The Straw That Broke the Mommy's Back

Today was the perfect example of my new roller coaster lifestyle. Fine one minute, crippled the next.

Its hard.

Its scary.

Its confusing.

Its exhausting.

Its our reality.

Today I felt like I was having a relatively "good" day. When I say "good" I mean that it definitely could have been worse. I made it through day #2 back at work (which at this point consists of me camping out in my office with the door closed) and actually felt like I had a little energy. Like I said...it was a relatively "good" day.

"Good" scares me. Its like the "good" convinces me to let my guard down, even just for moments at a time, and leaves me vulnerable and unsuspecting of what might be coming my direction. Thats exactly what happened to me today. I let my guard down. I smiled. I laughed. I had happy conversations with Charlotte rather than ones filled with hurt. Then I came home and checked my email. Yup, you heard it. My EMAIL. Who would have guessed that an email could totally shake my "good" day. Waiting for me ever so patiently in our inbox this afternoon was the drafted template of Charlotte's headstone. I didn't even have the email opened and my eyes were already filled with tears and I cracked.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. NO PARENT SHOULD HAVE TO PICK OUT A HEADSTONE FOR THEIR 1 YEAR OLD CHILD. NO PARENT! NOT ME. NOT YOU. NO ONE. And while I know that God has a plan for our little girl, I can't help but be angry. Why did this have to be the plan? Why did he let us love her for a year and then just take her away from us? Why did he have to take her so suddenly, without warning after all of the other crap we had to put her through? Why, why. WHY!? After the whys came the "what ifs..." and after the what ifs there were just tears.

That email opened up a whole new world of grief that I think I had been protected from up until now. For 3 weeks I have been walking around still in a state of shock. Now the shock is starting to wear off. The world has continued to spin around us and I feel like we are expected to pick up where we left off...only the most important part is missing. In reality I know that no one expects anything, and if they do, well, too bad.

This isn't just going to go away. Its never going to be easy. This is our new normal and while we may learn to live our lives according to it, we will never be the same. There will always be something missing. There will always be a roller coaster stretched out in front of us.