Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Rantings of a Crazy Woman

Our lives are pretty much insane right now.

Moving in a month.
Having a baby in just about as long.
Studying for our Nebraska pharmacy law exams.
Trying to wrap things up at our current jobs.
Hoping to start building our new home soon.
Organizing things for Books for Charley.
Needing to start packing up our rental.
Lining up things for the move.
Carrying around an 34 week old baby in my belly.
...just to name a few.

In the midst of it all, I have found myself getting a little worried.  The funny thing is, I'm not worried about all of the chaos we have going on around us - I know those things will all fall into place in due time.  My real concerns relate to what happens when life actually starts to slow down.  What happens when I don't have a thousand things keeping my mind active and "distracting" me from the grief that resides in my heart?  What happens when the "Month of Chuck" is behind us?  I am sharing memories of Charlotte...NOTHING makes me happier...but I worry that in an attempt to distract myself from grief, I'm also avoiding really dealing with it.  I'm afraid that when things quiet down my mind will take over and I'll sink into some dark place and never want to leave our bed.  A part of me fears it will be some insane postpartum depression on grief steroids.  Another part of me worries about how it will influence my ability to be a good mama to our baby boy.  When I finally have a baby back in my arms, how will I balance my crazy love with my crazy pain?  Deep down I believe that everything will be ok...but fears like these are a very realistic part of my existence anymore.  Its hard to explain.

I saw this graphic on Pinterest today and it made me laugh...  I never used to be an anxious person, but ever since losing Charlotte I have to fight the urge to morph into "Anxiety Girl."  I don't like it - but I've learned to control it.


This wasn't a "happy-go-lucky" reflection on our time with Charlotte like I wanted the "Month of Chuck" to be, but I really felt like I needed to get some of these things off my chest.  I'm not looking for reassurance.  I'm not looking for people to tell me that everything will be fine or that I will be a great mommy to little "Franklin."  I know that we will do our best and deal with the ups and downs as we go.  What I am looking for are a few extra prayers as we take these next steps forward. 

4 comments:

  1. Prayers and more prayers always coming your way! Love you very much!

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  2. Kristen,
    I have been checking your blog from time to time and this posting made me want to write. First, your daughter is beautiful and clearly much loved. Second, We lost our son from congenital heart and lung defects when he was an infant. I was 7 months pregnant on his first anniversary. I never wondered about what it would be like to have a new baby and possible post partum grieving issues, you are smart to do so. I was blind sided and had trouble connecting to our new baby, my daughter until she was 10 months old. By then I was in therapy for the first time and starting to accept so much of what I never could. Once I started to step out of this state, things have been uphill. My grief still knocks me sideways at times, but as 8 years has gone by, time does help. My daughter has been a true gift to us and loves to hear about her brother, which helps us also.

    Anyhow, this was long winded but in readying your post I was struck by the thought that you are already aware that you may have a conflict of emotions. You are doing so much to remember and honor your daughter. I think you will be ok!!

    Ruth

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  3. Hi Kristen,

    I totally agree - the fact that you're aware of this possibility means you will be ready to take it on, should it happen. You are such a good mother!!

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