Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Straw That Broke the Mommy's Back

Today was the perfect example of my new roller coaster lifestyle. Fine one minute, crippled the next.

Its hard.
Its scary.
Its confusing.
Its exhausting.
Its our reality.

Today I felt like I was having a relatively "good" day. When I say "good" I mean that it definitely could have been worse. I made it through day #2 back at work (which at this point consists of me camping out in my office with the door closed) and actually felt like I had a little energy. Like I said...it was a relatively "good" day.

"Good" scares me. Its like the "good" convinces me to let my guard down, even just for moments at a time, and leaves me vulnerable and unsuspecting of what might be coming my direction. Thats exactly what happened to me today. I let my guard down. I smiled. I laughed. I had happy conversations with Charlotte rather than ones filled with hurt. Then I came home and checked my email. Yup, you heard it. My EMAIL. Who would have guessed that an email could totally shake my "good" day. Waiting for me ever so patiently in our inbox this afternoon was the drafted template of Charlotte's headstone. I didn't even have the email opened and my eyes were already filled with tears and I cracked.

THIS ISN'T FAIR. NO PARENT SHOULD HAVE TO PICK OUT A HEADSTONE FOR THEIR 1 YEAR OLD CHILD. NO PARENT! NOT ME. NOT YOU. NO ONE. And while I know that God has a plan for our little girl, I can't help but be angry. Why did this have to be the plan? Why did he let us love her for a year and then just take her away from us? Why did he have to take her so suddenly, without warning after all of the other crap we had to put her through? Why, why. WHY!? After the whys came the "what ifs..." and after the what ifs there were just tears.

That email opened up a whole new world of grief that I think I had been protected from up until now. For 3 weeks I have been walking around still in a state of shock. Now the shock is starting to wear off. The world has continued to spin around us and I feel like we are expected to pick up where we left off...only the most important part is missing. In reality I know that no one expects anything, and if they do, well, too bad.

This isn't just going to go away. Its never going to be easy. This is our new normal and while we may learn to live our lives according to it, we will never be the same. There will always be something missing. There will always be a roller coaster stretched out in front of us.


  1. I read your entry tonight and my heart started beating faster. Here's why (I might ramble here--sorry). I've gotten kind of addicted to watching "The Voice" on NBC but was very bored w/ it tonight and kept flipping the channels around. I turned it back on just in time to hear the beginning of a performance of "Fix You". I don't think that was an accident. Charley knew your day had turned to shit (sorry) and I think I'm supposed to tell you that I heard that song tonight (and cried) and she loves you so much and wishes you guys weren't hurting so badly. And she knows it sucks! Maybe I'm a little nuts. Maybe you were watching, too. I don't know. But I was COMPELLED to write this to you tonight. Please feel the love of everyone near and far as we do our best--in big and small ways--to try to 'fix you'. <3

    Jessica (Fitzpatrick) Anderson

  2. Kristen,
    My heart breaks for you, it is totally unfair. God does have a plan I guess, but when you can't see it, its hard to believe. On persons "normal" would be a lot of peoples unbareable. You are an amazing person. And I am proud to "know" you. Please hang in there, small steps in the right direction.

  3. ((Kristen))
    I wish with everything in me that this had never happened :(
    It is unfair..


    Could you please give me your address I have something for you & Matt xo

  4. You are so right- no one should ever have to go through this. My heart just aches for your family. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers always. ((Hugs))

  5. I think Charlette brought a lot of people to the Lord, or even close:)

  6. closer that is

  7. (((((hugs))))) Those moments can come on out of nowhere for years.