In the past few days I've learned a number of things....
1) Matt and I have a lot of junk. With all of our new "free time" we've been going through closets and cleaning house a little (anything to keep our minds active). Who knew that the top shelf of a closet could accumulate so much in 4 years? I had forgotten that most of it existed! I like the feeling of "purging" old things. Lets just say that Goodwill scored big today.
2) Charlotte is everywhere in this house. I can't open a cupboard, fold a load of laundry, sit in the backyard, or watch TV among other things without something there to remind me of her. I'm not complaining...I'm so grateful for those memories...but they still feel bittersweet.
3) No matter how many times I get into my car to go somewhere, I can't break the habit of looking in my rearview mirror to check on Charlotte in the back seat. Matt took the car seat out to make room for all of our back and forth trips to Omaha. I'm glad he did because I probably would have left it there forever.
4) I'm not ready to go to Target on a weekday afternoon. I stopped in to pick up a few things that I had seen in their ad, and was quickly reminded that weekday afternoons are when every stay at home mom under the sun goes to Target. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
5) A good day doesn't necessarily translate into a good night. Really. No matter how "good" of a day I have, I can't seem to carry it over to nighttime. Every night I would check on Charlotte before heading to bed myself. Most nights I would find her like this...
I would get her snuggled back in, give some extra kisses and tell her I loved her.
Now I walk up the stairs and see her nursery empty. My heart races and I just want to break.
6) I'm at a total loss as to how I'm supposed to go back to work. For those of you that don't know, I work in a building that is attached to the hospital where we lost Charlotte. I have to drive past the hospital to get to work each and every day. I've been doing detours around Sioux Falls to avoid that place. Today I was within about 10 blocks, and despite having the AC blowing directly at my face, I felt like I was suffocating. It was awful. AWFUL.
I know that we are headed down a bumpy road full of many ups and downs. I just wish that we could fast forward to a time where life starts to make sense again. I'm sure that day will come...I pray that day will come.
I pray that day comes, too. And I cried looking at that picture, Kristen. But I'm so glad you have it. <3
ReplyDeleteJessica Anderson
Continue to think and pray for you. Keep posting, keep sharing. Remember we are all here for you. Even the ones you don't know well.
ReplyDeleteNora
Oh Kristen my heart is breaking for you, I can only imagine what you guys are going through, we are both crushed :( x I wish we could do something to make it all better,were thinking of you both.
ReplyDeleteLynne & Matt x
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was something, anything, I could say to make this easier for you. I admire you so much for being able to talk about what you are feeling right now and sharing more of your beautiful memories of Charlotte. I loved your indoor water park story. It reminds me to step back and treasure those little everyday moments. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKristen and Matt...still am thinking and praying for you every day. Wish there was something to say or do that would make the hurt go away. We spent the last couple days taking care of Karson (Sandy's) I have always thought my grandchildren precious...but because of what you have been experiencing, I relished each moment with her. You were in my thoughts constantly...knowing what you are missing. Continue to post...I think it is good for you and for all of us that read it. It reminds us not to take what we have for granted...and also keeps you close in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSally Simdorn