Crazy Me

Sometimes I question what I should and shouldn't post here.  This post has been brewing in my head since last Thursday as I've wondered what my personal limits will be for putting myself out there.  I'm learning things about the new Kristen that I don't necessarily like, and its hard for me to share those things.  But when I really stop to think about it I remember that this blog is my therapy.  Its a way for me to get out my blahs when I need to...A way for me to decompress.  So here goes nothin'.


Thursday July 21 was the infamous panic over a wasp experience.
One week later, Thursday July 28, was a totally different kind of panic.


As most of you know by now, I work in a building attached to the hospital where we lost Charlotte.  I park in a separate parking lot, enter each day through a different entrance and for the most part have been able to avoid the hospital with the exception of a few meetings in the pharmacy department.  Last week I found the courage within myself to cross the skywalk that connects my building to the hospital.  It was an innocent little walk to talk to another pharmacist...a walk that only required me to walk about 50 feet into the building that I dread so much.  


I got there.
We talked.
All was going well.
Then it happened.


As I was getting ready to head back to the comfort of my office, I heard a familiar sound over head that triggered a fight-or-flight response within myself that I wasn't prepared for...only I wasn't "fighting"like I'm so accustomed to....I was "flighting."  My simple adventure to the hospital was suddenly interrupted by an all too familiar noise overhead...the sound of a code blue.  


I felt every bit of air being sucked out of my lungs in a matter of seconds and literally wanted to drop to a ball on the floor, cover my ears with my hands and cry.  Every detail from May 31 was suddenly fresh in my mind.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to run.  I wanted to do absolutely anything except to be there in that moment.  I somehow got my body to move and did my best speed walk back across the skywalk and into my comfort zone.  Lucky for me I have an incredible co-worker who recognized the look on my face as one of pure terror.  He ran after me and walked me back to my office, making sure I was ok.


I wasn't ok.


I locked myself in my office and sobbed....and sobbed....and sobbed.


Then I left.  I drove home, changed into my pajamas and laid on the couch the rest of the day.  Its amazing how a huge wave of emotion like that can take it out of you...I was exhausted, both physically and mentally.


I went back to work the next day.  I parked in the separate lot and entered through the separate door.  I prayed for strength and knew that I would be okay.


It will be awhile before I get brave again.


I've never requested this before, but this time around I'm asking that no one leave comments to this post.  It was a hard day...I survived...and now I just need to work at putting it behind me.  I love you all!