Our Happy Little Tree - 2011

Why I love our Christmas tree...

1.  Ornaments from daycare.

I just have to laugh every time I see this ornament on the tree.  Doesn't Charlotte look like a total grump with that hat on!

2.  The perfect letter "C"

 3.  "Baby's first" ornaments 

 4.  Pictures of my girl.  Hard not to love an ornament like this.

 5.  Blessings from friends.  This is the newest ornament to make the tree (just this afternoon as a matter of fact!)  Thank you so much Abbie and Brent...it is absolutely perfect.  Every time I look at it I'll not only remember our perfect little angel, but her best angel buddy, Kale.  Just imagine how amazing their Christmas in Heaven will be! 

 6.  Unexpected surprises.  When we pulled out our boxes of ornaments a few weeks back, I found an ornament that I had completely forgotten about....one that had me in tears within seconds.  I can't even come up with appropriate words to explain how my heart felt in that instant or how glad I am that we made this ornament.  All that I could do was hold it to my chest as tears rolled down my cheeks.

 

So while I initially didn't think that I wanted to have a tree this year, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Our tree holds so many memories and there is a story behind every single ornament--a paper mache angel from when Matt was little, a red mitten that I got from my kindergarten teachers, a ceramic bone for Maybe, a ball for Stella, and most importantly our Charlotte ornaments.  Our tree tells our story.  And while it's a story that hasn't always gone as expected, I wouldn't trade a single memory.

Happy 19 month birthday, little lady.  I love you to pieces and miss you like crazy.    

No Charlie Brown Tree Here

I got one of my all-time favorite text messages yesterday afternoon from my sister-in-law Kristen. My heart was still smiling from the thought of my freshly decorated home, courtesy of my “hubby-extraordinaire” when this image popped up on my phone…

Isn’t that the most perfect little tree that you have ever seen? And look at the ornaments—a butterfly, a bear, a heart, a little striped stocking—everything is perfect. And there is even room for us to put our own ornaments when we are back next.  Thank you so much Kristen for taking the time to put all of this together. I’m at a loss for words.


Charlotte was so blessed to be surrounded by such intense love while she was here on Earth, and every day I am reminded that that love has not waivered or lessened since she earned her wings.

So many people love you, baby girl.

So many people smile at the mention of your name.

So many people continue to think of you each and every day.

So many people are missing you.

You are forever and ever in our hearts.

A Very Merry Welcome Home

It's no lie that I'm dreading Christmas.  I can already feel my emotions taking control and I have no idea what to anticipate as it comes closer.  I shared in an earlier post that I am really struggling to get into the spirit of the holidays--I just can't figure out how to deal with the big gaping hole in my heart.  

I haven't felt like shopping.

I haven't felt like decorating.

I just want to be a bum and hope that I come out on the other side without too many emotional bumps and bruises.

This weekend I faced the first on my "I don't wanna" list.  SHOPPING.  I packed up my bags on Friday after work and headed back to Omaha for a our annual "Goeser-Schmitz-Mother-Daughter-Sister-Aunt-Cousin" shopping day.  It's a day full of shopping, but for me it was more about getting to spend an entire day with some of the most important people in my life.  We started our day at 9 AM and didn't call it quits until 10 PM...a wonderfully full day of shopping, sharing and laughing.  It was just what I needed to help get me in the holiday spirit.  Thanks Mom, Jill, Lindsey, Vick, Erin, Alyson and Julie (and Angie in spirit) for a great day!

This morning (Sunday) I again loaded up the car to head back to Sioux Falls.  Since Matt stayed behind this weekend, I had a solid three hours of driving solo.  While I don't normally mind the quiet time, today my brain was a little over-active.  I thought of Charlotte non-stop and shed lots of tears (which is always good when you are driving 75mph on the interstate).  The thought of the holidays without her is almost too much for me to handle some days.

As pulled into the drive way of our house, I noticed that Matt had hung a Christmas wreath on our front door.  Something so little...but I couldn't stop smiling.  Little did I know that that wreath was just the beginning.

When I walked into the house I was greeted by our own personal winter wonderland.  The banister was covered with garland and our stockings, our nativity set was proudly on display and to top it all off there was a TREE!!!  Not just any tree...a REAL tree.  I have never had a real Christmas tree in my entire life!

I couldn't stop crying...Even after an hour I still have tears in my eyes.  

I immediately called Matt and could hardly get words to come out of my mouth--I just kept repeating "I love it" and "thank you so much, Matty, I love you."

Here's a little sneak peak...

Nativity perfectly placed under my favorite Charley picture.

Christmas sock monkey and one of my new favorite books "Bear in Long Underwear."

Even RedButt got into the holiday spirit while I was gone!

Check out them boots!  

 My first ever REAL Christmas tree.  We are going to decorate it tonight with few of our favorite ornaments, but I love it just the way it is.

One lonely ornament so far.  It's called "Angel of the Heart"...Perfect.

 My cries officially turned into sobs when I saw our new tree topper.  Meet our Angel, Charley Bear.  

We had gotten this perfect little bear from my cousin's wife, Julie.  Apparently there is a cartoon that originated in the UK called "Little Charley Bear."  Julie heard about the cartoon and tracked down 3 little Charley Bears, one for us and one for each of her children.  When I left on Friday, Charley Bear was sitting on the dresser in our room....when I came back, she had been given a holiday make over complete with wings, a halo and very fitting heart.

My husband is amazing.  I have no idea what I would do without him.  Enough said.

Christmas this year is going to be all about baby steps.  No part of it is going to be easy.

I went Christmas shopping even though I didn't think I wanted to.
Matt decorated because he knew that we needed a little holiday cheer.

Together we will make it through this.

Thanksgiving (Yes, A Week Late)

Soooo....I'm a little late of my Thanksgiving post.  Last year I was really good about sharing a weeks worth of "I'm thankful for..." posts, but this year I just didn't have the drive.  As a matter of fact, I caught myself been a total downer instead of focusing on the positives.  While others were doing daily Facebook posts to share all that they were thankful for, I caught myself driving home from work in the dark making a mental list of all of the things I hate about daylight savings!  Talk about Bah-humbug!

Thanksgiving came and went.  It was a strange weekend full of up and down moments.  We had the same Thanksgiving plans as we did last year, so every once in a while I would have these total deja vu moments...deja vu minus our girl.  At the same time, we kept so busy going from family to family that I don't think that I had much time to dwell on how much it hurt not having Charlotte there. 

In reality it was a good weekend.  We ate good food (too much), spent some much needed time with family, celebrated a Husker football win and had lots of good laughs.  While it's all too easy to feel angry, cheated and broken in this season of our lives, it's weekends like this that remind Matt and I that we have so much to be thankful for.  Life doesn't always go as planned...we have learned that in the harshest of ways this past year...but we are surrounded by so much love and hope and endless memories from the 382 days that we were blessed with Charlotte's presence.  

For that I am thankful.

Two Little Monkeys

Good friends are sometimes hard to come by, but when you find one, you know that they will always have your back.  Last year at Christmas Charlotte made a new friend (courtesy of her Aunt Angie) that saw her through a lot of good times and a few tough stretches as well.  

Meet RedButt 

(So lovingly and creatively named for her precious little red behind!)

        

 Charlotte loved RedButt from the get-go.  I mean, what's not to love about a silly pink monkey with crazy long arms and legs, big silly ears and a big ol' smile on its face?  RedButt would dance and sing and always knew how to make our Charlotte smile!  They spent lots of hours playing together and every night RedButt would sit on the ledge of Charlotte's crib and watch over her while she dreamed.

And while I knew that our little monkey friend was quite the entertainer, I didn't realize how good of a snuggle buddy she was until Charlotte's surgery in January.  She did her best to keep our little lady feeling safe during the for long days/nights spent in a hospital bed. 

And she came in surprisingly handy when it came to keeping Charlotte's breathing tube propped out of the way, and at giving her arms a soft (and familiar) place to rest.

Here our monkeys are just minutes after that pesky old tube was removed.  RedButt never left her side...not for a minute.  Now thats a good friend!

It was never easy to see our little girl after surgery...not then...not now...but oddly enough, every time I look at these pictures I get a smile on my face.  At first glance I see my poor little baby hooked up to countless wires and tubes and covered in bandages/tape, but when I look past all of that, I see my perfect little girl and her bestest monkey pal.  It was a strange feeling of "normal" during a time that is anything but that.

The holidays are sneaking in and I find myself getting more and more emotional...anxious...sad...about the thought of "celebrating" in Charlotte's absence.  I don't feel like decorating.  I don't feel like Christmas shopping.  I don't feel like doing much of anything.  Yet at the same time, I know that I can't just sit here and mope or I will drive myself crazy. 

So now what?  What can I do to keep my mind occupied?

Make monkeys.

Yup, you heard me.  I'm going to make more RedButts!  

I've been in contact with the Fox River Mills sock company (the makers of the "official" sock monkey socks) and they hooked me up with a SWEET deal on their monkey socks.  Just today I came home to find a box on our doorstep filled with 40 pairs of socks (20 pink/20 brown) and there are even more to come!

I don't have a plan totally in place, but I would like the monkeys to go to heart kiddos like Charlotte...specifically those who are stuck in the hospital over the holidays. Sometimes my brain can only handle one thing at at time.  Now that the socks are here I'll work on the rest!  If anyone has any brilliant ideas, please pass them my direction.  

Now, I'm guessing you're all probably wondering...how on Earth is Kristen going to make THAT MANY sock monkeys?  Well....ummm....lets just say that I'll be looking for volunteers to help out!  If you are local (either Sioux Falls or Omaha so that I can get you the socks and a pattern easily), can sew and would like to make a monkey or two, just let me know.  The more the merrier!

Goodnight Prayers

From the time she was born, Matt and I made bedtime prayers a constant fixture in Charlotte's nighttime routine.  We would pray over her each and every night before leaving the hospital (ugh, I hated leaving without her) and continued to do the same once we were home sweet home.Whether it was in times of fear and uncertainty or while snuggling in the rocking chair at home, the prayer was almost always the same...

God, please watch over little Charlotte tonight while she sleeps.  Keep her free from pain and give her the sweetest dreams.  Protect her with the help of her guardian angels and wake her tomorrow with the bright shining sun.  We pray for all other sick kiddos near and far, especially our heart friends....  May their families feel your loving arms wrapped around them and rely on your strength to get them through their days.   
Thank you for my family and for all of the blessings that You have given us today.
Amen.

I still catch myself uttering this prayer as I lie in bed at night, often while lying on a tear soaked pillow.  I have no intention on stopping.  

I don't want to forget the words that Charlotte heard so many times.

I don't want to forget the quiet moments with our little girl...the moments filled with faith and hope. 

Baby girl, 

I can hardly believe that it has been 18 months since your Daddy and I first saw your perfect little face.  Its been a hard day without you, and I'm sure that you have seen my tears.  Eighteen months...what a big girl you would be.  Sigh...18 months...I miss you so much.  

Sending special birthday snuggles and kisses to my special girl on her special day.  
I love you, Bear....I LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU.

Unanswerable Questions

Every once in a while (okay, a lot of the while) I stop and think…

“What were we doing this time last year?”

I checked the blog archives this morning and saw that 1 year ago today I woke up in the hospital after about 2 hours of sleep. We had brought Charlotte in over night because of some crazy breathing that was later deemed to be croup (though in my heart of hearts I still believe it was a banana allergy…have you ever witnessed croup without a cough?!)  It was her first non-surgical stay in the hospital and the first time that we had been to a hospital OTHER than Childrens.  Not to mention it was the first time that mommy had to deal with doctors/nurses that didn't know Charlotte's whole heart history in detail.  In a state of frustration and sleep deprivation I may have told a doctor "Right now I know WAY more about her heart than you ever will."  Eek...sorry Dr. Who-Ever-You-Were.  I'm pretty sure that they all thought I was a crazy woman and were HAPPY to send us on our way!

Other times my thoughts drift to the harder questions…

What would we be doing right now if Charlotte were here?

What would she look like?

What milestones would she be reaching?  Would she be walking and talking? 

What sort of trouble would that little nut be getting into?

Would she be a better eater?

What would she have wanted from Santa for this year?

Would she let me rock with her at night or be a squirmy little wiggle worm, always wanting to escape a play a little while longer?

I could go on and on...

I have lots of friends/co-workers that had babies around the same time that Charlotte was born. I see their pictures and while I smile and celebrate their accomplishments…my heart breaks simultaneously. Those babies are now toddlers and are doing things that we will never get to see our little girl do.  They are growing and thriving and walking and talking.  They are huggable and squeezable and kissable.

I would be lying if I said that a part of me wasn't jealous. 
Of course I'm jealous...they have what was taken away from us.

Instead of wrangling a toddler I'm left here with all of my what ifs.
...wishing that I could just hold her one more time.
...wishing I could have watched her grow just a little bit longer.
...wishing that I could kiss her chubby little cheeks.

I cling to memories and all of the "what were we doing last year" questions.
They help me remember every detail of our time together.

I love you baby girl.  This time last year, forever and for always.