Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Unanswerable Questions

Every once in a while (okay, a lot of the while) I stop and think…

“What were we doing this time last year?”

I checked the blog archives this morning and saw that 1 year ago today I woke up in the hospital after about 2 hours of sleep. We had brought Charlotte in over night because of some crazy breathing that was later deemed to be croup (though in my heart of hearts I still believe it was a banana allergy…have you ever witnessed croup without a cough?!)  It was her first non-surgical stay in the hospital and the first time that we had been to a hospital OTHER than Childrens.  Not to mention it was the first time that mommy had to deal with doctors/nurses that didn't know Charlotte's whole heart history in detail.  In a state of frustration and sleep deprivation I may have told a doctor "Right now I know WAY more about her heart than you ever will."  Eek...sorry Dr. Who-Ever-You-Were.  I'm pretty sure that they all thought I was a crazy woman and were HAPPY to send us on our way!

Other times my thoughts drift to the harder questions…

What would we be doing right now if Charlotte were here?

What would she look like?

What milestones would she be reaching?  Would she be walking and talking? 

What sort of trouble would that little nut be getting into?

Would she be a better eater?

What would she have wanted from Santa for this year?

Would she let me rock with her at night or be a squirmy little wiggle worm, always wanting to escape a play a little while longer?

I could go on and on...

I have lots of friends/co-workers that had babies around the same time that Charlotte was born. I see their pictures and while I smile and celebrate their accomplishments…my heart breaks simultaneously. Those babies are now toddlers and are doing things that we will never get to see our little girl do.  They are growing and thriving and walking and talking.  They are huggable and squeezable and kissable.

I would be lying if I said that a part of me wasn't jealous. 
Of course I'm jealous...they have what was taken away from us.

Instead of wrangling a toddler I'm left here with all of my what ifs.
...wishing that I could just hold her one more time.
...wishing I could have watched her grow just a little bit longer.
...wishing that I could kiss her chubby little cheeks.

I cling to memories and all of the "what were we doing last year" questions.
They help me remember every detail of our time together.

I love you baby girl.  This time last year, forever and for always.

4 comments:

  1. My heart breaks for you. Praying for you always.

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  2. You guys are always on my mind. I think of all this too
    Everytime Anthony does something new, I always think of you guys and sweet little Charlotte.
    I hate that you don't get to have those things. It's really crap

    I hope you are settling in ok in your new place?! You haven't mentioned it.
    Take care x

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  3. You two are mine mind alot these days. I look at our Meghan now 25 and married adn wonder how we got here after all things she had to cross. Meghan was born with transposition of the great vessels and didn't find it until she was two weeks old and from then on it was trips to mayo and surgeries for 17 years. now she is doing good except for being on blood thinner which is really hard on her but thankful everyday for that. I wish I could help you get thru this very hard time but my story is so different. just wanded you to know your in our prayers. Jan Lawler for Harlan

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  4. I wish there were a way, without breaking your heart, that I could share my Christian with you. I think of you all the time.

    And, as I sat w/ my not-quite 2 week old on my lap the first time I saw pictures of your sweet, beautiful Charley, I was jealous, too... of all that crazy hair of hers!!!! :) None of my babies had that awesome hair!

    -Jessica (Fitzpatrick) Anderson

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