Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day

I'll be totally upfront with you - This is going to be a hard post.  I'm typing sentence #3 and am already sitting here with tear-filled eyes.  I'm trying my best to be positive about Mothers's day because after all, I have 2 incredible, amazing, perfect children - One in Heaven and one I can't wait to meet.  But at the same time it's a hard painful day accompanied by so many emotions. Deep breath....here we go.

My very first Mother's Day was in 2010 when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  First baby.  First time Mom.  First Mother's day.  Excited doesn't really seem to capture the emotions that I was feeling that year!  I couldn't wait to hold my little girl in my arms.  I couldn't wait to be her Mommy.  That year I came home to a finished nursery and a brand new rocker!


The following year, Mother's Day #2, I had almost a full year under my belt.  It wasn't an easy year by any means, but every challenge that we faced and conquered together reinforced in my heart just how BLESSED I was to be Charlotte's mommy.  She taught me everything that I know about being a mommy and SO MUCH MORE.  Oh how I miss that little girl.


My 3rd Mother's Day?  Well, I'm here...and I'm definitely a mom...but in a way that is so overwhelmingly different than I ever imagined.  To an outsider I probably look like that same Mom I was 2 years ago; one anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first child.  But there is so much more to our story...details that I just want to scream at everyone who passes my way.  I cannot hold my baby girl, but I AM a mom all the same.  

When Charlotte started to discover her ADORABLE little voice, I did my very best to make sure that "Mama" would be one of the first words to pass from her lips.  "MaMaMa." "MaMaMa."

I sighed as she mastered "Dada" first. Darn you Daddy!
I giggled as she fell in love with whispering "Hi."
I celebrated when she conquered "Bye-Bye."

I waited and waited for "Mama."  She knew the word.  She knew who this elusive "Mommy" character was--the little stinker just refused to say it!  One day shortly after we lost her I realized that I never heard "Mama" pass through her lips. 
I was crushed.  My heart was sad.  Crazy how something so little can hurt so badly.

Then Matt reminded me of something...gulp...

We taught Charlotte lots of things (you've seen the videos!).  This girl could clap, wiggle, show us how big she was, smack her little lips on command....the list goes on and on.  If you would ask her where her heart was, she could even show you that!  We would always follow that question by letting her know how special that little heart of hers was.

Well, one day Matt asked Charlotte "Where's Mommy?" and guess what that little love bug did...

She looked my direction and put those perfect little hands of hers right over her heart.
Another of the many (poor quality) cell phone pictures that I am so incredibly thankful for.

I cannot hold you. I cannot see you. 
I cannot hear your little voice call my name...
But you are forever in my heart, and I am forever in yours.  
You made me a Mommy and for that I am thankful.
Happy Mother's Day to ALL of the Mom's in my life.




4 comments:

  1. Oh Kristen, that took my breath away. I wish I could give you a hug in person.

    Heart Hugs
    Brandi

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  2. I can't even find the appropriate words after reading this post. I have thought of you lots today...and certainly will tomorrow too. Happy Mommy's Day to one of the most amazing mommas I know. HUGS!

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  3. Oh Kristen, this is about the 239234908th moment where I wish I could just reach through the computer and give you the biggest hug. I am so thankful to you for sharing these sweet moments and pictures of your sweet girl with us this month. <3

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  4. Wow. What a treasure. Have tears in my eyes just reading this and knowing how MUCH this memory means to you. Xoxo.

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