Friday, August 26, 2011

Tired.

Over the past 3 or 4 weeks I’ve been amazed at the number of times I’ve had people say to me...

“You look tired today.”

Ha! On one hand it makes me laugh while the other part of me gets a little riled up.

I look tired?

Really?

Maybe it’s because I AM tired.

I’m tired of sleeping like crap.

I’m tired of waking up each morning to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I don’t only FEEL tired, but I LOOK tired as well.

I’m tired of packing up our house, our things, Charlotte’s things.

I’m tired of crying.

I’m tired of replying “I’m ok” when people ask how I’m doing. I know that they care, but I also know that most aren’t prepared to hear how I really feel.

I’m tired of wondering “why.” Even though I know that only God knows the answer to that question, it still nags at me almost every single day.

I’m tired of going back and forth with the engraver trying to design the perfect headstone for a one year old angel.

I’m tired of this nightmare and even though it’s been almost three months, I still hope that I wake up one morning to find that my baby is sleeping safely in her crib.

I’m tired of being told how strong I am. I don’t want to be strong, but what other choice do I have?

I’m tired because so much of my energy goes into pretending that things are getting “better.”

I’m tired of being tired.

So each and every day, as tired as I may be, I try to take steps forward. They aren’t always big steps and sometimes they even end up being steps backward, but they are steps none-the-less. I know that I can’t just lie down and give up. I know that I have to keep moving. I know that I have no choice other than to put every ounce of my faith in God and His plan for my family.

I may look tired. I may BE tired. But I’m here…and for now, I think that’s enough.

8 comments:

  1. Anyone who tells you that you look tired really has no clue. And should quite honestly keep their opinions to themselves. You have every right to be tired, look tired, and act tired. I mean, really? Why would someone say that?

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  2. Remember that quote. . .
    "When you're going through hell, keep going."

    One foot in front of the other is more than adequate at this point. And you're right. It's enough. Definitely enough.

    -Jessica (Fitzpatrick) Anderson

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  3. Kristen - I have never commented on your blog before, but you have touched my heart. Everything that you are feeling, and have felt, is totally understandable, and you have dealt with the loss of your precious daughter with incredible grace and strength. I feel a kinship with you - although I haven't lived there for a long time, I was born in Sioux Falls. Additionally, our grandson was born with a severe congenital heart defect. We didn't know about it until he was a day old (the ultrasound missed it) - he spent days 5-14 of his life on ECMO, has had three open heart surgeries, and deals with some significant developmental delays. Although it is the most painful thing our family has ever experienced, and even though he has trouble with verbal communication, he has taught me volumes about the meaning of life - how fragile it is, and how each day with him is an incredible gift, even though things haven't turned out the way we had planned. The things that Charlie taught you will be gifts forever - I'm so sorry that she's not here with you now, and I will continue to pray for you as you face life without her. I can't imagine - you didn't ask for this, but you have carried the burden well - you inspire me.

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  4. Thinking about you always friend. (((hugs)))

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  5. Sending you HEART hugs!!!!! Keeping you in our prayers ALWAYS!!!!!! Love you!!!!

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  6. {{{HUG}}} I cannot believe that anyone would comment that you look tired. Wow!

    Anyway....sending loving thoughts and prayers your way!

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  7. A friend told me about your blog and I had to read it. My twin sister lost her son Charlie on February 27th of this year. She was almost 25 weeks pregnant and delivered him. He survived for and hour and a half. Although it was only a short time that he blessed our lives, he truely made a great impression! When you say that people ask how you're doing and you say "ok," that is exactly what she says. She has ok days and bad days. It is completely understandable! I tell her that no one expects her to be a hero...and the same for you! When every the 27th comes, it's a definate bad day. She had mishaps with his headstone as well. She wants it perfect, because like she says, it's the only thing she has left of her Charlie. I don't personally know you, but pray for you and your husband. I see the heartache my sister goes through and can only imagine your pain! So, if you're having a crappy day, have it! And really, any loving person understands! So, please know, people are thinking of you and praying for you even if they do not personally know you. God Bless!

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