow. I just smiled and said, "I'm so glad you are here!" I looked up to see the butterfly, and there was none in sight...anywhere! My eyes filled up with tears, and I kind of lost my breath for a minute. The shadow was big, so I know she was close, but there really wasn't a butterfly anywhere in sight....I looked and looked. I will never ever forget how she made me feel that day : )


She really is here with all of us, especially her mom and her dad, every day."

THANK YOU, Kristen...for so many reasons. I love that you visit her. I love that you read to her. I love that you FEEL her with you.

Charlotte was so incredibly lucky to have such a Krazy aunt!

We Remember

I mentioned in my post yesterday that this past weekend, Sunday to be exact, we attended a Remembrance Service at Omaha Children's Hospital to honor our little lady and all of the other little kiddos who had earned their wings over the past year.  It was an emotional day...not just during the service itself, but anticipating it all morning and getting ourselves in the door in the first place.  It was great to see some familiar faces--doctors, nurses, fellow heart/angel parents--but also served as a heartbreaking reminder of just how many families are going through similar grief.  Too many.  Simply too many.

In addition to attending the service, a few months prior I received a phone call asking if I would be willing to do a reading at the event.  I immediately said yes...but then proceeded to hang up the phone and think to myself "What the heck did I just agree to!?"  Self doubt hit me like a ton of bricks as I questioned if I would be able to hold myself together long enough to speak for 3-5 minutes.  Doubt or not, a little flutter inside of my heart told me that it would be ok.  The same flutter that gets me through most scary things.  I knew I could do it for Charlotte.

Leave it to me, I couldn't just pick a nice reading or poem to share, but rather decided to make it more personal--something like I might post here on the blog.  I have debated on whether or not I would share my words from that day here...a part of me feels like they were words reserved for the families that were honoring their children that day.  On the other hand, I know that there are grieving parents who come to this site and they are words for them as well.  Plus, I want to be able to document that day without having to keep my crumpled up sheets of paper that I clung to during those 5 minutes.

So, here you have it....

Had you told me a year ago that I would be asked to speak at a Children’s Hospital Remembrance Service I would have thought that you were crazy. My family of three was living a fairly normal life. Our daughter Charlotte was 11 months old and we were starting to plan her big 1 year birthday party—a huge milestone for a little girl born with such a “broken” heart. But Charlotte was thriving…defying the odds…and showing us day after day what it meant to have true “heart”. Little did we know, that just over a month later our perfect heart warrior would be taken from us in the most sudden and unexpected manner. And because of that I am here today.

My name is Kristen Ritchie, and I stand here before you today as a grieving parent - a member of a “club” that no one wants to be a part of….and as I look around the room my heart breaks knowing that each and every one of you here has been affected in some way by a similar loss. We may have ended up in this place through different means, each of us at different points in the grieving process…but at the end of the day, we are all here--heart-broken, feeling lost, trying to remember every tiny detail of our children, and doing our best to navigate through the world without them.

Being a mommy to Charlotte was the best experience I have ever known. She taught my husband and I how to love unrestrained and to give of ourselves whole-heartedly. She taught us strength beyond measure and opened our eyes to the incredibly fragile nature of life. NO ONE IS GUARANTEED TOMORROW...Young, old, sick, healthy, crazy heart or not. And while each of these lessons doesn’t do much to take away the heart ache that we feel on a daily basis, they serve as a guide to help us though this chaotic journey without our little girl. Through my daughter’s memory I am constantly reminded of what is important in life --to take a step back and to really appreciate the gifts that I have been given, even if at times life feels chaotic or overwhelming.

Shortly after Charlotte earned her wings, a friend shared the following phrase with me…

“Living as a person of faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.”

None of this makes sense to me. No one should have to say good-bye to a child. No one should have to experience the grief that I know you know all too well. No one should have to beat themselves up with WHYS and WHAT IFs. Almost a year later I am still asking myself these questions knowing full well that no one is going to be able to provide rationale. On those days where it all just seems like too much, I find myself repeating that phrase to myself over and over….”trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse.” While it may not always feel like it, I truly believe that there are good things in store for all of us. I have the most incredible husband whom I love an insane amount. I have family and friends that are always there to pick me up when I stumble or full-out collapse. I have friends that took care of our little girl whom I know will never let her memory fade.  I have Charlotte's baby brother squirming around in my belly as we speak that I am so excited to meet and to tell all about his big sister. And most of all, I have a perfect little angel watching over me…always there when I need her most. It doesn’t make sense now…I’m guessing in 10 years, even 20, that it still won’t make sense. But I live each day in faith knowing that there are good things in store for us (for ALL of us) and that someday we will see our babies again.

Thank you Children's for a beautiful day full of "remembering."  I am so honored that you thought to include me in the day, and even more honored that I could share a few pieces of our story with a room full of people who truly GET IT.

Little Miss Muscles

In her short year here on Earth, Charlotte had approximately 14 billion pictures taken of her.  At the time I didn't realize how important those pictures would become and I am SO grateful for each and every one of them.  I love looking back through them and reflecting on all of the special moments that we had together...even though a majority of the time I end up sitting at the computer in a puddle of tears.


Every once in a while I will get an email from someone containing a picture that I have never seen before.  

I can't even describe how it feels to see a "NEW" picture of our little girl...

Last night while we were at dinner one such email popped into my inbox courtesy of the Queen of Picture Taking  (Charlotte's NamNam, Mary).   

Subject:  Oh yeah, look at my muscles!

I don't use the term LOL very often ever, but the minute this picture popped up on my phone I literally laughed out loud.  Seriously!  How cute is that little muscle lady!?!  I like to picture her saying something like "Take that CHD, I'll kick your butt!" or "You mess with my little brother, YOU MESS WITH ME!"

Oh baby girl...sometimes I can't even wrap my brain around how much I love you.