Our lives are pretty much insane right now.
Moving in a month.
Having a baby in just about as long.
Studying for our Nebraska pharmacy law exams.
Trying to wrap things up at our current jobs.
Hoping to start building our new home soon.
Organizing things for Books for Charley.
Needing to start packing up our rental.
Lining up things for the move.
Carrying around an 34 week old baby in my belly.
...just to name a few.
In the midst of it all, I have found myself getting a little worried. The funny thing is, I'm not worried about all of the chaos we have going on around us - I know those things will all fall into place in due time. My real concerns relate to what happens when life actually starts to slow down. What happens when I don't have a thousand things keeping my mind active and "distracting" me from the grief that resides in my heart? What happens when the "Month of Chuck" is behind us? I am sharing memories of Charlotte...NOTHING makes me happier...but I worry that in an attempt to distract myself from grief, I'm also avoiding really dealing with it. I'm afraid that when things quiet down my mind will take over and I'll sink into some dark place and never want to leave our bed. A part of me fears it will be some insane postpartum depression on grief steroids. Another part of me worries about how it will influence my ability to be a good mama to our baby boy. When I finally have a baby back in my arms, how will I balance my crazy love with my crazy pain? Deep down I believe that everything will be ok...but fears like these are a very realistic part of my existence anymore. Its hard to explain.
I saw this graphic on Pinterest today and it made me laugh... I never used to be an anxious person, but ever since losing Charlotte I have to fight the urge to morph into "Anxiety Girl." I don't like it - but I've learned to control it.
This wasn't a "happy-go-lucky" reflection on our time with Charlotte like I wanted the "Month of Chuck" to be, but I really felt like I needed to get some of these things off my chest. I'm not looking for reassurance. I'm not looking for people to tell me that everything will be fine or that I will be a great mommy to little "Franklin." I know that we will do our best and deal with the ups and downs as we go. What I am looking for are a few extra prayers as we take these next steps forward.