Monday, March 11, 2013

Stupid Snow

It has been a while since my last anxiety post. That’s a good thing. Maybe I’m learning to cope a little better? Maybe the triggers have become less and less? Either way, I’m thankful that I haven’t done one of these posts in a long time. As always, I am always a little self-conscious when it comes to putting this part of myself on display...but it’s who I am, and it is what it is.

The trigger this time around? A good ol’ Nebraska snow storm.

It snowed all day Sunday. The first flakes melted against the warm ground, creating a nice base of ice under the inches that eventually accumulated. It was blowing snow when I woke up. It was blowing snow long after I fell asleep. I was thankful that we got to stay inside (in our pjs!) ALL.DAY.LONG.

All was good until last night as we all settled down for bed.

Matt told me to drive carefully in the morning...adding that H and I are his “most precious cargo.”

Harrison was over tired and struggled with sleep. I laid him in his crib and he instantly started crying (totally not like him at bedtime). I rocked him. He played for a while. Again I put him down, and again there were tears. And tears. And tears. Finally I made him a small bottle hoping it would push him over the edge into the sleep that he so much needed.

Two ounces later and I found myself sitting on the floor in the dark with a snuggly little boy sound asleep in my arms. I was ready to move him to his crib when my brain turned on me.

The weather outside was bad and I had to drive in the morning.
Matt called us his most precious cargo. What would he do if something happened to us?
Harrison wanted his mama. Was I being given one last opportunity for snuggles?
Something was going to happen. Something I had no control over.
I knew it.

For the next who knows how long, I sat there...baby in arms...lump in throat...pit in stomach.

Later I checked out all of the interstate webcams online. Then I checked the weather 20 times. Then I went to bed and stared at the ceiling for awhile.

I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew that we would be okay. But I just couldn’t shake it.

Eventually I fell asleep to an re-run of Law & Order.
I woke up this morning (anxiety-free) and drove to Omaha with Harrison in tow.
I counted 58 vehicles that had gone off of the road yesterday/overnight....none of which was mine.

Anxiety sucks.

Here’s to another long stretch without one of these posts.

(And yes...I just wrote this from work.  Cold weather and Omaha kids at home from school apparently makes for a quiet day at the pharmacy!)

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