Monday, January 14, 2013

Weighing on my Heart

Sweet baby girl,

Something pretty big happened in our house sometime in the past 2 months. Something that has my brain/heart working overtime.  

It started back in October when I took your baby brother to his 4 month well-visit.  His visits are always pretty routine...weight, developmental assessment, shots.  This one was no different.  He was given a clean bill of health and we were on our way.  The first thing I did after we left was call Daddy and let him know what a BIG little boy we had.  At 4 months old he had already surpassed the 15 lb mark.

Fast forward 2 months... 

Two weeks ago I took Harrison to see Dr. Whitcomb because of a nasty cough.  He was due for another well-visit and one more round of shots, but all of that had to be put on hold due to the fact that he was sick.  They did weigh him, though, and I was startled to see 18 lb 15 oz flash before me on the scale. 

15 lb.  
18 lb.  

Somewhere in between lies 17 lb 8 oz...the weight you were the last time I held you in my arms.  I had just weighed you the night before.

I didn't expect for Harrison to get there so quickly (a whole 6 months faster than you did) and a part of me hurts knowing that I didn't realize it at the time.  There isn't a day that passes where I don't ache to feel your weight in my arms again.  I want so badly to have one more chance...to remember how you felt snuggled in my arms...to experience that physical moment one more time.  I wanted to hold your brother when he was 17 lbs 8 oz, close my eyes and imagine that it was you in my arms.   I realize that that may sound unfair to him...but it's true.  There's no good way to explain it.  

Maybe it's a good thing it passed unnoticed.  
Maybe God was trying to shield my heart from the grief that it would have triggered.  
Had I known, I'm sure I would have been a mess.
I'm sure I would have felt torn in two.

I miss you, Bear.  All 17 lbs 8 oz of you.

Loving you beyond words or explanation, 

Mommy




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