Over the past 3 or 4 weeks I’ve been amazed at the number of times I’ve had people say to me...
“You look tired today.”
Ha! On one hand it makes me laugh while the other part of me gets a little riled up.
I look tired?
Maybe it’s because I AM tired.
I’m tired of sleeping like crap.
I’m tired of waking up each morning to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I don’t only FEEL tired, but I LOOK tired as well.
I’m tired of packing up our house, our things, Charlotte’s things.
I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of replying “I’m ok” when people ask how I’m doing. I know that they care, but I also know that most aren’t prepared to hear how I really feel.
I’m tired of wondering “why.” Even though I know that only God knows the answer to that question, it still nags at me almost every single day.
I’m tired of going back and forth with the engraver trying to design the perfect headstone for a one year old angel.
I’m tired of this nightmare and even though it’s been almost three months, I still hope that I wake up one morning to find that my baby is sleeping safely in her crib.
I’m tired of being told how strong I am. I don’t want to be strong, but what other choice do I have?
I’m tired because so much of my energy goes into pretending that things are getting “better.”
I’m tired of being tired.
So each and every day, as tired as I may be, I try to take steps forward. They aren’t always big steps and sometimes they even end up being steps backward, but they are steps none-the-less. I know that I can’t just lie down and give up. I know that I have to keep moving. I know that I have no choice other than to put every ounce of my faith in God and His plan for my family.
I may look tired. I may BE tired. But I’m here…and for now, I think that’s enough.