Before having Charlotte I was scared…and rightfully so, I think. I was a first time mom who wasn’t 100% confident in my abilities to care for a HEALTHY baby and here I was trying to wrap my brain around what it would mean to be a Mama to a baby with HALF OF A HEART! I felt so helpless and out of control in a world where there were so many BIG and SCARY things looming ahead of us.
I feel very different this time around.
My fear has been replaced with something new.
Ugh…Anxiety.
Why so anxious? Well…it’s really quite simple.
Having a baby in Sioux Falls means having a baby at the hospital where our lives were shaken to the core…riding the same elevator, walking the same halls, smelling the same smells…
I have written about my “hospital anxiety” before. Remember the time I got brave enough to step foot on the 3rd floor, only to be knocked off my feet as a code blue sounded overhead? Since that day I haven’t had the courage to go back. I can go to the pharmacy since it’s tucked safely away in the basement…but even then I walk outside, unable to muster up the courage to take the route through the hospital. Lucky for me it was a mild winter. Just today I found myself walking from one building to the next, my hood tightly tied around my face, in the pouring rain. Any sane person would have taken the sheltered route…heck, that’s the way I wanted to go…but I JUST COULDN’T DO IT.
So now here I am, stuck in a very strange place--excitedly awaiting the arrival of Mister Mister, but paralyzed at the thought of walking into the building where it will all take place. I know that it will be fine and that this is nothing compared to what we faced before, but its hard all the same.
A place full of heartache will temporarily become a place of celebration.
I just can’t wrap my brain around it.
(((Hugs))) Thank you so much for your honesty about this anxiety. There are things that take me back to memories of the early days with Eli and it is frightening. I'll keep you in my prayers as you approach your little man's birth day.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you're putting your anxieties into words. I just Pray that the Lord give you strength on that day.
ReplyDeleteI get emotional in the halls of MUSC as every emotion, memory, and helpless feeling comes rushing back. I can only imagine that your feelings are multiplied ten-fold.
Praying constantly <3
You sound like my friend in this post-their child died suddenly from meningitis at "Sioux Valley." She quit working there-I believe she had already been there 14 years. Took her years to go back there, walk in the door, everything. This story reminds me so much of her heart ache, her fears.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes think that is why I have a hard time breathing when I enter the radiology department. That was where I stopped breathing when I heard the words "your son has cancer" about a year ago.
I pray every day for you and your family. May God give you the strength and love and courage in the days to come.
Thanks everyone. Sometimes writing about anxiety is somewhat therapeutic. Its definitely easier than wrestling with it on my own. Any prayers you have to spare are 1000% welcome on our end.
ReplyDeleteI would love to know who wrote that last comment. If you choose to remain anonymous that is totally fine, your family will be in my prayers regardless!
Hi! We met through Heart angel mommies on facebook. I've been following your blog ever since you shared it on there.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing a project on my blog. I'm honoring the little angel babies. I would love to have your little girl's story on there if you want to share.
If you are interested you can check out my blog. I've just started. I've shared two angels stories and I would love for Charley to be the third. bettina-refsgaard.blogspot.com.
You can email me: refsgaard78@hotmail.com and we can chat more.
Take care. Much love!