Thursday, May 31, 2012

One Whole Year

It amazes me how temper-mental our minds can be.  I can hardly remember what I wore yesterday, yet every single detail of my day one year ago is crystal clear.  I remember what clothes we were wearing, the smells, the sounds, the fear that took over my body, the blank looks on people's faces, making phone calls that I never imagined myself having to make....I remember it all.  I've been fighting those memories for a whole year.  They sneak in when I let my guard down and threaten to consume me.  They make my stomach churn, my heart ache and my whole body feel like its revolting against me.  I have so many beautiful memories that I carry with me every minute of the day...if only I could shake these.

One year ago life as we knew it came to a screeching halt. The world around us kept on spinning, but we stood motionless gasping for air and praying that we would wake up from the horrendous nightmare that was surrounding us.  I remember it all.  Every detail.

Today we find ourselves in a strange place.  I wish that I could describe it, but I myself don't quite understand.  The passed 365 days have been filled with such a wide array of emotions...heartache, anger, guilt, love, excitement at the the prospect of new beginnings, fear of moving on...it's hard to decipher what it all means.  One year later and the pain is still there - paralyzing at times...but we are learning how to live again.  It still isn't "easy" - I'm confident that it never will be - maybe the best way to describe it is "manageable."  I have learned how to laugh again, how to feel happiness, yet I know when I need to give in to my emotions and just ride the wave of sadness.  

May 31st will always and forever be an impossible day - but we're keeping our chins up and doing our best to remember the blessings that we experienced by having Charlotte in our lives.  We are holding her memory tight and refusing to let go.

Today we remember...

Her smile.
Her laugh.
Her smell.
Her sparkling eyes.
Her crazy mop of reddish brown hair.
Her purple little finger tips.
The faded scars that marked her chest and belly.
Her determination.
Her stubbornness.
Her goofy side.
Her "whispers."
Her snuggles.
The way she chewed on the corner of her green blanket.
The joy she brought to our entire family.
The excitement on her face when we would pick her up at the end of the day.
The way she looked at Matt and I...

These are the memories that make seemingly impossible days a little bit more manageable.

Keep flying baby girl...high in the sky but FOREVER in our hearts.  

We love you Charley Bear...
more and more every single day.

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