As I said in my last post, Matt and I loaded up the pups and headed back to Omaha for the weekend. While it doesn't make things "easy," its sure easier than sitting in our house wondering what to do with ourselves. And even with lots of distractions, our baby girl is never far from our minds.
Lately Matt and I have been doing a lot of the things that we "wanted" to do over the past year....
I used to wish that I could stay awake later than 9 PM, but most nights I was exhausted from early mornings, work and our nightly routine of dinner, meds, baths and playtime. Now I'm awake until midnight...1 AM...sometimes as late as 2 AM. I just can't seem to shut my brain off and when I close my eyes my thoughts consume me. Sigh...I miss my tired, early nights.
I remember just wanting ONE DAY to sleep in. Now I don't drag myself out of bed until 9:30 or so (maybe because of the point above). I wake up expecting to hear cute little baby babble over the monitor, only to see it sitting on the night stand in the "off" position. Sigh...I miss my morning wake up call.
We have been going to movies--as a matter of fact, I have seen more movies in the theater in the past 2 weeks than I had in the previous year. Each time we go I get this feeling of guilt. How can I go and sit at "Bridesmaids" and laugh for 2 hours when my baby girl just died? How can anyone do that?! Sigh...I wish that I was back watching movies on Netflicks.
We have gone golfing, eaten out for lunch/dinner more than is probably good for us and even had a night out to watch our brother-in-law's band play. All things that would have required a little more planning before 2 weeks ago.
All of these are temporary distractions. They keep us from going crazy. They fill our time, but cannot fill the emptiness that both of us are feeling. They are the things that we thought that we "wanted" but were perfectly content without because in their place we had beautiful Charlotte. Sigh...what I wouldn't give now....