Before having Charlotte I was scared…and rightfully so, I think. I was a first time mom who wasn’t 100% confident in my abilities to care for a HEALTHY baby and here I was trying to wrap my brain around what it would mean to be a Mama to a baby with HALF OF A HEART! I felt so helpless and out of control in a world where there were so many BIG and SCARY things looming ahead of us.
I feel very different this time around.
My fear has been replaced with something new.
Why so anxious? Well…it’s really quite simple.
Having a baby in Sioux Falls means having a baby at the hospital where our lives were shaken to the core…riding the same elevator, walking the same halls, smelling the same smells…
I have written about my “hospital anxiety” before. Remember the time I got brave enough to step foot on the 3rd floor, only to be knocked off my feet as a code blue sounded overhead? Since that day I haven’t had the courage to go back. I can go to the pharmacy since it’s tucked safely away in the basement…but even then I walk outside, unable to muster up the courage to take the route through the hospital. Lucky for me it was a mild winter. Just today I found myself walking from one building to the next, my hood tightly tied around my face, in the pouring rain. Any sane person would have taken the sheltered route…heck, that’s the way I wanted to go…but I JUST COULDN’T DO IT.
So now here I am, stuck in a very strange place--excitedly awaiting the arrival of Mister Mister, but paralyzed at the thought of walking into the building where it will all take place. I know that it will be fine and that this is nothing compared to what we faced before, but its hard all the same.
A place full of heartache will temporarily become a place of celebration.
I just can’t wrap my brain around it.